Stuart's Blog

hi there, the weekend has been a bit hectic, my sister came over with her children and she went out to a birthday party at a nightclub and left the three boys with us, they were really good though and had a dvd to watch so that and the playstation kept them busy , i stayed in the kitchen with steven having some vodka but not getting drunk, the next day when the kids had gone i went to the pub, i cant help it maybe i'm reverting back to when i was drunk all the time and puked everywhere all the time but i havent got that bad yet and hope i dont i'll just have to try and be careful if i can.my cpn came to see me today and i told her i had been to the pub and she never said i was being bad ,she thought it was good i was getting out and trying to socialize ,she was asking me what was hard about talking to someone and if i thought it was easy and i said it wasn't easy that i can't have a natural flowing expressive conversation and it was hard to connect to people because my feelings are blunted its like i am pretending to be normal all the time and it really wears you down, i find it hard to care about things now things you would normally cry over doesn't seem to affect me for some reason and it can give a bad impression maybe the drink is a form of escapism i dont know i just know if i dont take the tablets i begin to lose the plot and become another problem for my family to worry about so i'll keep taking and maybe i'll snap out of it ,i just wish i was that lucky.thats all from me,take care and have a nice day or a good sleep,all the best,stuart.