September 15, 2006

Almost midnight

I started writing poetry again. It feels very good to be producing again. I will post them tomorrow maybe. That's in one minute. But really I am too lazy tonight.

Monday my mom got a flat tire and so we didn't go to Olive View. But I got to go to the shrink. He said I seemed giddy. I didn't feel giddy after that comment. He was suspicious that I could be manic. But I'm not. Sometimes I feel happy though. That's allowed right? He told me to take the whole Lamictal pill instead of just 50 mg. I am off of Abilify. He will see me in November and is considering removing the Lexapro. There was a lady screaming in French in the lobby and it made me nervous. I was wondering if she had any control over her actions.

I realized that I don't need to go to Olive View anyhow because I have some pills in my closet that I can substitute for the prescribed ones. They were prescribed last year and are still good. In fact I have 3 refills of 3 packs apiece that I can get before March 2007. These are the hormones for the endometriosis. This should end that pain.

I did quit my job as the facilitator of the meeting I was running. I got burned out on it. I didn't go to the job interview on Tuesday. I feel that I should wait a while before committing to work again. The interview I am referring to is Petco.

My friend Fardin came over for coffee today and that was fun. I was showing him some books I have on Socrates and Plato and he was quite excited to get to borrow them. He had mentioned an interest in them. He was wanting to read The Allegory of The Cave but I couldn't find it. We were discussing obsessions and compulsions and what makes us project our negative thoughts onto others.

I have been doing a lot of writing and have almost filled a journal in the past two weeks. I am having new insights into my life. I did the math and realized that I was 4 when I was in Kindergarten. I don't know why they started me so young. I didn't turn 5 until one month before the end of my school year. This is only signigicant now because I was treated poorly for failing in some subjects. I really deserve kudos for doing as well as I did. I am Dyslexic and things were rough. No one recognized it and they thought I was being lazy. I guess these deficits brought shame to my parents. No wonder I can't forgive myself when I make mistakes.

I liked a few quotes from The artist's way.

"I merely took the energy to pout and wrote some blues." Duke Ellington

"Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything." Eugene Delacroix

I changed my mind. I will copy the poetry down here. It is almost one now.

Too Little/Too Soon

All of four years and three months
I was shoved through the door of kindergarten
to begin my formal education.
It was rich and delicious
but as I fell behind in second grade
at home I learned I was a lazy child.

Daddy ripped out his belt in a rage
after the visit by the teacher.
He was humiliated.
Backed against the bed
I pleaded
Daddy don't hit me
he turned and left.

The informal education
continued at home
with no dinner for you tonight girl.
You are grounded;go to your room.

I believed I was dumb;
I would only be good if
I earned A's and then
grandparents could reward me
with money.

My mouth became dirty with rage
so mama washed it out with soap.
I alternated between
mutism and screaming.

I broke doors I slammed too many times.
I accepted the fact that I was a
juvenile delinquent.
I took my ritalin like a good girl.
Ma'am why does your daughter
sit and stare out the classroom window?

Then came the desire to slash my wrists
with the razor in the bathroom window sill.

One year later an escape via the underground railroad
to Los Angeles

An epiphany: a hero is born.

3 weeks without a kitchen sink
makes me shudder/ makes me think
Would you do this to your granny?

Landlord sucks up my rent payment
leaves me with the smell of
vomit and musty mold.

I live in fear of eviction
I shut up.
My anger churns in my stomach.

This is slum survival and destitution.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at September 15, 2006 07:58 AM


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