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It is pay day for our disability cheque. I have a debit repayment plan in effect now. Hopefully I don't go crazy with beginning of the month spending. We are planning on visiting family this coming weekend. They will support us a bit too. I am on call tonight. I have more studying of public law to do today but will be buying cigarettes today for the week. Then I will be home for most of the day. I have been thinking about a new computer may be an Apple laptop but there are also some good deals on refurbished IBM desktops and flat panel screens.
I am staying up late marking the test I gave last night. I have marked for about two hours now and am now working on the computer.
I was almost overwhelmed by requests for help in my late lab tonight. I gave two labs and also a test tonight. I feel I should have given the students more but I told them I was only paid for so much and that I was tired.
I chatted with two other disabled students again at the train stop. I explained maximum likelihood estimators a concept while easy to understand for a upper year math or engineering student or science student to work with these estimators is more difficult.
I was on call for 6 hours today but there were no calls. I also attended an arts committee meeting at our self help group. Related to this I named my ready made sculpture Vintage Keyboarding but now will change the name slightly to Vintage Keyboard. The day went well very busy very little money spent. I just spent money on food and drink.
I booked two security shifts and have almost confirmed our union executive retreat and also almost confirmed my first aid recert and CPR recert.
I have the day off today. I will be giving some labs tomorrow night at school. I will have the day off Tuesday and Wednesday in fact after Monday I will have a week off until next Monday except that I must mark a test I am giving this Monday.
I will have a volunteer shift though on Tuesday evening and over night.
I don't know if it was the four years working in security or just a recovery to a more active work life or just better planning of time. My work and the planning of the timing of my work is going great. I did my two labs and one tutorial yesterday. I also managed to drop by and see my public law professor who I listened and talked with for one hour. He commented that I would make a good judge. I also gave the union orientation session. I ended the day on campus talking with other students with mental health issues at the train stop. So over all a successful day.
I am giving another union welcome session today. I will be in our mathematics and statistics school seminar room at 2:30 PM today to do this. I will then visit my public law professor in his office at 3:30 PM then prepare my first lab for the day at 5:00 PM then have an hour off then give a tutorial at 7:00 PM where I will solve problems on the blackboard, then give another lab at 9:00PM. Then I will finally come home around 10:30.
I finally got an email reply from the professor of public law. He said the topic for the paper would be posted today. I am also going to meet with him in his office today at 3:30 in the afternoon.
I just finished reading some critical studies of Internet economics where the author looked at drone economics or the free labour on the web or gift economy contributing to the ever more greedy business world and the capitialist web. The free stuff on the web keeps us surfing and eventually we buy something or at least pay for our Internet access.
I am just up earning a little above minimum wage doing some web linking to mapquest for our self help network. For each group in the network's web page I am making a link to mapquest based on the groups street address.
I am on call right now for my volunteer duties but it has been quiet for 6 hours now. I plan to sleep in about 3 hours. I might help with the newspapers a little.
I am working tomorrow from about 2 PM to 10 PM then I am going to stay up over night help a little with Saturday's papers if they are early then I will be going to another job for only four hours than I might check out a neighbourhood garage sale then come home and sleep at about 4 PM. So after the next 42 hours I will have worked at 4 jobs worked about 12 hours and earned about 130 dollars.
It is time to refresh and retrain in first aid and my annual CPR recertifcation time is coming up too. My work place has some training dates and I am just waiting to hear from my union at school about a scheduling conflict and I wil confirm the training dates. I am also training in suicide intervention this June 9th and 10th.
I am going to read a little of the book Health On-Line for Dummies and research blood clots which can be serious. Our roommate had a nurse come over today and give our roommate an injection. I will be monitoring her health as best I can. The last time someone I knew had a blood clot in the leg the person died in their sleep.
We had to help our roommate today and yesterday with her health. She is being treated now and a home call nurse will come by to inject her everyday now. We have also had to ask our roommate to find her own place to stay because our lease will not allow us to have guests longer than 1 month.
