May 09, 2007

A Crazy-making Act Against Me

Dear Dr O,

In my phone message I told you there was nothing else I wanted to say, but there is. Something weird is going on. When I got home today, I looked in the fridge for something cold to drink and noticed my jar of lemon curd was sitting on the main shelf, not where I usually put it. I opened it on a whim, and lo and behold found it was pretty much gone, though the last time I had any — just a few days ago -- it was half full. I KNOW I did not eat it. I have nothing to put it on, and anyway I simply know I didn’t! Also, the soynut butter was clearly opened and some of that eaten as well, though I myself have not even tried it. Now tell me, how could this be????? I called Joe, asked him if he had eaten it, because it is the sort of thing that he CAN eat so he might have...But he said, no, the last time he had lemon curd and soynut butter was with me last December on biscuits. What the F--- is going on????? Who did it?! Did Karen?! I don’t dare ask her, but she and Joe both have keys (and need them, as I keep losing or misplacing mine) and could come in at any time. Plus, we all sleep with our doors unlocked so one or the other of us can get in in the event of an emergency...Makes me very nervous. I’m locking my door tonight, I don’t care what they do. If I die because no one could get in to save me, well, that’s how it goes. But obviously there has to be someone in there already to kill me, so he got in somehow and if he did, they can so there is nothing to worry about except rape, murder, and dismemberment, which would be my just desserts and I’d collapse if he came in, be unable to utter a syllable or even move to save myself, so what’s the use. So who stole, or who ate my food? I don’t care about the food per se. I can get more jam and soynut butter! But the idea that someone is coming in at night and eating out of my refrigerator, and scaring me like this is unbearable. Who would torment another person so??? Who would be so sadistic???? Who would do something so, so, well, so crazy-making????? Would M--- [a former friend, alcoholic and abusive] be doing it? She liked to eat lemon curd plain, out of the jar, as I do sometimes. Sometimes she would buy a jar just to eat, saying it was like lemon pie filling. I thought that was gross (it is made with butter, of which I cannot abide the thought of eating a spoonful). I might lick a spoon but no more than that. Could M---- be getting in late at night? But I didn’t even go to sleep until around 4 am last night...So unless someone ate it all during the daytime, when the door WAS locked, in which case it would have to be Joe or Karen or someone in the office downstairs or a maintenance person, somebody was in my apartment eating my food between 4am and 8am, and must have been watching my windows all night to see when I turned off the lights! But why would they do that and no more. Nothing else was stolen that I noticed, not my purse or computer or money or anything of value in plain sight. This is NUTS! Why would someone commit such a crazy-making, tormenting, nonsensical, but REAL and utterly confounding act?????

I am sorry to go on and on about it. The point is NOT the food so much as the torment the act engendered in me and how much it scared and confused me, no doubt deliberately. NO DOUBT DELIBERATELY.


Posted by pamwagg at May 9, 2007 08:25 PM


Pamela, I just finished Divided Minds on Monday. Suffice it to say, it is very good. My recommendation came from Hannah Spiro, who is in my A/V class at Northampton High School. Although I usuallly do not read that genre of literature, I am glad I did! Thank you for publishing all those difficult personal experiences; my understanding of schizophrenia is substantially better than it previously was.

I am also glad that Divided Minds introduced me to your poetry. I too am a poet (as of two years or so ago), but your work is much better than mine; I especially love the metaphysical sense you implant into your work, which rings so of theology the Queen of Sciences. Keep up the good work, and keep pulling in those awards!

I wish you the very best,
In the Immaculate Heart of Mary,

Leslie Higgins

[post script: say hi to Hannah for me if you see her after her graduation]

Posted by: crusader88, aka Leslie Higgins at May 10, 2007 04:10 PM

Pam, the remarkable thing about this event (the missing lemon curd, etc.) is not the event but the fear it engenders. You should let the doctor or your sister know what's happening, how much you're suffering. You don't have to go through this alone, without help. Please make that call.

Posted by: Debbie at May 10, 2007 02:42 PM

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