July 24, 2004

Waiting for my dr.

I'm anxiously awaiting my appointment with my dr. on the 30st. They cancelled my other appointment without asking me; so I've been waiting since mid May. I need a mood stablilizer. I'm so moody and hostile. I think my wellbutrin is causing me to have seizures at night so I'm going to ask to go off of it. I want to try Abilify again. Last time I tried it I was naseous; but I need something that works. When a drug is recalled does that mean that it is being removed from the market or does it sometimes mean that the drug will now carry a warning? I'm confused because I heard that a group of psychotropics were being recalled.

I asked Kaiser (my HMO through work) if I could have therapy and they denied me. So I wonder, if they could deny someone like me therapy then who gets therapy? They are more concerned with saving money than saving lives.

Work seemed great, but lately it has become a drag. They didn't train me and now they are upset that according to them I have not been fulfilling all my job requirements. This caused a huge scandal to wave through the office. These are the same employers who allowed my predecessor to do street drugs while on duty and allowed him to avoid fulfilling any of his job duties for a couple of years. They don't tell me how to boost membership in my clubs, but they complain that numbers are low. I feel defeated. I wonder why I put up with the stress and strife when I only make $250 more per month than I would get if I weren't working. This is really discouraging. I really don't know what other job I can do. I feel stuck.

I have decided that when I get the money I will finish my B.A. online. Perhaps I will have less courses to take if I transfer to Thomas Edison.

I am going to a photo shoot with a modeling agency on the 31st. I hope I can do this properly. I'm really nervous. They're having this audition for a show on NBC where these women share a house and have life coaches to help them work on their core issues. I kind of want to do it; but I'm thinking they might kick me out for being strange. Or maybe they wouldn't pick me because they don't want someone who has so many issues. Maybe I'd be too paranoid being so exposed. Wouldn't it be cool if I get my picture somewhere and I could say ha ha you all said I couldn't make it. How you like me now?

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at July 24, 2004 01:49 AM | TrackBack


Hello to you:

I did not even get your name and now I am on this comment page and I don't know how to backtrack and get your name, forgive me. All I can say right now is that this is the first time that I have read your blog journal and I have nothing but the most admiration for you for taking your medication first of all. I am the daughter that has the father who is not compliant at all, which is painful. I keep a blog page entitled: "A Daughter's Story" here on schizophrenia.com as well. My dad is near 70 and he may have to go into a different type of living arrangement now because of the unwillingness and the slyness that he is trying to maintain. My uncle and I see right through it. I am very busy like you are with my university studies, I deal with my bi-polar disorder the best way that I can, I have physical disabilities that are challenging at this time and I am going back to school in September regardless of anything that may stand in my way. I am going for the MFA in Creative Writing after my BA in Psychology. I am in a special program for Creative Writing as an undergraduate. Like yourself, I have an abundance of writing talent such as playwriting, scriptwriting, poetry, writing fiction and I recently started an autobiography which will be published in 2006. Let nothing stand in your way of your progress. I quickly read under your creative titles and you are an amazing and definitely a survivor! I wish that my dad would cooperate,; however, I have left all things in God's hands. I am 46 years old and I have recently developed Bell's Palsy behind his nonsense. I am sick and tired of his sly ways and I will simply not take any more. You have my email address. Email me when you can. I am extremely busy, I will type an entry on the site here today and then I have 2 classes to finish before the month ends, and trust me this will not happen again. You have a beautiful day and believe me, you have a daily fight but you are doing it and that makes me feel great, just knowing that.

sincerely, s. dianna (daughterfirstborn)
A Daughter's Story

Posted by: sharon dianna at August 1, 2004 12:28 PM

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