May 10, 2007

Exchanges plus later addendum

Dr O wrote at 12:30pm:

Pam, you should ask Karen who I think probably just helped herself to the food. It would be like her wouldn't it? Please try taking some Haldol, it may help.

Pam wrote at 6:20pm:

I did [ask Karen], and she didn't! She is a saint! [as I am Satan] Besides, someone got in between 4am and 8am, when she was asleep, and besides, Why would ANYONE do it? But I asked her! The thing is, NO ONE seems to think this is as mind-f--king as I do. Why eat all the lemon curd or someone’s soynut butter if not to drive them crazy? Joe says I ate it in my sleep, but I went to bed at 4am, and slept till 8am, and certainly didn’t wake up between times, and besides I would remember doing something like that! And it is NOT like me to eat those things! So now I’m totally scared and confused...Why would he laugh it off and say I did it, when it clearly was someone else?! No one seems to think it is serious or scary except the Lynn L, who has already forgotten I told her about it (her memory is gone). And she doesn’t seem to understand that it is a deliberate mind-f--k and manipulatively trying to drive me around the bend. I don’t see why or how an extra Haldol will make this go away. I will take one because you asked, and just to calm down about it. But I know I’ll be sorry after doing so...



That exchange took place today, in response to yesterday's blog/letter, which I emailed as well as posted here.
Dr O clearly does not see the importance or the bizarre malevolence of this act against me, the subversive cat and mouse torment and fear it is meant to engender. Joe suggested I set a trap in case "they" came back, but I don't want them to come back and don't intend on giving them the least opportunity. If anyone comes back it would have to be someone with a key, Joe or Karen or an office person or maintenance person! That would narrow it down pretty much. My old keys were stolen and the lock changed last week, so those keys are useless, except for my car keys which were on the ring, so if that thief knows which car is mine she or he could take it out and drive it, run down the gas, get it into an accident, and I'd never know...I think I know who it was anyhow, did I write this already? Last week or so, a woman who lives in this building came to take my old bookcases, since Lynnie had bought me some taller new ones, and she got to telling me her life story (in such a rapidfire way that I could not get a word in edgewise, until she asked if she could borrow my Tracy Chapman CDs, which naturally I gave her). In the process I learned that as a problem -- bigtime -- gambler, she felt she had a right to win the big one, to get the all-time big lottery prize just like so many others were lucky enough to, and was going to keep gambling in any way she could until she did. (I pointed out, during a lull, that that might be why in her elderly years, after 35 years of working for the government, she was in low-income housing instead of a condo of her own...).

Anyhow, later on, after she took the bookcases, she came back with a small case full of jewelry-making supplies, beads mostly, and mostly wooden, but lots of them. She said that one of her quick money making schemes had been to make jewelry, but she'd never had the patience to teach herself. Would I want to give her ten dollars for cigarettes for the lot, plus the case? Hmmm, I looked through it, probably more than ten dollars worth there, so I said, Yes, I'll give you ten dollars. But my money was in the hidden place in the living room where I stash extra cash, and I knew she'd see me take it from there. Nothing to do about it, though I tried to take it surreptitiously. Ten dollars in her pocket, she left. I left too, with the door unlocked, to go to Joe's or Karen's briefly with some message. Then came back upstairs in a minute or two to get ready to go out to lunch with them. But where were my keys? I couldn't find them! They were nowhere, not that I could see, though I always put them on the hook by the door when I walked in, knowing how easy it was for me to lose them. But they weren't there, or anywhere else I looked. This made me so nervous I called Karen and told her we'd have to get take-out and eat in my apartment as I didn't want to leave without knowing where my keys were. I was thinking that the gambling woman had taken them, but had no real basis upon which to accuse her, just a feeling and the fact that she had had the opportunity and the motive and the knowledge of where I kept my money...I moved the money to another hiding place first thing, and after an hour-long search for my keys, gave up and called the office to report the problem and beg them to change the lock ASAP. So that's why I think I know who took the keys. I think she wanted my money for cigarettes and spending money, having gambled all hers away (she was already hard up, needing to sell her beads for cigarette money near the end of the month) and having mooched from me as it was. (I have a carton of cigarettes on the shelf, for nostalgia's sake I suppose. I do not smoke them, but they come in handy for those who do.) Anyhow I suspect that she saw my keys on the hook as she left, and simply impulsively grabbed them, probably has done things like it before...OR I will eventually find the keys in my apartment once it is actually picked up and clean. Then I will know for certain I am evil, accusing someone innocent of being a thief on NO grounds other than my imagination.

