December 24, 2005

Feliz Noche Buena/Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah etc.

Hello again. Tonight I am going to celebrate La Noche Buena at my boyfriend's brother's house. I am a little nervous about it, but also excited. I will meet his five year old daughter tonight. Tomorrow night night I will have a dinner at my Mom's house. I won a dvd on the radio of The Concert For Bangladesh. It happend in 1971 and I know that my mom will love it. I had to answer a trivia question to win it. They asked what type of shoes Ravi Shankar was wearing onstage. I answered that he had been barefoot. My friend Annette was on the front row at the concert. It was at Madison Square Garden.

Unfortunately I was the victim of identity theft. I received a bill for a sprint pcs phone two days ago and I don't own a cell phone. So now I must do a lot of paperwork and pull my credit report to see what damages have been done.

I went to a great party on Wednesday. The gifts for giving party. I picked out a gift for myself. It was a journal with a leopard print on the outside. It came with a squishy pen that writes with pink ink. I saw so many old friends there that I have known for around fifteen years. I ran into people I had gone to Japan with in 1997. We have a special bond I think. I dressed up in a black sweater dress with some fluffy stuff on the collar.

I have decided that the pain is correlated to the hypoglycemia. I was having a lot of dizzyness recently and want to learn to manage that better. I went to a Dr. (my Gp) and he kind of pissed me off. I had gone in for a perscription for a glucose test and he was fifteen minutes late for my appointment. I know that that is normal but then he took someone else ahead of me which wasn't necessary. It was the pharmaceuticals sales person. She walked into the office and announced that she had lots of goodies for the office. So then he took her first. I just walked out. I don't need that treatment. He called and left a long message to excuse himself (it wasn't really an apology)and I just deleted it. He won't get my business in the future. He makes you walk in as an appointment to get a blood test form. That way he can charge the state for an office visit. B.S.

I forgot to mention that at the party on Wednesday a stanger walked up to me and asked me if my hair color was natural. I told her that it had kind of been an accident. She was giving me compliments and saying she loved it. How funny! The woman I was sitting with got a little upset after the first one walked away and said that she shouldn't have asked if it was natural or not. That it had been rude. But I didn't take it that way. The friend i was sitting with (China)and I took a phot with santa. I didn't want to at first because I thought that a bunch of adults don't need to be sitting on santa's lap and all that; but then she convinced me and we took it together. We din't sit we stood. He hugged us and said I have two beautiful ladies to take the photo with. Well what else do you expect santa to say.

I ran out of my Lexapro for two weeks and just got one in my body again yesterday. Whew that was tumultuous. I won't try that again. I just realized that words with a repeating letter are harder to type because of the dyslexia. I laugh about it now though.

I realized yesterday that I should have been diagnosed with selective mutism as a child. I still freeze sometimes. I don't know if that is what causes me some touble with verbal communication or what; but I need some training on those skills. Victor tells me that I stay quiet a lot. This is creating problems. When I know someone and trust them I am quite verbal though.

I am considering moving. When Victor signs the lease the rent will increase to $950 or so. That is much too much for a small apartment like this. So I have begun to search the ads and have found some decent alternatives perhaps. I haven't run the idea by him though yet. I will speak to him about it soon. Suddenly I feel empowered to do such a thing.

I want to get my poetry book pubished. I have a lot to put in there now. I also do black and white photography. I haven't done the developing in a while; but I really enjoy doing that. I want to make a calendar of photos. I must pick a theme. I saw a book on dogs in New Jersey. (a photo book) I could do L.A. dogs. There are a lot of small dogs here. People must have small dogs because of small living space. But then you also have your fair share of pit bulls. Those are scary.

Here is a new poem.

Searching for Grandma and Grandpa Wilcox
in a box of clutter,
a few years since their passings,
searching for things lost
things missing,
and things disappeared.

Finding only signs of an aristocratic
life in India,
locating my dad and his sisters
as children
non-judgemental yet judged,
being reminded of the pious frugal life
led by two who did not understand.
Reminded of the biannual visits
knowing that I should have listened more
to capture our story.

Finding fifty year old postcards
and a hundred year old oratory book
packed with spoofs on accents
and Scientology.

I see a lighter side of a couple
who had their car carried through a river
by citizens of India
(like deities)
for a family who brought
in the irrigation.

Now I see a couple disappointed
in their son's first wife
a lesbian mother
and remember the strain
as the child
who looked into those pious eyes.

The other day I was thinking that I don't want my epitaph to read "I should have done it better."

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 03:35 PM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2005

Same Difference

I got this weird e-mail. It said that it was from the CIA and that I had visited 30 illegal websites. That sounds kind of exciting. I know it is fake though. They asked me to answer a questionaire. I didn't open it though.

I will see a new gyno on Friday. He came reccomended. We shall see.

Tomorrow night I go to a Christmas play with Victor. I think it will be nice.

