September 19, 2005

On Jealousy and Fundamental Lovability

Most people assume the problem causing jealousy is coming from outside them: he’s doing this to me for some mostly bad reason, she’s trying to take him away from me; I wanted that prize and now she's won it and is lording it over me trying to hurt me; how come he can afford that new car and I can't?...and so forth.

But the feelings generated inside US are the problem...If we didn’t feel jealousy or fear of abandonment, if we trusted that a person truly loves us and that all would work itself out to the best end possible for all concerned, if we trusted that we were fundamentally lovable and loved ourselves in the same deal, none of it would happen.Your girl or your guy might still be interested in someone else, but it wouldn’t threaten your sense of self-worth or feeling that you are loved and jealousy wouldn’t be a problem, you could just be happy for them that they have found someone else to love along with loving you, since there’s no limit to the amount of love there is in the world or in a person...and likewise they would be happy for you if you found another...but if not, would never abandon you, because they still love you, they just love 2 people, and how wonderful that they love 2 people, let them love 10!

(Or that sort of thing! I know it sounds either impossible or too much California gag me with a spoon, but some of it works for me, or sounds right to me, even though I have never accomplished it yet...Mostly because I fear I cannot love at all. Can one love without wanting physical contact??? I really like a lot of people, male and female, but I am terribly afraid they will touch me in some way that demands response. I can give a casual hug, finally, and shake hands. And one friend who is trained as a massage therapist in CA has given me an abbreviated back massage...But I’m otherwise terribly afraid of contact with other people and if others demand it, I throw their friendships I’ve always felt I was unable to love...)

But also, if you felt truly lovable, would it matter who won a prize? You'd know the value of your work and the value of yourself and the latter wouldn't depend on the former. You'd be certain you were loved whether you won the prize or not, or whether you had a new car or not...It all comes down to trying to impress people for the sake of eliciting love from them, because none of us feel fundamentally lovable. If we did, so many bad feelings and the resultant bad behavior would drop away...

It all starts with one’s self esteem, and the ability to feel that one is lovable no matter what you do. I mean, no matter how bad a mistake you make, no matter how thoughtless you accidentally are, no matter how mean your thoughts and words might sometimes be, that you know, beyond a doubt, the YOU are lovable despite all of that. If only we knew that, all of us, maybe we’d feel less insecure in the world. I know I still obsess about being evil and taking up too much space in the world...And I feel incredibly hate-able, despite all that I’ve said above. I feel like any Force or Energy or Essence or Spirit or God that might have set us spinning is disgusted by me and will soon teach me a terrible lesson...revenge time, you know... I have all these unlovable-me feelings that under-run everything, and undermine all I do. But can you imagine if we didn’t?

Did any of you see the movie: WHAT THE BLEEP DO WE KNOW? If not, you absolutely Must. When you see those photos of water, plain water, vs water that has been prayed over, water that has been told, I love you, and water that has been told, You make me sick, I hate you! It will break your a good way. The man’s comment to Marlee Matlin then means everything. The movie is part documentary, part movie-movie, part weirdness animation, but I loved it and so far so has everyone I know who has seen it. It might give you some ideas to think about when jealousy and bad feelings and feelings of unlovabity hit you, too.

Posted by pamwagg at September 19, 2005 12:19 PM


Actually,I've never been sure of the fact that I'm feelin unlovable because of jealousy.But,it has always confused me wether it's me who's jealous or the other person,because of whom I'm feelin unlovable,ugly,worthless and many such dishearting feelings.But,I know one thing that,I've always wanted to love others and try my best to make my relation with them Good.So,I feel we should always fight the feeling of unlovability by making others feel lovable,every time ,that feeling hurts.

Posted by: sonu sharma at September 6, 2007 03:02 AM

Dear Pam,

I believe that jealousy comes from competitive feelings. I’m rarely competitive and therefore rarely feel jealousy towards anyone.

I must admit I’ve often felt unlovable with feelings such as ----I’m too fat ----I’m no longer pretty ----I’m not smart and witty ----- I can’t concentrate the way I should ---- my mind goes in too many directions ---- I’m middle aged and reaching oldness ---etc, etc.

Maybe when I'm 90 I'll finally feel lovable, sexy, pretty and smart, unfortunately no one else will.


Posted by: Moeder at September 21, 2005 07:50 AM

hey pam,
i would like to say that jealousy, hatred, anger, all stem from the fundamental desire to be. we are always trying to Be loved, BE cared for, but that desire to Be lets us down. its the force that makes us unhappy. i cannot show u the door towards eternal bliss, neither can anyone else, but it's only you who can make your life happier, better. and u can do that by understanding your desire, be it desire for material gains, personal well-being, or desire to be, to become. we are always projecting the image we want ourselves to be in the future. But it is only in the present that we can really be happy. that desire to become is forever our desire to become different, to be what we are not, and that undermines our own happiness, for we feel incomplete. it's like I would say - it's not the money that is evil, rather it is the love for money that is evil. take care. love always. puzli

Posted by: puzli at September 20, 2005 08:36 AM

Dear Pam,
I have never connected the feeling that I am unlovable with jealousy. To me they are quite unrelated. In fact, I truly am not a jealous person. Although I probably have experienced jealousy in my life, I have no recollection of it. Although, like you, I feel myself to be unloveable, I have never felt jealous of those who possess the qualities that draw others to them and cause others to feel love for them. I usually love them too. Why would one not rejoice that there were people in the world for the "unloveables" to love? Looks like our views on this issue are unique to our individual interpretations.
Love you(you are not
unloveable to me),
Your pal Perkless

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at September 20, 2005 01:10 AM

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