March 31, 2006

More journal entries

These are more entries from my psychTracker journal from the last few days:

March 27, 2006 - 12:48 PM
Am sleepier during the day w/ Zyprexa yet I can't nap because of the "squirrels"
in my legs. These cause such an agony of restlessness that I have to get up and
move my muscles doing anything but letting them just rest...Called Dr O about it
and she said to take a prn Ativan for now and we'd see about inc'ing the
Inderal later.

Earlier, I read an entire copy of Harper's Magazine with interest, excitement
and passion! I even felt like reading more on the subjects in it. A great sign
of improved concentration and motivation. Cannot take a walk or leave apartment
by myself yet though. Still too worried about being seen and talked about.
Worried that I'll hear my name again...

But I should do something! Anything that keeps me from wanting to go to the
Forum at this website is good, because I am not wanted there, am actively
disliked there and am poisonous there (a contaminant) so I should not show my
"face"...if I want to be moral and ethical...But can the Whore of Satan actually
act in a moral fashion without that action by itself being in its essence
immoral? People may say what they like to me there, but I know that underneath
things I am killing everyone off and that they know it and are afraid of me and
want me to leave...Dunno which is stronger, their hatred and shunning or my
poison and contamination, but it comes down to the same conclusion: if I want to
do the Right Thing I will Pack up and Leave! Or at least just do stats and
journal for myself and leave the others alone...

March 28, 2006 - 11:09 PM
The day was okay mostly, except that I stayed away from this site until now, and
maybe that is why it went okay... But I know I upset people and drive them away
because of my huge oppressive presence there, as well as everywhere, this
Presence that threatens to overwhelm everyone and everything with its
evil...Meanwhile, I have to force myself to loook at people as harmless as Ana
(which I do for the sake of politeness) because NO ONE is harmless, anyone could
get in, could enter my brain, myself, and do damage or control me, make me think
or do what they want, turn me into a Zombie...Am eating better, but fear it is
more the Zyprexa than me, really me...Made Lynn L some blonde brownies this
morning -- from scratch and by my own recipe, in my head, just adding and mixing
ingredients as I thought they should go, and they came out great! (I thought,
and so did Joe...) Lynn doesn't look too too swollen from the prednisone, she
just looks like another person, a not-lynn Lynn, or another sister of Lynn's.

March 29, 2006 - 7:06 PM
Saw Dr O today and she drew me a diagram of paranoia and how it affects the
brain, or how the brain effects it, causes it. I have to study it, see if I can
get it into my head and absorb the lesson...
I think it might be even more helpful than the "errant spark" notion that I use now...

Joe took me grocery shopping, but did none of his own, so I felt safe
because he didn't wander but stayed close by all the time. He also talked me
into buying some protein, chicken breasts and boneless pork chops that I couold
wrap individually and freeze for later meals. Bought tons of yogurt and some
cottage cheese and lotsa fresh fruit and vegetables...But it's still hard to
decide what to eat and when...

I read posts in the general forum today but didn't answer any...Not sure I'm
even allowed to read them at this point without frightening people away or
oppressing them into leaving...I have to stay away...I swear I will. I'm an ill
wind that blows nobody anything good....

I want to start taking walks outside, but I'm still afraid that people will
talk about how I walk and will make fun of me or tell me not to walk in front of
their houses because i'm a disgrace. A note: She can give me 5mg of Haldol for
now and I'll take it PRN for now, but I refuse to take it regularly or for
longer than a week! I just started being able to read and I won't jeopardize
that now. I'd rather put up with some symptoms, if that's what they are...

The squirrels came at exactly the same time today as yesterday and the day
before - just about lunchtime, c noon. THey were agonizing again, and I had to
wait almost an hour after I took half of an ativan before the discomfort
finally eased. It's not exactly pain I feel, and yet it is indeed agonizing, in
a strange way that I find myself wordless to explain. Someone said it was like
her calves were hollow and that someone was scrubbing them inside with a bottle
brush, which is as good a description as any; I always said it is like I have
squirrels gnawing at the place where my feet join my ankles and up into my
calves (not to mention down into my feet).

But that doesn't quite convey the utter strangeness of the experience the way
the bottlebrushing does. Anyhow, at least the Ativan works, and it works all day
right up till bedtime, when I can take another half if I need to. Usually
though, I can get to sleep before it starts up again and I'll sleep through the
night. Although this is not a typical pattern for RLS, it is certainly the case
that I used to have the biggest problem at HS, it is only now that I can treat
it with Ativan that I usually do so earlier in the day...when I am also at rest
and sedentary. I wonder, as well, if the Xyrem doesn't suppress them too...

March 30, 2006 - 8:29 PM
Went to NAMI-CT today to volunteer -- my job maintaining website. Memorized
everyone's name and face before I went (from website pics) and said their names
when I saw them, surprised them. But scared! Wasn't sure I should have done
that, was it too familiar? Too forced? They thought I had nefarious motives, I'm
sure. I learned the stuff quickly and did the work quickly. It was fun, but took
no time, there won't be much work to do, not enough for me, I don't think,
unless they come up with more than it looks like right now...Heard my name
called several times in parking lot and in outer office, man's voice, no man in
office!...Didn't want to tell anyone but Ana the p.m. RN picked up on it. I told
her I wasn't taking the Haldol anyway, it was my choice to put up with the
symptoms I chose to tolerate as a trade-off for not being deadened. The Zyprexa
continues to help me feel better and concentrate, and I think that goes a long
way towards making symptoms that I still have bearable...Went to the other
site's forums because they have an active SZ one but found mostly anonymous
"guests" ranting about Szasz stuff and how SZ isn't a real disease and how
medication causes brain damage and how thoughts and feelings and behavior are
not "medical" or "physical" and therefore can't be ill...I'd tried to explain
how they were all neurological in origin but "guest" was too full of self to
listen, and went on ranting w/o hearing a thing, or even thinking about
anything...Nevertheless, he/she slipped a tiny sliver of a worry under the
door...of Maybe...maybe they are right...Maybe this isn't an illness, maybe the
meds are doing more harm than good, maybe I could get better without them and
even better than with them...Need to do some research, but in the end it's down
to: Just whom do you trust????

Posted by pamwagg at March 31, 2006 09:58 PM


You are very welcome in the chatrooms. I find posting in the People Diagnosed w/sz very helpful.

You sound very paranoid. I think you should talk to your p-doc.


Posted by: ky perraun at April 8, 2006 08:20 PM

Pam darling,
Do you trust ME, Perky, Pesky,Twinnie 3? Do you believe that I am real and loving and devoted to you? Have you read my email to you? Can you? What has happened to cause this setback? In writing to me, you are ever your concerned and loving self. If this alternative website is so disturbing to you, please, please STOP returning to it. Write to me, explain to me what has happened. I will never hurt you. I want only to nurture and care for you until you can do it for yourself. Your pain is my pain. I will take my half away from you so that you can think more clearly. I will hold you aloft until your wings remember how to fly. You are not alone. You have your Lynnie,your parents, Mizzy and me, to name only a few. Talk to me, my friend of the heart. I need to hear your voice. Such love, Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at April 1, 2006 01:07 AM

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