May 19, 2007

Confusion Sets In

I went to an interview for an independent living program yesterday which would put me into transitional housing and then into a section 8 apartment later on. They asked me a lot of personal questions and it was a difficult meeting. I left there very upset. They were asking me questions like "What do you do when you get bored?" I really couldn't answer that because that is all I am lately is just bored. They have this rule where you must be engaged in 20 hours of activity per week outside of your apartment. I can't begin to imagine right now what that could be for me. I am embarassed to admit it but I am staying home a lot lately. I hate it but I don't have anywhere to go during the week. I am in an extreme depression and my meds aren't really doing anything for me.

I took a break from writing this today and went to visit a friend. She is two buses away and we went out so I could eat lunch. She was just having iced tea. I ate Indian food. It was pretty good; but I prefer a different restaurant which is a little further away. Then after lunch we went to Balboa Lake which I haven't been to in a long time. It was very pretty there. At the restuarant my friend and I shared tales of how we are doing and how we deal with the anguish of the illness. Her mother just passed away and she is actually a bit relieved in a way because she felt that her mother was so judgemental and never really was warm with her. She doesn't have that nagging thought anymore that her mother will tell her that she should be doing this or that anymore. She said that she feels that I really don't want to move to Texas and that she knows that I feel a sense that I don't really please my mom. I may never have a job, husband, kids, house etc. These things are what most people consider healthy and successful. I don't fit into the materialistic view that you are only as good as your job or your net worth.

I am actually trying to find a a partial hospitalization program. I am going stir crazy in my apartment and it is not getting any better for me. So I tell myself that if I just do one for maybe a month or two then maybe I can find something else. This depression has got to go away.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at May 19, 2007 08:09 PM


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