October 09, 2006

Finally I am going to update this blog.

Well, well, well... it is me! Can you believe it? Finally I am going to update this blog.
Last night I sat down and read back a ways at the things I had posted two years ago.
My heart was heavy when I realized that really I am living just about the same now as I was then....same stuff, different year.

Where should I start? to update you?
Well, M. is still M. He suffers paranoia daily. He works part time 4 hours a night. The job causes him much stress and more paranoia but it also provides us with some money that we need. I think it is good for him to work, as it gives him something to do each day and somewhere that he is expected to be each night.

We basically do not have more than a friendship based relationship. There is no intimacy, aside from the normal hug and peck.

I have expressed to him recently how hard this is for me and that I would like to live a more normal life. Yes, it was very hard for me to say that to him, but something I had to get out.
The things that I miss so much are just things that he is not able to provide. and probably never will be able to. The illness just prevents any kind of social interaction outside our immediate family, so that means no couple's friends. We rarely ever do anything outside the house.

I have made friends of my own and go out on occasion, however the guilt is hard to deal with. I am trying very hard not to worry about it, but it is always there.

Our children are doing well. One is in college and 2 are left in high school. They are the definite bright spot of my life:)

I need to go for now.. but hopefully i can come back later and write more.

Posted by Jamie at October 9, 2006 10:03 PM


If you can pursaude him to see a specialist the drugs they can use may turn your family's life around.
After 20 years together we finaly snapped and forced the help we neeeded.
The paranoia he suffers from can be treated by drugs.
My wife was so bad she tried to strangle me in the early hours of the morning because she believed i was unfaithful.
Part of her treatment was to realise that some of her beliefs were unfounded.This takes time but once the tablets take effect she came around to the logical way of thinking and now has secubed to the reality of what she has suffered fo all these years.

Posted by: sam at October 10, 2006 08:35 PM

As a person diagnosed with schizophrenia i can tell you that the illness can be fought and won. I went from being a near catatonic sleeping 16 hour day with medication patient to being able to work full time and am getting married soon. it was a long journey and it will be a lifelong recovery. there are jokes that i can't get and people accuse me of rudeness but in reality it's the illness. my partner is so supportive and the relationship i have with her is beyond value. maybe your husband is not able to tell you so but i know he must feel that way about you.

i'm cheering for you and your husband. your commitment and support of your husband is really touching.

Posted by: Paul at October 19, 2006 05:20 AM

i oversleep for more than 10 hours each day..and my parents call me irresponsible.. they dont want to send me to college because i cant get up early in the morning. im 20 years old and have been diagnosed with schizoprenia for four years now..my father raped me and me getting schizoprenia is a result of the abuse i face... and when i confront him about it he says im lying and that i am a lunatic..this is my condition..i really admire that you stick with your spouse through it all.. i have only my mother..to look after me.. no friend .. no boyfriend..anyway.. gotta go..

Posted by: keshini at January 15, 2007 01:09 PM

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