Stuart's Blog

hi all, cutting my tablets in half was not a good idea i felt ok for a couple of days but then everything went pearshaped and i had to increase my dose again, so now i am going to talk to my cpn or pych/doc about a med change and i hopefully wont get the anxiety and flat effect that i get with respiridone on abilify, i will probably need supervision for the change over so i will need to stay at my mums house and there is still a chance that i will need to go back in to hospital but i am going to try and avoid that.anyway wishing you all the best,
stuart.

hi everyone,hope you are well,i have been adjusting to a half dose of my tablets from 4mg to 2mg of respiridone in an attempt to reduce my anxiety and get some feeling back i had a hard night 2 days ago but it seems to have leveled out and i am not sure if i am any better i cannot tell but my girlfriend seems to think i am much better doing this as i am not doped up as much and i havent had any paranoia or delusions or anything but its early days yet so i just hope i'm not being foolish i know i have been depending on my tablets for atleast 4 years and havent changed the dose and i know i need them and will not stop taking them but i have been trying to control my anxiety for a while now and am now convinced they are contributing to it so if i am better on 2mg i will stay on them and if not i will change to abilify and thats my plan anyway.things are not as hectic now i dont need to visit the hospital anymore as my dad is out now and the animals dont need the vet anymore and i really hope he stays off the drink but i doubt it as his best friend is an alcoholic ,my mums exam is coming up shortly for her british sign language course second year so i hope she does well,its really hard for her as her sight isn't that good and i worry about her sometimes when she goes out but she's a survivor like my dad aswell and me.thats all,have a nice time,
stuart

hi everyone,i have had a tough time recently with taking my mum and the cat to the vet because my mum needs a guide and shes got all the paperwork for it and then i have been going to the hospital to visit dad who is doing well apart from an incident in the hospital involving a patient that was stealing from the wards and my dad stopped him and he punched my dad in the belly and headbutted a porter and punched a nurse and is getting done for assault but thats the problem here is anything can happen i have skeletons in the closet aswell which i will not talk about and its not good,any way i hope you are well,i have been looking up my mums eye condition online and found out some things like it might be hereditary and if i start to go blind i will know what it is but they are making bionic eyes now and hopfully my mum can get one so she'll be like the bionic woman because shes got a cochlear implant in her head that allows her to hear a bit already she was getting that done when i was sectioned and came up to the hospital to see me with a big bandage around her head but my dad came off the worst when i was sectioned because he had work then my mum and me to see all in the same day and was travelling alot he ended up packing in his job and has never gone back because of his health but he still misses being able to play with engines and driving too.I hope there is a happy ending for us all including you,all the best stuart.

hi there,i am still thinking about going to the stables and trying to do something but things just seem to transpire against me, i have been kept busy by my girlfriend going out to the shops and to a resaurant and swimming and she's been brilliant taking me about in the car and me and my mum to the hospital to see my dad she's doing really well just now, i remember when she never thought she could drive and sold her motor to her dad who is eighty and for the first 3 years we were together we were walking everywhere, now we are going for coffee and having drinks in resaurants and its all more cognitive therapy for us.anyway not much to report i am doing well just now apart from the negative symptoms, lack of motivation,blunt effect,among others but i try not to think about them as it doesn't help to do that,i'm not even sure that letting off steam helps but i do know if i read about other sufferers doing things it makes me want to do something so i have been looking online for something to do and signed up for free information like course work and video's about a range of different subjects including psychology and thats from the open university so i can learn more about things if i want i think its called open learn.
best wishes,stuart.

hi everybody,hope you are well,my dads in the hospital now and getting sorted it was a real nightmare to get him to go but at least he did eventually go,so i went to the hospital myself which was pretty scary but luckily my gran and aunt senga went aswell and they gave me a lift back and my gran gave me ten pounds aswell so that was good, i need to take my cat to the vet today at 2.30pm with my mother then i'm going to see my dad at 6.30pm and my gf is taking us in the motor which is good,so i am running around everywhere and i went to the pub aswell and had a few pints but its just now and again i go.i am trying real hard to keep on top of things and i realize that if something really bad happens it could send me over the edge but i dont want to think about that anyway i'm still taking my tablets 4mg a day of respiridone and they are really helping me stay calm and things to calm but if it wasn't for them i would not be able to function,i still get the negative things and it really gets to you but try and stay positive.best wishes,stuart.