I woke up at about 10 am and watched my lecture. I got pop, beer and milk and am heading out to play a role playing game.
I had planned my week around health and safety training happening today and on Thursday. But a school strike in the public schools means the location for the training would be closed. So I all of sudden have all this free time. I am still up from Tuesday. But I took my meds about an hour ago and should sleep soon. I must be chasing the dragon.
One of the high schools I went to has its own web site. I surfed there for four hours and emailed former students who had been at school at the same time I was. More and more alumni are using sites like these. I asked a few old school alumni for work and business partnerships.
I am working in security on the weekend. I am working as a teaching assistant this Friday evening. I will be studying the textbooks this week and have been studying them over the long weekend. I am re-energised by my good mark in data mining to study and work in statistics more.
I ordered some photos today. I will pick them up later this week perhaps on Friday or on the weekend.
Everyone have a safe and joyous Victoria day. It seemed fitting to read Canadian law on Victoria day.
I was able to complete watching my lecture that I had recorded from TV. I then read books on Canadian constitutional law for three hours. I am getting to know the documents involved in our constitution. I am burnt out now and need to sleep.
My grade in the fourth year data mining course is available and I scored well enough to go to grad school with this mark. This also means my plan to study more third and fourth year honours statistics courses next year might be a good plan. I feel good about this mark too and was more motivated to study law over night and this morning. I was reading about the Canadian constitution and watching my second lecture. I also transfered the professor's power point slides to my palm hand held computer. I had to install power point 97 to do this transfer.
Because I had to wake up early Saturday morning and because I was tired at 8 PM Friday night I did not invite my friends over.
I was just chatting with strangers on-line.
I am still buying first aid supplies regularly. I got some more last week when I got paid. I am also still taking vitamins. 3 grams of C and 3 grams of Niacin a day.
Ok I didn't quite clean the toilet bowl properly. I did not use gloves. But used toilet cleaner and a brush. I also picked up all the old TP tubes for recycling.
I went to our training meeting for my teaching assistant work yesterday. I introduced some new teaching assistants to the union. I felt old. But it went well. I then attended a union meeting. I started a notebook to record my union activities and might publish this when it is written. I felt tired and slept at about 8 PM. I woke up at about 4:30 AM. So I was able to have a short day and get plenty of rest. I am the road today heading to a bookfair in Montreal.
I was writing here last year about my sleep quite a bit. I also have been writing about how many hours I budget for my courses. I will write some more about this now.
My course is a 24 lecture course. Each lecture in this summer TV course is about 2.5 hours so the total lecture time for the course is about 60 hours. This is a second year course so really I would only have to spend double the amount of lecture time on the work. So I would need to spend 120 hours on the course besides watching the lectures. But I want to make sure I score an A- or better so I need about three times out of class time to class time ratio or 180/60 = 3. Given that I have done all the readings for the first five lectures I would guess I have put in about 10 hours at least so far. But this week I continued with more than required readings and started the recommended readings. I spent almost 2 hours on this this week mostly at the library. So I am at about 12 hours thus the ratio right now is 12/60 or .2 total. Leaving some 168 hours still to do. But since only one lecture has happened I am at a 12/2.5 = 4.8 ratio currently or good enough.
In my sleep plans I have maintained a normal waking morning or 7 am or 8 am for about three days now. On Saturday I must wake up at 4 or 5 am to go out of town. This morning I am up from last night and might be up another 1.5 hours now. I have had a problem when I must be up early for more than one day and I seem to be coping with this although by staying up late tonight my plans are falling apart slightly.
I did take my planned day off today. It was a pay day so I did a little shopping. Earlier this week I bought some groceries. Today I bought flash memory cards for portable computing devices. I also bought the latest CD of one of my old music teachers. I also started to prepare for tomorrows meetings related to my teaching assistant work and union duties. I enjoyed riding around on the buses and then watched the house of commons in the evening and watched the vote where the government did not fall. This means there may be more money in the newly approved budget for the mentally ill.
I started my public law course now. The professor has not returned my emails. I have been reading the recommended readings today.
