July 20, 2004


Yesterday was hell. I did finally put my finger on something and was able to tell m. about it without him becoming defensive. It seems that everytime I try to talk to him about the pain I am in or the problems I am having...he like shuts down or puts this barrier up between us. Of course, my first reaction is well he just doesn't care, which in turn pisses me off. So yesterday I just flat out ask him "Why is it that you cannot comfort me? Tell me that I am going to be ok, that you are willing to help me?" He says "I have to distance myself from your depression or you will bring me down too."

So there you have it. He cannot help me. Cannot support me. I KNOW this is not his fault. Really I do, I know that it is the medication and the disease combined that make for flat emotions and self centeredness. But it sure doesn't make it hurt any worse. To be honest it makes me very sad, angry, disappointed. I feel like I have been there for him for nearly 21 years and now that I REALLY need someone to lean on, someone to put me first on their list, I don't have it. I can't have it.

How long can a person possibly feel this damn bad. It is like torture. There is so much pain and tears within me that I don't think I will ever be able to get it out.

I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Make decisions for me that would make me feel better. I couldn't make a decision if you paid me.
I know what I want. I know I can't have it. So what should I do.? Go after what I want and destroy about 10 people(family) in the process? Or stick this out and play the cards I was dealt?

I hate this.

Posted by Jamie at July 20, 2004 09:01 PM | TrackBack


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