November 12, 2005
Hi everyone. Things here are ok at the moment.
Oldest boy is off to college and loving it. 2nd son and daughter are doing so well in High school. I am so proud of all of them.
I am also going to school and will be done on November 29. If all goes well I will start my new job in Dec.
It sure makes a difference to get out and be with "normal" people. I am so enjoying my friends at cosmetology school. We spend most of the day laughing and joking with each other. I had forgotten how fun people are!
M. is...himself. Sometimes up sometimes down. Most of the time just in general an ass to me. His word games drive me up the wall and I try very hard not to get him going. When he does start twisting my words or someone elses, I just tell him...that is some kind of word game and I am not interested in playing. Usually he stops and sulks. What amazes me is that he thinks he can talk to me anyway he wants, any tone, anything. And I am suppose to accept it. If I have a tone to my voice, then all hell breaks loose and I am the biggest B**** he has ever heard.
You know, it is funny (?) to me that I still care for him. I do care for him, but am not in love with him anymore. That hurts to say, but it is true. We are more of a brother and sister than anything else. I think he cares for me, but really, I don't think he has emotions enough to really love me anymore. Sadder yet? Nov. 19 is our 22nd wedding anniversary. Seems so long ago that we loved each other sooooo much and couldn't get enough of each other.
Think about getting out on a daily basis. Just can't/won't do it. Too many people at stake. I, also, am at stake. I am living a celibate life. I am lonely beyond belief. I try to compensate for that loneliness with other things, but it is still there tugging at my heart. I keep telling myself someday that will change, I just hope that I am still young enough to enjoy it!
Ah, the holidays are coming up. Major stressful time for M. But you know what, he will either handle it or not. I AM GOING TO ENJOY MYSELF.
We are still waiting on our first snow, but it looks like that will be soon. I love winter!
take care everyone, Jamie
Posted by Jamie at November 12, 2005 09:19 PM
Hi, Jamie. I just found this site and chose your blob because it talked about husband and spouse. I was encouraged to respond when I saw that you've been married 20+ years. I'm 57 years old and have been married 30+ years. No children for me, though. My husband is diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and, yes, I still love him. The British Columbia Schizophrenia Society "Spouses Handbook? www.bcss.org is a good reference for me almost daily. I knew alot of the stuff but it's a good reinforcement that "I'm not the going crazy." You've probably thought that way yourself. I moved to an apartment 60 miles from my husband about 9 years ago and we've kept our relationship at various levels of intimacy and/or friendship since. I'm surrounded by "normal" people as you mentioned helps you, and I've found I'm getting to back to my own identity as a result. I've felt "no hope" for a period of years before I moved and prayed for just a moment of experiencing hope. I have that and more plus joy sometimes. But, when things are bad it's surprising how quickly I can sink if I'm not careful.
I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for starting your blob!
Posted by: Leslie at November 16, 2005 06:03 PM
Oops, blog not blob
Posted by: Leslie at November 16, 2005 06:07 PM
Hier there, 1stly as a (hopefully ex)sufferer of a very similiar condition to your husband I am pleased that you are makeing some normality of your life, as your husband is in a war for this, one that he is fighting toothe and nail for, and, by all sounds feeling sometimes beaten in his dispear. You have the 'gift' of sanity, and your 'original' state loveing husband, sounds so romantic that, originally when you 1st met that if he could have chosen one of you to be able to have sanity in life, or live life in hell, he loved you, so he would have chosen the hell for himself, and life, for you, so remeber that, and he loves you benaeth it all. The word games is a code and he is trying to get you to desifre the code so that you may come along and help him, as he is stuck in another dimension, he is asking for help, he is bricking it, and he feels that all he neads is another head (2 heads are better than one)to get on top of this introspection he is going through in the illness, this is why schizophrenics have been coined as haveing 2 personalitys in 1, thats just not true, it is only a man made syntheses of this dynamic situation, its a tool that is man made, unfortuneatly he is trying to use it in his fight and it precipitates out on you.
Please contact me when ever you wish, if you think I can help, I have had this illness for 5 years, under medication, I am NOT chronic like your husband, I USED TO (hopefully) be in and out of this state, so I know it inside out, I've stopped my meds 1 week ago, so its early days, but am doing well, take care, mike. and good luck.
Posted by: Michael at November 19, 2005 11:29 AM
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