I spent time writing my schedule in sentences and did a not bad job considering schedules are better written in lists with times on one side like an agenda book. I am now going to update some of my other blogs. I have two meetings tomorrow related to my teaching assistant work. Then on Saturday I do not help with the newspapers this weekend but instead travel out of town with my anarchist comrades.
I am looking after other people these days. I still can not clean my office very well but I care for others. I got my wife her meds and got our house guest some money for a cab tomorrow to get her to a medical clinic.
My dad is in China now giving a paper at a science conference. My brother is probably preparing his family for going up to the summer cottage. My mother has requested I not phone her for a week and although that week is now up I am not going to contact her.
We have our tickets ready to take the train to see our daughter this coming month. She is now two and a half years old and has become a little girl or young girl. We have presents ready for her and her sister. We will also need to get our cameras ready. Also this trip will have to function as a vacation and we will go to a musuem and see some sights on our way there and on our way home.
I am just heading out to my city hall committee after missing the past two month's meetings. Today we discuss the new Ontarian's with Disablities Act or ODA. Although we are close to the USA on many laws we still don't have particular disabilities legislation instead replying on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms section 15. But this equality section does not make up many cases in the courts.
It has not been a very busy day yesterday. I am still up from Tuesday. I went to my workers causus health and safety meeting. I met new people and quickly forgot their names. I then chatted with our union's business agent. I then submitted my form to the math administrator and came home. I was able to relax a bit and then further relax by going to my wife's father's for dinner. I helped his wife use the Internet for software research and then we came home. My wife wanted to watch a terrifying movie so our plan to watch a movie together did not workout. I started to read and get ready for my first TV lecture tomorrow morning. I tuned in the Literature of the Canadas course and then did some of end of day stuff and am just now shutting down my computers. I emailed my new professor about who I am and what I am doing in his law course. I also emailed him about my schizophrenia and my disorganised writing and disordered reasoning in my writing.
I guess the step in the 12 steps where you apologise right away has worked again. I replied to the person I had offended and apologised and she accepted my apology right away.
I think I insulted someone in an email. I should have made my email with more care. I knew it was wrong when I sent it. This happens from time to time for me. The new benefits of email are good but ocassionally we make mistakes.
I met my new statistics supervisors. We budgetted my working hours. I have a meeting this morning. The meeting is a worker caucus of the joint health and safety committee at the university.
I have 14 books out right now from the school library. I also have about three books for my public law course. I have read about 5 lectures into the course now and am started on the sixth lecture. I have also been reading one course book on aboriginal rights in Canada. The third course book won't be covered until July.
I have been reading the feminist science studies reader fairly regularly and have finished the first part of that book. I have not been reading about XML, the math literature guide book, health and safety books, feminist law book, or anything about computer crime now for about two weeks.
I am reading about computers, operating systems, and the palm handheld computer. I also got cheap wireless data plan for my palm with the intention of being able to access my school email wirelessly.
I had a union meeting yesterday to plan our union branches' attendance at the Montreal Anarchist bookfair next Saturday. This was the first meeting we have really had in half a year. I have some catching up on union paper work to do now.
One of our members who was in charge of our literature sales has made an excel spreadsheet of our inventory and I got it onto my palm with the idea that we would have the palm at the bookfair next weekend to do our inventory on the fly. We are all fairly technologically advanced anarachists although the one fellow worker works at very advanced levels with excel.
I did not help with the newspapers this morning. I will do two hours of web mastering this morning. I also have to pick up my duties form at the mathematics and statistics school office then meet with my new supervisors this evening. They will assign hours then I wil submit the form tomorrow. Also tomorrow morning I have a workers causus meeting of our Joint Health and Safety Committee for the teaching assistant union and the university. So I will be going to campus later today and also tomorrow morning.
I offered to help with some of the newspapers this morning and completed delivering them just now. I bought milk and pop for the day and some apple juice. I just got caught in the elevator with the power out. I called the regular newspaper guy thinking he could get me out but he was also stuck in some other near by building. Then before our call was done the power came back on. It was off for less than a minute but now I am having to reset all our devices like cable TV and clocks and DVD players. It seems we are too electricity dependent in Canada.