hi, i phoned my aunt senga this morning and she came round but my dad tryed to escape but he went to the hospital with her at the risk of there friendship then after all that fuss my dad checked himself out and that pissed off alot of people,he's not well at all just now,so my mum told me to go round to snowy's (my dads drinking buddy) and tell him not to come home but of coarse he did and when i walked in the police were walking out which was not good,at the same time my mums sisters were coming in,so i had to go round to snowys with his meds and things again,now he has tryed to get back in three times and barged his way in while we were watching the grandkids or my nephews and they have been shouting and everything and its not very good and i'm left in the middle as a go between,i just hope she doesn't phone the police again,not that its her fault because my dad has been very horrible lately and we have been trying to get him to go to hospital but theres just no talking to him just now.so it has been a very eventful day to say the least everybody including the police has been round and i have had to deal with that as if things weren't bad enough already,i was really worried last night because my mum told me to phone an ambulance for him last night and i said no because he wouldn't get in it and she said i was useless and good for nothing.hope you are well,stuart.

hi all, my dads in a bad way again,he's not bringing up blood but he's finding it difficult to breath and function normally its horrendous because no matter what we say he will not go into hospital he just keeps saying i'm not giving up or not stopping and things like that,he promised he would go to the hospital with me tommorow but i think he's lying he just doesn't want me to phone his sister senga which i said i would.as for me i am still struggling on,i'm stable but i've got these negative symptoms that i try and hide which isn't easy,i think alot of people know what i'm talking about i'm still going out though and doing things, i got two more dragon books today and i've still got the tatoo on my arm until i wash it off with some thinners or something but it looks pretty good.thanks for listening,stuart.

hi there,hope you are well,i have finally built up the courage to post a bit more on the boards without worrying about things as much and being paranoid,things just happen sometimes and you dont know why good or bad,
anyway i am still not experiancing alot of emotions i think its a negative symptom of schiz called affective bluntening over here or flat effect but i have had it that long i have learned to try and just get on with things and not worry alot about things i have no control over like my brain without meds.my dad wants to go fishing with me where i took steven i just hope he is fit enough he has been up and down with his health and if he thinks he can do it who am i to say no,he really wants to go and i think i can help him and my gf can hopefully give us a lift down in the motor.i have been cutting down my meds to half but i think its a bad idea i have been more awake but my thought sometimes wanders and races thats when i need to take them but my gf told me to try it because i have been like a zombie alot ,so wishing you the best of health,stuart.

hi there,hope you are well, i have not been that keen to go out lately everything seems to much of an effort but my gf has managed to push me out the door we went to the shops today and then to the pub/restaurant we're still trying to push ourselves but its hard sometimes i think my gf is doing better than me just now although she has real problems socializing which is worse than me but she does alot more than me and wants to put her cbt things in her book. i might ask steven if he wants to go fishing again but he can fish the way he wants this time because i think he's to young for the fly fishing just now so i'll try and do that again.i seen my cpn on monday and she said if i felt up to it i could go to the stables and try and join the equestrian therapy and to pick up some application forms aswell thats if there still doing it,i heard my old p/doc was on telly and got a grant from the national lottery so i hope shes still there ,she had to retire because her hearing was getting worse and she was very nice,i have been supporting my gf because she was dreading an appointment that she had with a junior doctor,she said it was like an interrogation the last time but the good thing is she see's the prof again and he only see's a few people because he does alot of research into schizophrenia she see's him in 3 months

hi there, hope you are well, i went fishing with my nephew steven today and my girlfriend and me went to the shops this morning and got a hat for him then she drove to my sisters where we picked him up them went to the river,it was a good day but he was struggling because he hasnt done that sort of fishing before, he was saying it was his worst fishing trip and that his hands were cold even though he had gloves on,the weather was not bad there was a bit of wind but mostly calm and a bit of drizzle aswell, i hope he wants to go again somewhere although its hard to get to places when you cant drive and my girlf cant drive us everywhere because thats not fair on her so the next thing on my agenda is to get a drivers licence, i wish now that i had not gone over the edge because i was taking lessons and nearly ready for the test when things started to unfold and i got delusional so after the fishing my girlf gave steven a lift home then took me up to my mums,i was really worn out from doing all that and went for a lie down and took my tablets.so its been an eventful day for me and mt girlf the two of us have really done lots of social stuff and things and her cbt book has 2 pages full of things we done today and had to do.i see my cpn on monday and have got alot to tell her i hope i dont forget because i get poverty of thought and dont know what to say and cant explain things properly some days i dont even say anything and that really annoys my girlf but cant help it she has to push me to get me talking, anyway thats me ,thanks for reading,good bye and have a nice day or a good sleep.

hi everyone,stuart here,i have been getting ready for taking steven out fishing and i am all set ,me and the girlfriend went for a walk down the river 2 days ago and i found another place where i can fish so i am going to take my float rod and real aswell as my fly fishing gear and if he gets bored he can do a bit of float fishing aswell, i have phoned my sister and she seems happy enough for me to take care of him for a while so she must trust me enough even though i take antipychotics.i have been getting on with things even though i am not feeling at my best i dont let it get me down, i think judy was right when she said sometimes when you are phisically sick you can feel mentally better because when i had the cold/flu i felt better but it faded away as i became well again i just got it into my head that it was the anti biotics because i got them both at the same time and although i'm only taking them for my spots on my back i thought there could be an ingrediant in them that might be beneficial, i think i will bring it up with my cpn.

