July 24, 2004

walk in the rain

M. and I walked in the rain last night. It was a reflective time and we had a good talk.
I told him that the pdr. said that maybe he doesn't know what I need when I need it emotionally. She suggested that I ask for what I want. ( a hug, etc...)
He responded that he DOES know what I need, just feels he cannot adequately give it to me. I said by adequate does he mean that he just can't do it or just not do it good enough? He said "Both".
Ahhhhh, ok. I said, Don't worry that it won't be good enough, I will take it! he smiled then.

Also, I told him that I know this is not his fault. it is the illness and the medication. He said that makes him angry when I say that because it sounds like I am thinking of him as a mentally ill person.
I don't always think of him as a mentally ill person. I know the real him, the man, the love of my life. He's there. I can seperate the delusions, paranoia, the depression. That is the illness. BUT when I don't get the emotional closeness, the support, the love that I need...it turns into muddy water. The illness slips over onto the realtionship that I have with the man. And that is where my depression comes in. The feelings of grief and loss. The terrible pain.

He says to remember that there are a lot of things I do get from him. Look at the whole picture. This I will have to try to do better on.

Slowly but surely we are uncovering all the layers that this illness has covered up within us.

Posted by Jamie at July 24, 2004 04:21 PM | TrackBack


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