I had a big argument with my mom over Victor living here. Then I got a letter from the management company stating that since he is living here that he would have to be added to the lease. That also means that they would increase my rent by almost $100 per month. I have asked him to move and he sees the severity of the situation so is not upset about it.

Thursday afternoon I will go to a Project Return meeting where we will celebrate my friend's 62nd birthday.

Saturday I will go to the advisory board meeting where we will turn in paperwork documenting statistics and descriptions of our meetings. One of my meetings had 5 people one had four and another had just me. I created a flyer and have distributed it a little now.

Last Saturday night my friend Julie and I went to my Mom's Christmas party. She had tamales and some really good barbecued chicken. I was able to visit with my second cousin and his wife who don't live far from here as well as my cousin Lori who lives nearby. She is a couple of years yourger than I am. I am considering asking her if she'd like to go in on a tri-plex with Julie and I.

Sunday I went to see Rent (the movie) at a theater that charges only $2 per movie before 6p.m. I know people who rave about the play but for some reason I wasn't that thrilled with the movie. I was very glad I went and did something by myself though.

Yesterday I went and had my hair done at a beauty school called Marinello's. They only charged me $10 for a shampoo, cut, blow dry and curl. I left there looking like Farah Fawcett or maybe That 70's Show.

Yesterday Victor and I took a 45-60 minute walk around the neighborhood. We went in the morning and it was invigorating.

I heard a report on the radio today that said that Sam-E is really good for depression and anxiety as well as attention problems and inflamation of the joints. I really would like to titrate off of my Lexapro and Lamictal onto that because there are no side effects with it. I am tired of Drs telling me that there are no side effects to these meds. Phooey!

Next week is the Project Return Christmas Party. I am really looking for to that.

I wrote a new poem. It is Optimistic.

I, the mountain dreamer
will be a joyous deliberate creator
of the life I desire
I seek purification of my heart
continuity, eternity,
serenity,and tranquility.
I escape to the journey within
and I shall follow my North Star
to the disappearance of the universe.

I will find the miracles of forgiveness;
pick daily fruit from the tree of life
witness twelve prayers
become twelve wild swans
and awaken free
from an ordinary and confused mind.

And with the pace of grace
this seeker will not stop
until she finds.
This is my story which I have related...
take some elsewhere and let some
come back to me.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)

December 03, 2005

Weird Week

I pretty much was home all week debilitated by pain and nausea. I couldn't go to the advisory board a week ago because I was very ill.

I went to the new gyno on Tuesday and she was weird. She probed about the post traumatic stress diorder diagnosis that I had written on my medical questionaire. I gave her information and she got all weird on me. She gave me 20 minute speech on accepting Jesus into my heart and that if I only would forgive then I could stop all my medication. She said that the devil puts psychosis in our minds and that Christians don't have any reason not to heal themselves. She made me late to my meeting and I got a migraine because I couldn't eat before my meeting. She was running an hour behind schedule. I kept waiting because I kept thinking that this would be the doctor who would help me.

She did do a sonogram and showed me a picture of the cyst on my right ovary. She said that the only thing to do would be to take Vicodin for the next two months until she does another sonogram to see if the cyst has grown. So according to her (warped mind) I should sit here like this for two more months. She doesn't believe I should have a hysterectomy with the removal of my ovaries because I am only 36 and that I should keep my ovaries for another 15 years or so. They told me to take hormones so that I will not continue to develop cysts now; but I am sure that that is what is causing the nausea. This ain't cool. I want to go back to work.

The ups and downs meeting was great on Tuesday night. It was fun. We had five people and a lively discussion. We are planning to bring in Psychiatrists to do a question and answer session later on. We will announce it far in advance so that we will be sure to have a crowd. I am supposed to promote the club with my therapist and doctor.

I watched the video "Alexander". It was really good except for the long fighting scenes.

My step-mom sent me some angels. I collect them. That was very nice.

Here are two new poems:

Rotten Eggs
My internally lain eggs
have given me this disease
you convey your concern
and soon you leave me.
Someone owes you $10
so you go to collect;
leaving me to wonder
how long I have left
and when you'll disappear.
Your $10 will buy your ticket
to escape this death mask.

Sleepwalking Psychiatrists
on too much Ambien
or maybe psychotic demon doctors
going with the status quo
never really hearing
the stories
always replaying
copies of soundtracks
for each new patient
same old story
with a new cover.
10 doctors misdiagnosed
repeating this
"genetic disease"
because of which
I had a tubal ligation,
gained 100 pounds,
turned hypoglycemic,
became more myopic,
grind my teeth,
have jaw spasms,
and have diarreah.
Thanks to 10 doctors
who gave me this disease
with their black magic wands;
I have lost 15 years of my adulthood.
First my childhood
was stolen.
Now I must unbury myself again.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 09:26 PM | Comments (0)