July 18, 2004

listening to music

I have been listening to a lot of music lately. Seems to ease my mind. I really enjoy the group Train. They have a lot of quirky lyrics:) Even my hb likes it.
I used to enjoy country music, but dang it gets so depressing that I can't listen to it anymore. Anyone else feel like that?

Hb is very suspicious of me lately. Always asking what I am doing, where I am going, who I am talking too, etc...This is new and stems from the fact that he thinks I am having an affair with my brotherinlaw. Not true. Like I have the time or energy to have an affair. If I did...which I won't...but if I did it wouldn't even be for the sex. It would be for the emotional things. Having someone to hug, appreciate, smile at, talk to, understand. God, I miss that.

I am still going to the pyschologist. She is very relaxed and relaxing. Very easy going and doesn't make me feel like she judges me. She listens and says all the right things. I really appreciate her and feel so much better after I spill it all out to her.

She seems to think that we can get our marraige back on the right track. I am not so sure. At this point I feel like a sister more than a wife. I love him very much, but it isn't the same. Maybe even "normal" marraiges feel like this? Weve been at this marraige thing for 21 years, do I want to spend the next 21 feeling the way I do??? NO freaking way. I am sure it will take time, but I sure hope I can get some of the old feelings back. It hurts too much to live like this...but I am trying to work as hard as I can on it.

Posted by Jamie at July 18, 2004 04:38 PM | TrackBack


Hi Jamie,

I can relate totally. My estranged spouse and I were married for about 35 years. He was diagnozed in 1978 as having paranoid schizophrenia, just after 13 years of marriage. It was hell! Still, I took my marriage vows very seriously and was thinking that it was not his fault. Just like you I missed the hug, talk, understand etc. All of it. It hurt so much being in the same room and feeling alone, lonely. Yet I kept on hoping and working hard to make our marriage work. For a long time, he was physically abusive. Then it became very abusive, emotionally and verbally. We were also living as brothers and sisters, like you write. On top of it all, my in-laws blamed his illness on me. I had no emotional support whatsoever.

I could not have girlfriends, go out by myself, constant checking on me, what I ate, everything I did was being "monitored" by him. I felt trapped and just ONE BIG HURT.

In 1996, I collapsed into a severe depression. In group therapy, some asked me how I was feeling. The tears came out and stopped just recently. Then I remembered that I hadn't cried since 1974. My spouse would be too upset and would walk away when I cried. Not once did he tell me that he loved me. At one time I asked him why he never gave me a compliment. His answer was: if I would do so, it would go to your head.

In 1999 I separated from him. I was thinking the same thing like you. Can I do this for another 20 odd years? Then I knew that I couldn't, so I escaped, for my own survival.

Yes, I still care for him, but cannot live with him for 24 hrs a day. We still are "friends", he is on my insurance, I fix his paper work and we talk on the phone. Once in a while, he comes over for coffee.

Jamie, when we lose our husband to this mental illnes, we cannot grieve such as the spouses do when their spouse's bodies die. We are not supported like widows/windowers are when we ose our husbands this way. We lost the man we married but in a different way and cannot mourn openly, as symbolized by a funeral service. That's why this hurts so much.

Just like you, I worked as hard as I could, it would be okay for one day and then back to "normal", whatever normal was or is.

It has been 5 years since our separation now. I am doing much better. I don't have to deal with 7/24 hurt and rejection feelings anymore. I adopted a cat and live quite peacefully and content. My ex-spouse told me a few times after we separated: I love you!!, be he wouldn't say it when married, eventhough I had expressed my needs years before the break up.

Take care of your self Jamie. It is good that you are getting support from a psychologist.

Posted by: Elisa at July 19, 2004 05:09 AM

Hi-its Amy. I still read your stuff everytime you post, although I am not as faithful at posting lately.
Summer has been very busy and things have been going very well here in my home Thank Goodness.
I read your last post about your husband being suspicious of you and having an affair. Mike is exactly like that with me, though not quite as intensly as he was a few months ago, not since the medication change.
I won't get into details, but he would look for footprints in the driveway and the house, look to see if the bed was messed up, look for dirty towels, etc., like I was having sex right here in the house with someone. I said the same you said, who has time. Mike's dillusion was that I was a sex addict and I had sex anywhere I could with anyone I could-yea, and this just stopped.
He still is a bit suspicious. It is still a trial to go do something with someone else for the day without getting a condicending word or being accused of taking advatage of a good thing, I just don't even fight anymore. I just walk away and don't get into it and it is over-nothing more said...I am getting better at doing that, it is hard when you are being accused of doing something
Well take care. talk to you soon

Posted by: Amy at July 19, 2004 08:07 PM

Hi, I am new to this site and to the newly diagnosis of my Husband. My hb was just diagnosed as having schizophenia. It is really hard for me to accept. We have been married for 3 years now and just found all this out about 4 mos. ago. I am not sure how to help and I have no clue where to begin. I love him with all my heart and just pray every day that somehow we can get through this stage of stablizing his medications so we can work forward. Please, if you have any words of wisdom for me, I could use all the friends I can get.

Posted by: Nicole at July 20, 2004 04:58 PM


Posted by: saingls at November 14, 2007 05:11 AM

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