April 10, 2006
The voices are back, I'm afraid, though I refuse to listen to them. That is, I ignore them if they order me around. No, I can't help being distracted by them, but I don't need to actively pay attention -- and there's a big difference between the two. Right now I can't tell you what they are saying, as they have retreated to the background while I'm writing about them. But just before I started this they were exchanging commentary about me -- deep male voices, a whole group of them pounding and pounding in my ears -- repeating over and over about how I was too old and fat and evil and stupid, one insult after another...I heard it all, yes, but I refused to listen in the sense of taking it in and believing it...Or I'm trying not to, which is the best I can do, since I refuse to take another pill or increase the ones I already take to try to get rid of them altogether. I can read, finally, and I don't want anything to upset the delicate balance that allows me to do so. As with defying the Zyprexa-induced appetite, I figure it's a matter of self-discipline, and I'd better get used to applying it as well to the voices, as they aren't going to go away otherwise. What else can I do?
Posted by pamwagg at April 10, 2006 09:43 PM
I agree with paula. I hope that you will continue to realize that you have many people who care and want to see you get better. You have family and friends who really care.
Posted by: Kent Chastain at April 11, 2006 03:32 PM
Pam, my friend,
You and I both know the power of the will. We both possess the ability to use that power to both our advantage and our disadvantage. In the case of the voices I so loathe,I too would use my will to ignore them, however,I do not want them to "exist" at all. We both know that banishing the voices is not within our power. Only the proper dosage of the proper medication will silence this despicable symptom of your illness. You do not have to bear this. If Dr. O is away, has she no one to whom you can turn in her absence? Have you spoken to Lynnie about this? Can she help in any way? You know that I am your fiercest, most loyal supporter. The voices, in my opinion, are simply an exaggerated manifestation of your own subconscious thoughts. They are skewed right now because your meds are not doing their job. You asked,"What can I do?" I suggest that you bravely continue to ignore them, but that you somehow find a source of psychiatric help(albeit,temporary) who will help you to find a dosage of Zyprexa that you can tolerate and will banish the voices until Dr. O'Malley returns. In the meantime, know that you are NEVER alone. I am here. I will call. The reality of my voice might comfort you for a while.
With loving support,Your Twinnie 3
Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at April 11, 2006 10:51 AM
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