hope you are alright,stuart

hi everyone,hope your well,i have been feeling good the last few days and i hope it continues but it seems like its slowly fading away and i dont know why i feel so good ,it started the night after i started to take my antibiotics and it might be a breakthrough, anyway i have been going out to the pub the other day and that was good ,i go to my mum/dads house tommorow and my dad thought i had another episode but i told him not to worry and that i was fine ,i think i said the wrong thing to my gran but it should be alright. my girlfriend has been doing really well with her cbt cognitive behavioural therapy and she didnt even need her reminder with her today which is extraordinary, she allways has to write something on the back of her hand which she says when she doesn't feel good to make her more secure and she has got to do a certain amount of tasks a day which she writes down in her note book, so the two of us are doing really well and my mums still doing her sign language course at college but has an exam coming up and my dads not bad just now either.thats me for now hopefully things are good for you too and long may it continue.bye.

hi everybody,doing well i hope, today has been one of the best days since i got schiz i managed to have a natural conversation with my girlfriend this morning and we talked for ages and i wasn't worried about what i said because i was in a good frame of mind and my breathing was great although i think it is starting to fade away now hopefully i will be keeping these feelings and emotions for a while but i am not convinced.i have got a cold and i have just started a course of antibiotics for spots so mabye thats got something to do with it,on monday i took 2 antib's instead of one and was on a high so now i have got the dose right,anyway i have got a new avatar next to my name and its of pegasis the flying horse, i use to go horse riding and i love them i also came across a good poem about it which i will now quote.

he could not be captured
hecould not be bought
his running was rhythm
his standing was thought
with one eye on sorrow
and one eye on mirth
he galloped in heaven
and gambolled on earth

and only the poet
with wings on his brain
can mount him and ride him
without any rein
the stallion of heaven
the steed of the skies
the horse of the singer
who sings as he flies

i think this is one of the best poems i have heard for a while i hope you like it

stuart

hi everyone,i forgot to write about my visit to the gp yesterday i dont think i was with it very much but i went on monday and the doc told me my dizziness was probably pre-faint or the start of a really bad migraine it felt like i was about to faint anyway so she was sneezing and i got the cold/flu from her but its not her fault she couldn't help it.i was breathing well last night slow and steady,i was a bit scared though that i might stop breathing but didn't panic,i replied to a post and the girl said she could relate to what i said because i really dont think these things just happen, i think one thing leads to another and you end up somewhere you dont want to be and get stuck then you spend the rest of the time trying to get back to the beginning of when it all happened and hopefully you can stay that way,i'm hoping i can stop my anxiety and maybe it will be that i stop my schiz at the same time because i think there all related to each other in some way or an other.i am going to put my relaxation cd on tonight.i allways find it hard to reply to posts i dont know why maybe i just can't relate to them or i think that i'm not a member of there club or something anyway i get really paranoid about my posts so i am trying to take it really slowly and not to make me feel so bad about it also i cant think of any more poems its just a blank so thats not good and i dont want to make a fool of myself.
wishing you the best of health,stuart189

hi everyone,hope your all well,i have been at my mums house and we were sorting out the fishing gear because i'm taking my nephew down to the river with me in a couple of weeks,me and my dad have alot of gear that we didnt know we had because we got alot of stuff from my grandad sam when he died and my dad bought my nephew a rod and i'm getting the permits aswell ,i just hope that my sister trusts me enough to take care of him ,i think it should be alright though because shes been talking to me for a couple of years while i was stable and knows i can be trusted but i,ll ask her anyway.i was also doing some fingerspelling with my mum and shes doing really well,i think she needs more practice with her bsl for her exam and assesments, sorry i just got into trouble for not mentioning my girlfriend alison who has problems socializing and being around people she is the one that is actually driving us down there and back again and i am really grateful.all the best,stuart.

hi all,yesterday was a horrific day for me i went to the shops at 9.30am and while i was there my eye sight went al wierd and i was really dizzy and dissorientated, i thought i was going to collapse and had to sit down for five minutes then i got up and it happened again so i went outside and it went away, i didn't know what it was so i phoned my cpn but she wasn't there and she said she would phone back,by this time i was going spare thinking all sorts of things and i had a headache and thought it might be connected,when my cpn phoned she told me i wasn't the tablets that done it and to take them and then make an appointment to see my gp doctor so i see him on monday and maybe he'll know, i need to tell him about the lump at the back of my ear anyway thats came back after getting it cut away,i'm still stable though and haven't been drinking since monday so i'll see if i can last a week then maybe switch to non alcoholic drink if i can.all the best, stuart

