April 30, 2005

Explanation of absence

I feel I owe an explanation, to all, of my long absence from this blog, so briefly, then: in September of last year I committed an act of self-injury, in response to command hallucinations, that was extremely serious (the nature of which I prefer to keep to myself though I will talk about it in private) and was hospitalized immediately. After surgery and three weeks in the bin I was released, only to be admitted in and out several more times over the winter. When the hospitalizations finally came to an end at the end of February, no one expected anything more than the same old, same old; I'd probably stop one of my many medications soon and decompensate and end up right back where I started.

But things were different this time. I was scared and I was sick of the hospital. Sick enough of it to swear I'd do anything to keep from ending up there again. So I made up a contract never to refuse medication, and signed it, and I gave it to the visiting nurses (rather than anyone coercing me) and told them that if I ever objected taking a pill of any sort they could pull out the paper and show me I wrote it and signed it.

It hasn't happened yet. I've taken every single gd pill prescribed for me, every single day...and look where I am, out of the hospital since February, doing fantastically well, and writing in my blog again. I guess they were right all along to say the medications would keep me well. I just always figured, once well, that I must not need them anymore. I still tend to think that way, but I pull myself up short and shout to myself: Get a grip, Lady! Why on earth do you think you're doing fine to begin with? Don't you DARE start tinkering, with anything!...And so I don't. I want to. But I don't, and I continue to stay well.

A lesson well learned, but a hard one to get through one's head. Don't you agree?

Posted by pamwagg at April 30, 2005 02:43 PM


a lesson well learnt indeed. nice to have u back. and i really agree with the things in ur recent blogs. keep writing. i missed u. love. puzli

Posted by: puzli at May 2, 2005 04:01 AM

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