I am sipping a flavoured hazelnut coffee as is my habit and now going to surf some local real estate web sites looking for a house to buy. Our disAbility benefits program allows us to buy one house if we live in it and my father has wanted to help me buy a house. I will just be looking right now.
There is a coop camping store I have a membership at that supports the Schizophrenia Society of Canada. We went to this store today and shopped for a pack for my wife. We looked at quite a few packs and then picked a low priced small pack for her. It has sufficent pockets but is a good one and my wife was happy with it and it has the right colour for her.
I then bought us some native cigarettes. I also got a SIM card for my palm tungsten W and a wireless account. It is not working yet. I am just on call for my volunteer duties in victims support right now.
It looks like I have been hired again as a teaching assistant at our school of mathemactics and statistics. I have been assigned to labs and tutorials in statistics again and contacted my new bosses today.
Well we got a game of Monopoly started but then the Steve Martin movie took our attention away. I also lost the ability to keep up the effort to keep the game going. I was banker and real estate agent. We ended the evening offering our explanations for depression and mental illness. Of the 6 people here we had four with admitted depression, three with admitted schizophrenia and one fellow who will not admit schizophrenia but says he won't refuse medication if prescribed.
I had an angry fit yesterday and then complained that the doorway was crowded with newspapers and other trash that needed to be recycled. I went out shopping and cooled down and when I got home everything was cleaned up. But my wife would not kiss me last night. Today things were better and I booked our train tickets for visiting our daughter later in June. I also called up both of our fathers to request some money for our tickets. So even with me being a productive professional worker and union activist and volunteer in various community development ventures we still need family support to live our lives.
I bought our house guest some medicine for her diahrea and also some basic first aid supplies that were on sale. I also bought coloured pencils to continue my anatomy colouring book. I also bought my wife a game of Monopoly she has wanted for a while.
No one needs to get angry though and I appologised.
My brother says everyone should have a comfortable weekend. Now that I am working I understand intellectually why we need to relax on weekends. Now as I write this the full emotional understanding of this is hitting home. I will really try to relax this weekend. I will be volunteering this weekend and helping with the newspapers as usual.
I did get paid for some web mastering for my union today so was able to buy some things for the house including more beer. I spent a little time on campus preparing for my summer course and also bought some course packs readings for other courses in other fields like medical issues in criminal law cases, a guide book for scholarly writing, and also a course pack on regression techniques using SAS.
I have not had a drink in four years. I am meeting more people with long sober times too.
We are being stressed by income worries. Our income is low right now and it didn't help that I shopped too much on ebay. My wife has missed her swimming for two weeks now. The first time she tried to get admitted and then I brought her home. We will see what happens later today. Our guest is running out of money for alcohol. This could be a crisis.
My best advice for a person with schizophrenia is to study medicine. But not as a job but as a way to learn to look after one's self. I did this sort of early on in my schizophrenia career. In my first hospitalisation in 1980, I was in a teaching hospital. I had grown up very near to this hospital, on the university campus, I was both raised at, studied at for one year and had worked at part-time for three years. I had of course wanted to go to the medical school when young and still solidly middle class. If the campus had had a law school or computer science program at the time my course choices would have been much different. I never did though complete medical courses.
But back to my story about that early hospitalisation. When I was allowed off ward privilges I wondered around the hospital corridors some days. The corridors were carpetted and had irregular tiled walls. The grey cement tiles were almost half a meter square and poked out in pyramids at points along the hall. The outside of the building consisted of grey concrete slabs with glass towers at numerous points. This was typical of the avant guard inspired architecture of the late 1960's in many Western countries. It was later considered oppressive and boring architecture. I though of this building as being like the Andromeda Strain movie set or the space ships in the Space 1999 TV show.
