April 29, 2004

they found out

So, things at my job are coming to a head. I knew that, since I'd been having such a crappy week, everyone who isn't supposed to know that I work for SMH would be at the April 20th mandatory class on hospitalization. I was right. Lousy shrink #2 and Lousy Shrink #3 were there, as well as my current case manager. It won't be enough to have warned my case manager that: "this has been a rough couple years of recovery for me, and my job is something that's going well in my life. Please, don't make the wrong call, here. It's not yours to make." I don't want to fight with them anymore. They're pathetic. My hatred has cooled to contempt, and I no longer wish to waste my time with that diseased organization.

It's a good thing that I have a new job (if I still do), because I knew this one at SMH would end sooner or later. And it looks like the time has come. It's funny because, a week ago I asked my dad whether it was a good idea to quit my first job, and if so, when. He said, "when the time comes, you'll know." I think I'll wait. What's the use of losing your job for an unusual reason if you can't be fired spectacularly? It was good while it lasted, and I'm sure I'll find a new way to be subversive. I met up with my mother today and she said, "well, your goal at first was for them to get to know you as a person first anyway." It's true, maybe at least one of my co-workers will have a shift in the way they look at the clients after they learn about how I was all along.

When I next worked on the 22nd, my boss wouldn't even make eye contact with me, so I knew the gig was up. It turned out to be my boss' boss who had The Talk with me. Debbie sat me down in the office and told me that I already knew what she was going to be talking about. She says there's no way the situation can continue, so she'll probably have to can me. The official excuse she used was thus: "As an employee, you have the ability to read the treatment notes of your peers." Yes. My peers. The way she said it made the mentally-ill sound like some kind of inferior race of beings. I told her about my efforts to try to change my treatment to a different agency, and asked if perhaps we could work things out in that direction. She said she'll see what she can do. I guess I'm persona non grata around SMH, for now.

Posted by alex at 11:08 PM | Comments (0)

April 19, 2004


Work at the residential home for the mentally-ill was exhausting. When I first walked in, I found out that one of the staff members' estranged husbands is going to be trying to kill her. She has a restraining order, and we have photos of him and orders to call 911 if we see him. After she left, she called us and told us that he is in town and planning to come kill her at work. Thankfully, he never showed up!

It seems like it was a bad day for everybody. Two of the clients were really belligerent. One was really drunk, and his probation officer is impossible to get a hold of. One of the clients was freaking out uncontrollably because he thought his girlfriend had put "dissolving cream" on his penis. Then, one of the clients had a seizure! I had to leap on top of him and wedge myself between him and a fridge to keep him from hitting his head. Afterwards he was unconscious, so I called 911. They had about fifteen paramedics come! It was wacky how many people were in there! So I ran around making photocopies of medical information. They shipped him off to the hospital. So, I am tired.

It's amazing how stress will come in waves no matter how much you try to block it out. I found out a few days ago that I might have another breast tumor, and I've been subconsciously fretting ever since. But I'm going to blame it on the fact that Mercury is in retrograde.

Posted by alex at 08:52 PM | Comments (2)

April 05, 2004


Well, the folks from yesterday's job interview don't want me. I got the depressing phone call today. But, I went to another job interview at a local hotel. Their Human Resources centre had one of those carpet designs that seems to crawl and slither up my legs. The bright red tile walls appeared to bow in upon me. It was as if that room were devilishly designed to evoke disturbing hallucinations. I managed to remain calm after a quick trip to the restroom to regroup my thoughts. However, my nervousness makes my visions and voices worse, so the whole interview was a blur of automatic responses. They said they'd let me know tomorrow. I'm not so confident about this one.

Posted by alex at 10:33 PM | Comments (1)


This morning I woke up terrified. I used to never be afraid of anything this Earth could throw at me. In college, I studied zoology, and dreamed of traveling to far off lands to capture strange new creatures. I've been bitten by everything from a lemur to an anaconda, and nothing gives me the willies. However, my brain has changed now, and I often find myself in a nightmare of terror. You see, the one thing that I was always secretly afraid of was a lack of control. And now, I cannot control even my own mind.

Today I had a job interview scheduled for three o' clock. I already work a part time on-call job at a local residential home for the mentally-ill. Of course, my boss doesn't know about my condition, and if I have it my way, no boss of mine ever will. However, I want to get an additional job. My entire life, I had a set plan: Graduate from college, get a job at a zoo, get married, move into a house and raise a kid. Now, I can't do many of those things. I don't know what sorts of jobs I'll be able to handle, so I've jumped from part-time job to volunteer jobs and back in a desperate attempt to become a contributing member of society. My newest endeavor is bartending. So, I donned my best interview clothes early, and paced my house in anticipation.

The problem is that the busses don't run today, so I had to borrow my live-in boyfriend's car. Driving is another new fear. I'm terrified that I will hallucinate and crash the car into a bus-load of kids. I spent five minutes shivering in the driver's seat, adjusting the mirror before I left.

On the freeway, I experienced the familiar psychosis I've come to expect. My ever-present voices grew louder. They were in the other cars all around me, they drifted in to scramble my brains and attempt to make me swerve the car. They all wanted to control me, to destroy me. So much hatred in the world pressing down on me. Suffocating me. I kept my hands locked on the steering wheel, determined to not let them take me. I spoke aloud to myself. I read every sign out loud, and talked to myself about my next turn. I made it safely.

The bar I applied at was quite nice, and a non-smoking one at that. I was disappointed to learn that there would be no chance of ever acquiring a full time position there, but I'm ready to try anything. For a year I was on disability, and living off the hand-outs of my loved ones. It's time for me to start paying them back. I'll find out tomorrow whether I've landed this new job. Wish me luck!

Posted by alex at 02:29 AM | Comments (0)