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Now I'm going to change my tune completely. When I said Xyrem was a miracle drug, I wass taking my doctor's opinion and my sister's and making them my own. But in actuality, my own, as I have stated elsewhere and still stand by, is somewhat different.
Let me explain a bit. Xyrem is indeed a wonder drug in terms of getting me a good night's deep sleep, which god knows I needed, after year's of gliding along in and out of the superficial layers of sleep, dreaming sleep and waking, such that even awake during the day, I was often literally in a dream, and could not always tell the two apart, even when not psychotic. So I sleep well, despite having to wake in the middle of the night to take the second dose.
And sleeping well may have spurred my courage to take bigger risks, like trying new things -- wearing red, hugging people who want hugs, looking at people etc. But these things, while I do them, are not easy for me. I still do not like them. I simply endure them because they are good for me, or liked by other people. I don't care about red, which is in fact growth, but I wear it mostly so that people will think I feel red in mood, cheerful, happy, sanguine etc
In point of fact, my mood is declining slowly and it's hard to tell anyone because they will worry too much that I'm decompensating. And I can't do what I want to do, becuse I don't have the energy or motivation or drive to do it. I don't even much "want to do it." So I don't take a walk because it takes too much to put on my sneakers and coat. I don't drive the car because to get downstairs and out the door takes too much effort and energy...I don't take a shower because the needles of water take too much fortitude to endure any longer, and I can't get up the whatever it takes to endure it for the sake of proving I will take a shower.
Being off Zyprexa my cholesterol has dropped from 274 to 174 and my wgt from 170lbs or more and going up, to a too thin 98lbs, which is good, but I've also dropped ALL my many magazine subscriptions because I no longer have the interest or motivation to read them, and I can't get into any article when I try. I gave away 400 of my precious books, and 100 videos because I figured I would never read them, having gone off Zyprexa and lost all the interest I used to have...
Zyprexa is a troublesome drug, causing obesity in many and predisposing just as many to deadly diabetes and hypercholesteremia as it did me. There should be a solution to these terribe side effects. It is also extremely sedating, which detracts from its value as a miracle drug, except that my doc, as a sleep specialist, is willing to treat the somnolence aggressively, so I never had to worry.
But as I wrote years ago, when I first was taking it and described it as a miracle drug, I would do so still. I recall with a thrill how it brought brilliant color into a drab psychotic world, how I developed interest in the world around me and could finally learn and participate in it. How I felt smart and quick and intellectually bright as a new penny and was fascinated by everything, and was happy and eager to start every day...until the weight gain began to oppress me.
I still enjoyed my mind, I just felt self-conscious and ugly in my body, which caused me great anguish and led to many terrible consequences when the voicees returned and demanded me to hurt myself...But I'd give my eyeteeth to take it again, and solve the side effect problem, just to feel life return again in all its vibrancy and zest...Talk about a problem of ambivalence! I love the drug, and I hate it at the very same time. But it was the best drug I was ever on, except for the side effects. And except for the side effects I'd take it again in a heartbeat. Lilly, do something!Posted by pamwagg at February 20, 2006 10:11 AM