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I don't know why I'm feeling this way, slightly trembly nervous and frightened, and worried about all sorts of things, feeling guilty in general, like I'm responsible for having done many terrible things. I can't quite define what is behind these feelings, that is what I'm frightened of or worried about -- some of it is that I walk funny, with my arms stuck out and not swinging and my hands flapping and I suspect people notice and think mean thoughts about me, though I do not hear them say anything .... I also don't know what I'm guilty of, except that I feel like I make mistakes and hurt or anger people all the time, every time I open my mouth or state an opinion or even try to help someone, I just put my foot in my mouth and make things bad or worse...But I don't know what it is I've said, what words were wrong, what message I said that I shouldn't have, so I don't know how to make it better. People seem angry with me all the time, except for Sal, Lynnie's love of loves.
I don't know what is going on. I am calm on the outside, and don't talk about it. I have even been shopping, have left my apartment and gone out once or twice (part of the problem I think, because I was exposed to people). But I feel anger everywhere, and assume I have caused it, and don't know how to fix things, though I try and try and only make things worse. I feel like I should shut up and leave everyone alone for a change...
Anyhow, I think because she understands this is going on from some of the things I've said or asked her, Dr O raised my Geodon back to 160mg and asked me to go back on Haldol. I refuse absolutely, absolutely. I will not. I hate that stuff! I finally don't feel deadened inside and dull. Though I still can't read and still have little motivation or get up and go...Getting off it didn't change that much, but that means getting back on it wouldn't change much, and I don't want to. There's such a thing as TOO MANY DAMNED MEDS! I want even fewer, I want to stop the Abilify now, since it ain't working, not start another drug. Most people take ONE antipsychotic. Why should I take three, even if two are at low doses? It's ridiculous...
I do trust Dr O, immensely. I just do not want to take this drug, Haldol, and refuse on principle and because I do not think it helps or is more helpful than harmful. If I could only take a little Zyprexa...But Dr O won't let me and I remain ambivalent about pushing the issue any further.
BTW Have any of you heard about the drug called Byetta (I believe that is the name). The NYTimes of Mar 3 reported that Lilly (!) had developed a drug for overweight people with diabetes that helped them lose significant amounts of weight, sometimes 70 lbs or more. It also lowers their blood glucose levels at the same time. Now people want to use it off label as a weight loss drug, and some do, if they can get it, tho off-label use is discouraged. Oddly enough, given the enormous potential of financial gain, Lilly says it has no plans to study it for that purpose. What I find rather suspect that they can develop a drug to help weight gain in diabetes, but not one to help prevent weight gain their own drug Zyprexa.
Lest any of you with Zyprexa or Seroquel-induced weight gain want to try this new drug, my sister worries that it might not be the best thing, until studied more for the off-label purpose. She would want to know more about why the antipyschotics alter glucose and lipid
metabolism and how that might be prevented, eliminating the weight gain and danger of diabetes in the first place. You see, Byetta might change the weight gain, yes, but you'd be thin and still have a deranged metabolism. This means that you'd still suffer silently from raised lipid levels, like very high cholesterol and triglyerides...If this were NOT the case, you could bet I'd be the first to beg for it and go back to the Zyprexa!
Meanwhile, I wait and wait for a drug that works as well, and worry and feel guilty and frightened, and WON'T give in and take Haldol...Anyone have other suggestions of drugs that might work but aren't so awful? Never mind. I've taken them all, and I don't want to take any more anyway!Posted by pamwagg at March 3, 2006 05:23 PM