June 24, 2004

Muddling thru

Hi, things are much the same.
I have noticed that M. is having a lot of tremors of the hand and mouth in the last few days. Will need to talk to the pdoc about that.
We are going to visit relatives in another state for the 4th. This has brought on some stress for M. as seeing his family often does. But we are going anyway. I NEED the break.
I love seeing his family. It is so nice to be with people who actually know about the illness and don't treat any of us any different. Love, family...that means so much to me.
I really get tired of living this really big secret, the big lie. Never telling anyone. I am never able to be ME because, to be the real me, to know me and my life would mean telling everyone the whole story. I have not run into very many people who I would trust enough to tell them that M. has sz. I might trust them to care for my kids, or hold a million bucks(ha!) for me, but tell them that my hb has a mental illness? No. We live in a REALLY small town (400 people) and if I told someone then everyone would know. my kids would be known as "the kids with the crazy dad". And talk about making M. more paranoid....yikes. Not worth it to me to tell. That is probably why I became so depressed. Keep too much inside. Oh well, ya live and learn.
I feel better...off and on. One hour good, one hour bad....one day good, etc...I am hoping that it gets better soon. I am tired of feeling like crap.
Well, I will let you go for now. I will write again soon. Jamie

Posted by Jamie at June 24, 2004 04:49 AM | TrackBack


Hi Jamie:

Yesterday, I was thinking about some of the things I have going through. D seems to be a religious fanatic. He believes that God will heal him. I have an alter in my home. I use it for meditation relaxation and prayer. He asked me if he could use it. I said sure. He talked to God for 1 1/2 hours. He was asking God to heal him of these spirits and that he wanted God to let him know when it was going to happen. He went on and on to thank the Angels. After awhile I had to intervene because I felt like it was getting to me. He asked God to take the tapes out of his head that the demons planted. I don't understand is why didn't he show these signs two years ago. WHen we met he was such a gentleman and he still is. He's very helpful and easy going. There were times when I would ask him to go to the store and he would but he would also get side track and return about two hours later. Once when I asked him where did he go, he said I had to take care of something and everything is ok now. I asked him what. He said, you wouldn't understand. I left it alone. I thought he was planning some sort of surprise for us. I wondered how could he have seemed to be so normal for so long and once he shared with me his illness, it surfaced right away. I felt as if he was hiding and pretending until he felt comfortable telling me. I asked him why did he buy me a ring first and then tell me about the extent of his illness? He said he didn't want me to think that he was crazy and wasn't capable of being in a relationship. Those were my exact thoughts. He started going on about how he is doing everything he can to be a good man and he was telling about all of the money he has saved up and showed me his statement. He said he has a house in Massachusetts. He called his Grandfather and that was true. His grandfather said that D is responsible as long as he takes his medication. Any feedback.

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