I now understand what I have to do. I caused Joe's illness, by my inherent evil, by the miasma, the aura of malevolence around me, but concretely too by getting him off lithium, which attentuates the effects of the neurotransmitter glutamate, an excess of which is thought to cause the motor neurons in ALS to die. In short, if he hadn't been taken off the lithium, maybe he would not have developed ALS! It could be that ALS was lurking there all along and the lithium protected him from developing symptoms, until I took it away by my saying he had no mood disorder...My evil was the actual cause of his illness, but it took the concrete form of this action. So because I have made him sick, and caused so much more evil in the world, I have come to understand that god has given me one last chance to atone, an actual way to be Forgiven: sacrifice my life for Joe, give over my life in service to him, all of it, all of my needs and desires and goals and wishes. Turn them all over to do only that.
Posted by pamwagg at May 9, 2007 03:16 PM
Now, Joe does not need that much help right now. Mostly phone calls and some help organizing and scheduling plus my attendance at some doctor's appointments, simply to get the information that he will not get. He doesn't understand medical terms or know what questions to ask and hasn't the nerve to ask them even if he did. Frankly, Karen doesn't either, though she is good at asserting herself when she does. So most of these doctor's appointments fall to me, though all three of us go to the neurologist this Friday. But when he does need more help, I must give it freely, willingly and cheerfully. I need to turn my spirit into a completely selfless giving soul, who has no needs or wants of her own. It is the ONLY way to atone and gain Forgiveness, which I so desperately need. The ONLY way out of hell.
Pamela! Elizabeth is very right, what you're experiencing now is not reality. Think about it, a part of you knows that you can not take care of Joe the way you would like, NOT because you are evil (you make me crazy when you say that!) but because you are human and you suffer from a serious mental illness. I know you love Joe and you don't want him to keep getting more ill, don't want him to die but his illness has NOTHING to do with you. Your illness is just telling you that you've got to make some changes, i.e. take care of yourself first either that or you are heading back into a deep psychosis and back into the hospital. The symptoms you're experiencing: feeling like you're evil and have to become a saint to atone and the mystery of the missing lemon curd, are classic symptoms of schizophrenia. You are one smart woman, infuse reasonable doubt into your psychosis and you can find a way out of the maze. I know you can do this. I care about you Pam. My eyes are tearing. You think you're evil and I think you're not only smart and talented but a good, kind, considerate person. You have to tell Joe that your schizophrenia is flaring up due to the stress. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It's the nature of the illness. Schizophrenia and stress do NOT go together. So, practically speaking, what can you do to start lessening the stress as opposed to increasing it? For one, you should see Dr. O as soon as you can. Good for you for sending her that letter. And keep posting! I'll be checking in each day. My love to you.
Posted by: Kate K. at May 10, 2007 01:36 AM
Please please consider that what you've written is not reality. You are not evil, and you have written in previous posts that you understand and accept that you are not evil. You are just going through a difficult, stressful time now which is distorting your thoughts. Pam, I am so afraid you're going to end up in hospital again if you don't create some boudaries. And, think about this...if you go in hospital, you can't help Joe at ALL.
Much love, Elizabeth
Posted by: Elizabeth Grace at May 9, 2007 04:05 PM