Anyways long story short there was a medical school library where I went and read early as a student; and now that I was ill but on the beginning of the long road to recovery I also read there. I still feel a strange ethereal essence when ever I read a medical journal or medical books although recently as I actually gain skills in first aid and first responder techniques I also have strange no longer ethereal feeling but instead a quick and bloddy mess essence comes from the titles of books about emergency medicine.
I wonder how many other fellow and sister consumers have learned medicine along their paths to recovery.
I replied tonight by sending in my resume after some advice from my brother.
I had a fair amount of volunteering to do today so am posting this a day later. It was good that our volunteering has picked up with real stuff to do now. Our team volunteered so much that our organisation had to buy us lunch. We did good work.
I noticed that schizophrenia dot com is look for some web workers so I made an inquiry on the week end about working here part-time. I got a reply asking me to send my resume. This is great news and might bring in some extra dollars this summer. I would also like to try my new journal serach techniques on medicine. Early on in my on-line experience I searched out medical information but have not done much of that lately.
I am heading off to help with VE day celebrations. I am getting paid for this work. I managed three hours paid work last night. I hope to work for 12.5 hours this week on the union web site.
I got some printouts into a new notebook to use for my public law course. I don't really need a notebook with this computer and the fact that the lectures are on TV. But tradition dies later. I also read more of the textbook for the course and am on the sixth lecture in the textbook. I need to go to the library this week and read some of the courses recommended extra readings for the second lecture and other future lectures.
I am waiting for my grades for my data mining course. I renewed school library books over the web. I have to give a union web mastering training session for union staff on Tuesday. I will find out if I have been hired again as a summer TA soon.
I checked out law, mathematics and statistics course offered next year. This is my usual habit of reading the school's calendar. I picked it up during my first psychosis at another school after my first year was done successfully. I have been an paid academic for about 4 years of my working life and a part time student for 13 years and a full time student for 2 years.
I did some web work tonight for about three hours. Thus leaving only two hours left in fiscal 2004's contract with this self help group for web work. I had put this off for a few weeks but finally got it done now. I still have to complete an contract proposal for this year.
In the web work I made two new pages. One page was the English page the other page the French. I also made documents available for download on four pages. I also had to create pdf's of the documents and test the downloads. I did needed to break one pdf into two pieces because we are limited on our download size to 256 KB because we use a free hosting service.
Our web site is here: The Eastern Regional Network, http://www.eastern-regional-network.org.
I got the other things I bought for the 760 Thinkpad yesterday in the mail. Both work fine. With the CD drive I was able to install the win98 drivers for the Linksys ethernet card and managed to get high speed internet to this pentium 1 laptop. With the second hard drive I was able to start both a Red Hat 9 Linux install and also a Debian Linux 3.0 install. But the Debian Linux kept crashing at the end of the base install. Also the Red Hat 9 needs more memory so I will have to wait for the 32Mb RAM to arrive and should probably afford another 32M RAM chip in the future.
The Schizophrenia Society of Canada has a discussion paper posted on thier web site with some discussion of a national policy direction for schizophrenia in Canada. I read the executive summary of this paper and saved a copy of the pdf.
I just spent some time reading the bios and looking at the photos of email friends from the schizoph email list. We have been discussing by email addictions this past day.
J and C came over and watched TV. C is very down since her father died. It made me realise I can not really help with depression. I am need to research this illness further. There are quite a few depressed women in my life these days. Yet it is also possible that our male oriented and money driven society cause a great deal of this depression stress. Just by measuring people on the basis of money is one strike into darkness.
I am volunteering for 52 hours this week. But only 4 hours of this are outside the home for sure. I have done those four hours and now 20 of the other hours so still have 28 hours to go. Since I am on call I am up over night but it is quiet so I can study and work on my computers.
Both the Thinkpad I bought used, and the Zip drive work. I bought them both on ebay. I got the Thinkpad connected to the net earlier this morning and am updating its Windows software. This old thinkpad was not connected to the net by the previous owner and the thought occured to me to keep this computer off the net but first I will update it. It might be possible to only use it on the net when installing software updates.
