June 24, 2004

Muddling thru

Hi, things are much the same.
I have noticed that M. is having a lot of tremors of the hand and mouth in the last few days. Will need to talk to the pdoc about that.
We are going to visit relatives in another state for the 4th. This has brought on some stress for M. as seeing his family often does. But we are going anyway. I NEED the break.
I love seeing his family. It is so nice to be with people who actually know about the illness and don't treat any of us any different. Love, family...that means so much to me.
I really get tired of living this really big secret, the big lie. Never telling anyone. I am never able to be ME because, to be the real me, to know me and my life would mean telling everyone the whole story. I have not run into very many people who I would trust enough to tell them that M. has sz. I might trust them to care for my kids, or hold a million bucks(ha!) for me, but tell them that my hb has a mental illness? No. We live in a REALLY small town (400 people) and if I told someone then everyone would know. my kids would be known as "the kids with the crazy dad". And talk about making M. more paranoid....yikes. Not worth it to me to tell. That is probably why I became so depressed. Keep too much inside. Oh well, ya live and learn.
I feel better...off and on. One hour good, one hour bad....one day good, etc...I am hoping that it gets better soon. I am tired of feeling like crap.
Well, I will let you go for now. I will write again soon. Jamie

Posted by Jamie at 04:49 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

June 18, 2004

Good Morning

Well, things are looking up for us. I have found a therapist who is of help to me. I was able to tell her the whole sordid mess. We are going to work on more support for me, which may include a huge move to be near family. I think I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel...amazing as it seems.
She said she was "shocked" that I had been in this relationship for 21 years and never had major depression before....me, too now that I think about it!

M. is doing well weaning off the seroquel...so far. He says he is a little less tired. He sleeps well at night, but does not nap nearly as much during the day. He says his thoughts are the same. I seriously hope that the Geodon will continue to hold up on it's own. One nice thing about going off the seroquel is that our sex life may come back to life after all! Amen! LOL.

More later.

Posted by Jamie at 12:19 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

June 10, 2004

Rainy day

Here I sit. I took the day off from work, because I feel like a big pile of you-know-what.
Last night I told M. that I am about done in. That I don't see much hope for the future...other than living the way we are now. And to me that isn't good enough. We were sitting on the front porch, me talking/crying, him listening(?). I walked out into the yard to compose myself before coming into the house with the kids. He got up and went inside. There was no hug, no pat on the back, no reassuring words...he went inside. When I went in about 10 minutes later, he was asleep on the couch....ahhhhh. That hurt. Whatever.
I was up most of the night. When he woke up from the couch he says..."Gee, I wish there was something I could do for you." whatever.

Boy I am a downer, huh? Sorry. I hope to get my act together one of these days. I have lived this way for 20 years and this is the first time I have ever become completely depressed. I hope it does not take 20 years to get over it.

Posted by Jamie at 04:11 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack

June 04, 2004

Hello again

To Amy-thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers! It brought a smile to my face to know that someone somewhere is reading my posts. :) I am so glad that abilify is working for your fiance. We have not tried it yet, so that is always a possibility.

I have not shared what goes on in my life with too many people. My sister is my only confidant. So the few friends that I do have do not know that my husband has sz. This has been going on for 20 years. I read that and cannot believe that I have kept that to myself for that long.
With this recent ugly bought of depression that I have been in, I went to see a therapist. In hindsight, it was almost funny. I told the therapist the whole, long tale of my life and marraige. I told her that I am overwhelmed, and frankly would just like to run as far away, as fast as I can....And truly that is/was how I was feeling.
Her reply was this..."What is your goal here?" I said HUH? What do you want from me and from therapy, she says....
"I want help making this awful, horrible hurt go away in my heart.""I want someone to listen to ME and show me where to find the strength to go on." I said.
Hmmmm, she said. I have never encountered this situation before. I think you would be better served with some sort of support group...."
So do they have a support group for spouses of mentally ill people? Well, no they don't. She said I could just join any woman's support group there and they would accept me. Of course they would, but do they have a clue about sz? I doubt it.
I think what really turned her off from me was that she knew I was well educated in the "illness" of sz. I have read everything I can get my hands on. I think she thought, well, if you know so much...what is the problem! ACCCK! At $145 an hour, I think I will talk to you guys instead. LOL!

I have started exercising each evening to try to help my own mental health and maybe drive this depression out of me. (along with prozac). It has helped with that run/flee feeling that I have been having. I know that I could not really go...I could not do that to my kids, but boy do I have some good fantansies about it. LOL.
My hb actually asked me what the problem was the other day. I told him that it seems the world is resting on my shoulders and I am damn tired of it. I think he is trying to understand and help me out some. I do appreciate that!

More later.

Posted by Jamie at 10:51 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

June 03, 2004



Posted by Jamie at 06:41 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack