September 3, 2007
Schizophrenia and violence...and other random thoughts.
Now, I'm not a violent individual, but if I don't get my meds, my paranoia would get to the point to where I would hurt someone or potentially kill them with no remorse. Why though? Why does have to be me that is capable of such mayhem? Me, the nerdy guy at my school, the guy who has never been in a fight? It's all shit. And that fucking BBQ is one day away. I'll be back at school in no time whatsoever. But why do that? Why go to an idiot school where I don't learn anything. My meds make me incapable to learn anyway. What kind of life is this? This is not how people were meant to live. Yes, Christians will tell me that schizophrenia is my cross to bear and that I can get over it. I'm not so sure. I feel like crap and look like crap. What can prayer do for someone condemned like me? Condemned by this gloomy diagnosis from which there is no return. Could this be madness, this? It's like hell on Earth. I'm pretty fucked anyway. Not only am I going to hell, but I am also experiencing hell on Earth. What a lucky guy I am. Catch 22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
My friend doesn't get me at all. He's supposedly cured of ADHD, but he has no clue as to the suffering or pain that schizophrenic illness can bring. It's like dreaming whilst awake except there's only nightmares. Hellish voices, delusional ideas, and a lack of motivation for everything.
Well, whatever. That's life huh?