July 23, 2004

The Choice

The cure to feeling trapped in a relationship is to realize you have a choice. I have a choice. This is what we talked about in therapy yesterday.
I have not felt that I had a choice before in this relationship. There are so many things that tell me I have to stay. Love, Kids, finances, the illness, my commitment to my marraige vows. I have been married more than half my life. And dealt with sz. for the whole marraige. Do you leave someone who is sick? He, who certainly can't help it and didn't deserve it? Do you leave someone who you have slept next to for 21 years? And for what? To live alone? Be alone? So that I can "feel" better?
Dear Lord this is so confusing.
The decision that I have made for today, this week,...LOL...is that I am staying. I am not strong enough to go. I cannot trample people on my way out the door and that is exactly what would happen. I would lose half my family (inlaws) that I love very much.
But what the therapist wants me to remember is that I have a choice, that if for some reason down the road I change my mind, that I can go if I need/want too.
We also talked about the emotional/physical intimacy that I crave and do not get. She suggested that I ask for a hug, tell him to put his arms around me, tell him what I need to hear and feel. This sounds so revolting to me, so needy, to have to ask for what is rightfully mine or should be. I give these things out freely, but don't get them in return. Her reasoning is that even if you have to ask for it, it is better than none at all. This is going to take some getting use to.
But I guess I have to work with it or stop whining, right?
My med dr upped my prozac, so we will see if that works after a while.
I just know that something has to change in my head and my heart. The pain is too intense to ignore.

Posted by Jamie at July 23, 2004 09:22 PM | TrackBack


I just read the choice,wow did that hit home! I have lived with my wife of over twenty years. She struggles with a personality disorder.I'm at a lost for what to do ? I came to the realization recently that she simply wont get better.

Emotionally drained, on anti depressents now my self.Longing for a real relationship with some one that is capable of giving. My vows stand in the way of that currently. Wanting to seperate leaves me concerned also about my wifes well being.I have a younger daughter who is just 8, and what effects and damadge have I allowed for my kids???? Just wanted to let you know you are not alone! IM OPEN TO ANY GOOD ADVISE!!!!

Posted by: todd at January 17, 2006 05:51 AM

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