August 24, 2005


I didn't get that job I applied for. I guess it is for the best. It sent me into a depression last Thursday.

Last Saturday I saw a movie with a friend called 2064. I think that was the title. It was a Chinese movie that takes place partly in the past and partly in the future. It was very well done.

I didn't got to the concert. I didn't have transportation to come home.

I just learned that my sisters friend commited suicide. He was Bipolar. I am going to send a condolence card.

My Aunt is in the hospital because she has been taking too many painkillers like Alleve and Tylenol over a long period of time. She probably has cirrhosis of the liver. She has been having stress headaches for a long time. She had internal bleeding. Now she can have jello and grape juice. I have been praying for her. My Mom (her older sister) offered her to come recuperate in L.A. My Aunt lives in Houston. I think part of the problem with my Aunt is that she lacked health insurance and now she could need a liver transplant. Everyone loses in the end. I see this as a wake up call to me. I have also been taking a lot of painkillers and could endure serious side effects if I don't get medical attention soon.

I am going swimming at my friend Linda's house on Saturday. Tomorrow I am going to see a movie with my Mom. We are going to Broken Flowers. Today I see my therapist and tomorrow I see my Primary Care Physician about a referral for a gyno. I don't know why we need a referral to see a Gyno.

My friend brought me a mint plant in a cute pot yesterday morning. That really brought light to my day. She said to drink mint tea for my pain.

I wrote a new poem.


As I dress myself today
I remember
the Cambodian children
who slaved to assemble
my Levi jeans.

I worry about the garbage
that I contibute to the
landfill called
Sunshine Canyon;
where children at a
nearby elementary school
are contracting cancer
at an alarming rate.

I worry about the bevy of
drugs I consume daily
and worry if they
will kill me like
they killed my friend Larry.

There are always sad
compromises in life.
Where does the sun shine?

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 09:00 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2005

Interview Went Well

The job interview went well; but I found out that it only pays 12.00 per hour. I can make more with LAUSD. I am still waiting for the referral to arrive in the mail so that I can see a Dr. I would love to just have an easy solution to the abdominal pain. One thing that I constantly experience is indigestion from the pills. Does anyone know what to take to stop that?

I am looking into Easter Seals Home Select Program to see if I can buy a condo. They help disabled people buy property. I kind of hope that the mortgage would be lower than my rent is though.

I am still waiting to find out how much financial aid I will receive from Thomas Edison.

I saw Radio Golf at The Mark Taper Forum on Saturday and found it slow and boring. It did have its moments though. I was expecting better though because I have seen three other August Wilson plays and this one was dull in comparison. I had a blast going though. After the play I had my cousin drop me at the MHA office so that I could meet my friend. We went to a group art show at a gallery in Silver Lake. Neither of us really liked the artwork; (her friend was one of the artists)but it was kind of a trip to people watch there.

This Sunday I am going to a concert in a park with other Project Return members. We will each bring a picnic. I have to look up who is playing that night.

I am considering having a party on Labor day weekend. I am doing end of summer cleaning in my apartment now. I cleaned the balcony (which was filthy from the pidgeons) and I cleaned out my refrigerator. Okay my life is dull right now, I know.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 09:06 PM | Comments (0)

August 04, 2005

Strange Encounter

I had a strange blind date a couple of weeks ago. I wrote a poem about the guy. Because of this I will no longer post online ads.

I am posting a poem at the end of this entry about that meeting.

I have decided to use my savings to survive on instead of buying a car just now. They cut my benefits; but I think I can have them reinstated when I see a new Dr. soon.

Seeing a new Gyno has been kind of slow going. I am waiting on a referral to a Dr. who accepts my Medi-Cal. The pain persists and I will most likely need a hysterectomy. I think for that reason I shouldn't work just now; but I will probably still go on my interview on the 15th.

I took a friend by bus to downtown today because her car broke down and she had to turn in some MIS forms. It took us three hours including a quick break so that I could eat lunch. She didn't know how to take busses.

I applied for student aid and found out that I am supposed to contibute $6,000 toward my ed. I hope that includes my housing. I will find out soon how much each school would be willing to finance me.

If I go to Thomas Edison I only have to take 14 more units to complete a degree in Liberal Studies. If I go to Cal State Northridge then I have to complete maybe 30 units. So it is pretty clear cut to me that TESC is the way to go.

I think that tomorrow my friend and I are going to L.A. to go to a store where you can load your mP3 player. I think that that should be fun.

Tomorrow night I am going to my other friend's Schizophrenics
Anonymous meeting in Hollywood.
I hope it is good. Last night I went to a Bipolar meeting. It was good. One consumer was in a deep depression caused by Abilfy. She was thrown into mania and then went into a rapid spiral downward. She is upset because no one told her that it could cause that.
While she was on Abilify she started eating compulsively due to increased hunger with Abilify and she gained back all this weight she had lost over a year or two of exercise and healthy eating.

Did I mention before how I thought that we should have a plastic colored arm band to sell to raise funds for mental illness? What a great way for people to show that they are evolved and are accepting of the mentally ill population.

I found out that the housing I was kind of counting on is only supposed to house seven people. It is seven one bedroom apts. and I don't know what my chances are of getting in there are.

Don't forget to read the poem.

I had to walk past a homeless woman
scattered on the lawn
looked half-dead
just to meet you at 9:00
blind date doughnut shop.

One not-bad looking man
kept staring at me smiling
I kinda like him
but thought of you
as I emulsified
my mint chocolate chip
ice cream in a styrfoam cup.

You came in all attitude
no class
said you had a seven month old baby
mothered by you ex-internet girlfriend
said you'd like to send your baby
back where she came from
said you hated the doughnut shop
How could I have chosen
this loud, crowded spot
with this ultrbright ultraviolet light
"that really makes you look too white"
Said I was too laid back.
What does it take to make you hyper?!
He said he was looking for a distraction
from his ex cause they kept breakin up and makin up.
Said he wanted to forget her.

So we said goodbye
and a little humiliated
I waded back home
trying not to trip
on earthquake concrete cracks
walking past a young man on crack
with hell in his eyes.

Then a nice looking fellow
rode by on a bike
Que la vaya bien."

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 01:08 AM | Comments (0)