I have discovered some issues with installing Debian on it concerning the rescue boot disk and can not find a previously ftp available version of the rescue floppy for this model Thinkpad. There is another way of installing Debian from CD and the instructions on how to boot into the CD are available but I will have to wait for the CD drive to arrive. I will also wait for a second hard drive to install Debian on and wait for a 32MB RAM upgrade.
I did not work on this laptop project much yesterday. Mostly I worked on it this morning. Besides a short break for legal studies and one for reading today's newspaper I have been working on the computers for most of what is now almost a 20 hour day.
Yesterday I tried out the Iomega zip drive in my Thinkpad T30. It works fine. This means I have saved 200$ on the purchase of this IBM accessory. From there I copied files off a zip disk then tried to get my old back up 20GB IBM drive to work in my USB external enclosure. It worked a little but the Thinkpad T30 would not see the format on the hard drive. In my attempts to get this working I used the installed Virtual PC and installed Win98 on the virutal PC. This didn't work and I spent time updating this virtual install of Win98. I had yesterday morning tried to install Debian on the virutal PC but was unsure about partitioning so stopped myself.
I then put the DVD drive back in the T30 and explored old back up CD's. I had some success in importing email from old email stores from April 2001 to April 2002. I also copied lot of old work files to the newer T30. So back ups were proving effective. I also want to do this email process with my Mac so I can have all my email on two newer computers that I use regularly.
I always worry when my wife is drinking but today I am not too concerned. She is only going to have 6 beers today. She is an adult she must decide these things for herself. I am happy drinking diet pepsi.
The weather is nice here today. I slept in late and am volunteering on an over night shift tonight. So as usual my hours will go around the clock this weekend.
I volunteered for ten hours today and I will volunteer 28 more hours this week. Actually of this total 38 hours, ony 4 of them today were needed outside the home and I did a good job of those 4 hours today. I will only be on call for the other 34 hours but then we could get called out.
I did some web mastering work today only about 15 minutes worth. I will put in some time over night doing more of this.
Our rent got paid. Various bills got paid. We got our groceries. I paid off all my end of month ebay auctions. The government made a mistake with our cheque and they are looking into correcting that now. I waited until the month got going and I was calmed down before calling them for an explanation and correction today.
I had my usual game of role playing tonight. This game added a regular must attend event into my weekly schedule. It also allows my imagination to run wild in a safe environment. I got in late so will back date this entry.
I managed to carry a microwave oven home from the mall on Sunday after work. I paid about 150$ for a good microwave oven and installed it in our kitchen. I also made chicken when I got home then slept.
I was supposed to attend a disAbilities coalition meeting yesterday but did not attend. I took another day off. I instead read the boook The Girl Who Played Go on the bus and got my glasses adjusted at Sears. I took the bus around to various malls looking for a game of GO to buy but only found a cheap set at Chapters and did not buy it.
I am up early today to go to the local college to be assessed for French language skills. I might study some French at the college this spring summer. I fell asleep last night speaking French to myself in bed.
I wish to greet my fellow and sister workers with solidarity greetings for this May day 2005.
I submitted some paper copies of my final project to my professor's daughter. The professor was ill yesterday. I am not sure why or what she is sick with. This professor was supportive in the past with me getting my first degree.
Thus ends the winter term. In three days we register for the spring and summer terms when I will be studying Canadian public law. I also hope to working as a teaching assistant in the mathematics and statistics school again this coming term.
A computer book store on one of our main streets is closing and was selling 15 books for 5$. I had written this book store into a cyberpunk short story a few years back. I got a few "For Dummies" books and some O'Reilly books that were sort of older. I got a fair number of books on Mac OS X and other mac topics. I chatted with the fellow working in the store who I had known from some community groups.
Well I have managed again to wake up about four hours before I have to take the bus to work. I am just checking ebay auctions. I also checked my email. I will work nine hours today. In the afternoon I will come home and sleep at about 6 PM or 8 PM tonight and wake up eary Monday when I have a meeting of the disAbilities Coalition.