hi there, the weekend has been a bit hectic, my sister came over with her children and she went out to a birthday party at a nightclub and left the three boys with us, they were really good though and had a dvd to watch so that and the playstation kept them busy , i stayed in the kitchen with steven having some vodka but not getting drunk, the next day when the kids had gone i went to the pub, i cant help it maybe i'm reverting back to when i was drunk all the time and puked everywhere all the time but i havent got that bad yet and hope i dont i'll just have to try and be careful if i can.my cpn came to see me today and i told her i had been to the pub and she never said i was being bad ,she thought it was good i was getting out and trying to socialize ,she was asking me what was hard about talking to someone and if i thought it was easy and i said it wasn't easy that i can't have a natural flowing expressive conversation and it was hard to connect to people because my feelings are blunted its like i am pretending to be normal all the time and it really wears you down, i find it hard to care about things now things you would normally cry over doesn't seem to affect me for some reason and it can give a bad impression maybe the drink is a form of escapism i dont know i just know if i dont take the tablets i begin to lose the plot and become another problem for my family to worry about so i'll keep taking and maybe i'll snap out of it ,i just wish i was that lucky.thats all from me,take care and have a nice day or a good sleep,all the best,stuart.

hi there people,this week i have been swimming and played badminton and i went to the pub today also, i have been thinking about going to another place thats not far from my mum/dads house its a bowling club and it has its own green aswell as a pool/snooker table so it sound quite good the only thing is i dont really know who goes there apart from the person who told me about it and i need to see him again to ask when he goes so we can meet up but apart from that i have been fine ,i still get paranoid about what to say in my posts and when i'm in chat, i don't know if you get that but i still try it ,i'm scared i might offend someone but i'm alright at writing in this blog i hope anyway my girlfriend wants me to ask my cpn if she could get her an application form for horse riding i dont know if i told you this before but my old p/doc ran a charity and got me involved from when i was in hospital and i was on the horse once a week for about 8 weeks and it was great and i want to do it again i only stopped because i thought this girl was scared of me or something but it was all in my head ,so if i can do that it will give me something to do and its just around the corner from where my girlfriend lives aswell so thats good.thanks for reading,stuart.

hi there, i was playing pool with a guy called john and he was brand new ,i had a couple of pints aswell, just to make it clear i dont go out looking to get drunk i know my limitations and i know i shouldn't be drinking on tablets but it has been tryed and tested and i know it doesn't cause me any ill effects just as long as i only have 1 or 2 and thats all, anyway i use to get really drunk on vodka but stopped it due to side effects and it was starting to effect my family and thats not good,i've been trying to get my dad to stop drinking but he doesn't listen, even the smallest amount like a can or something can have a bad effect on him because of his liver and abdomen and although he thinks he can handle it he only stops when he starts throwing up blood and bleeding and thats not good,so john is a mate of me and dad, my dad new a guy called rab who was a wrestler and its his nephew and we were trying to get his car on the road but he couldn't afford insurance so it was a bit of a waste of time but thats how we met.i have been thinking about going back to work in the garage but if its anything like the last time i wouldn't do it when it was with my dad it was alright we weren't rushed but when we were with archie you never got a break and were constantly on your feet which added to my already fragile mind,maybe i'm just deluding myself i have forgot most of it now anyway and haven't worked for about 6-7 yrs now and without drivers license it would be pointless.thanks for reading, stuart.

hi all, my dad is a bit better ,he is taking all his tablets and has stopped drinking so has not been throwing up or anything which is brilliant hopefully he is on the road to recovery his doctor told him he had 2-5 yrs until his liver gets better and i still dont know whats happening with the rest of his body but hes certainly cheerful although hes not been out for the past week or so, on the other hand i've been going out to the pub and having a couple of pints ,i still dont have any friends but i will still try my best to join in ,there is the odd people i know that drink there but 2 are schiz but worse than me ,i think there just there to make me look good one of them is infatuated with the bar lady and brings her things like chocolate and things the other is his brother and i cant understand a word they say but there still alright, theres 2 normal people and i dont understand them either ,theres 1 bipolar lady and another guy whos got severe anxiety but evey time i see himm he looks better and calmer i use to go to groups with him and he keeps me informed of things ,there is also some other people that i say hello to, but the pubs ussually quite quiet unless theres a football game on usually celtic but alot are rangers supporters like me but i dont brag about it , i just say i'm not into it you know i like the motor racing or something like that. i try to talk about things i see in the paper like yesterday when there was a bit about viagra and it made this guys eyesite turn blue because he took too much so i asked billy if he took viagra and we had a laugh about that,billy is the kind of guy who couldn't get a girl if he tryed he's got a limp and talks funny but he is still nice he helped me put a line on the horses but i should of asked him to pick them for me aswell because 1 was 200-1and the other 150-1 and they were right donkeys he- haw anyway thats enough about me, thanks for reading and goodbye,stuart.