I'd accuse her of eating my lemon curd too, but I don't know that she is smart enough to want to torment me mentally. I think she is not that subtle, would go only for the saleable stuff, the computer, the money, that sort of thing. But who else?! Who could be so malevolent? A thief isn't malevolent, only bad or wrong or criminal. Malevolence is something darker and more complex, closer to what I am, evil! No wonder they come to me, evil is attracted to evil. But in my case, I'm terrified of the mind-f--k involved, the tease, the pleas, the cheese in the trap! If I make one wrong step, I'll be caught and killed...Someone could be in the apartment already as it is!

Oh, god, I'd better go take that Haldol and calm down before I proceed further. I'll post this, then maybe write more later.


Here is the second reply I wrote to the same email from Dr O:

Pam wrote at 10:45pm:

Please give Karen a chance...You only know her through me and I honestly don't know how objective I can be. What I'm trying my best to tell you is -- I'm not entirely sure what I've been saying about her all along isn't/wasn't more or less, well, paranoid? She may be out to get a good meal from Joe, but she does a huge amount for him, really asking for nothing back, like taking him to the ER (cancelling her own appts at the last minute) and staying there 7-10 hours without complaint several times). Like driving him to the Clinic every two months, without complaint and without asking for anything more than meals at that famous seafood restaurant. I'm the evil one, not her! I make him ill, then I refuse to learn to drive on the highway because I don't want to have to leave like that at the drop of a hat or go out of my way and have to be "on" for 10 hours in a strange ER! The thing is, I am expected to do so, and to be able to do so! It is my turn next time! What do I do? What do I do?! I have trouble finding enough to talk to Joe about for an hour when I have to hold the conversation up, in the ER how would I even stay awake 10 hours, let alone deal with the situation or wait with Joe or do it at all, the noise, the uproar, the police, the questions and no place to sleep and waiting with Joe and having to talk with him to pass the time and nothing to say and getting sleepier and sleepier and scared and more scared...NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT I CAN'T DO IT! Obviously, no one does, even now, though I have told them over and over how little stamina I have! Karen is MUCH better than I at dealing with these situations! SHe is a master at getting Joe what he needs, knowing how to throw her weight around when things aren't happening when they should be happening. Joe knows it and I know it. He also knows I killed him and I know it... What will become of us????!! Now he has a polyp in his bladder -- causing blood in his urine -- that we're told has a chance of being cancerous. JOE DOES NOT KNOW THIS. The doctor told only Karen, as he didn't want to worry Joe unnecessarily. Christ! Do I ever STOP???!!!! I dunno what to do. How do I keep from doing more harm????


Thank you, folks, for allowing me to write my thoughts "out loud" here and for not running away but sticking with me. I only hope my miasma does not work remotely or at a distance...The thing is, no one knows, except for Dr O, that these things are happening. I mean, I talk about the lemon curd all the time, but no one seems to understand how important it is to me, and so they keep changing the subject as if it is simply a passing whim that needs only glancing attention. Neither Karen nor Joe know the rest of how I feel or what is going on, and I don't tell them. Even Cy and Lynn see only the surface and I put on a good show so they have no clue. They don't need to know. It would only...I dunno. They don't need it right now. I don't want them to know, I don't want to burden anyone or otherwise upset Joe, who is overwhelmed with changes himself...I have to swallow everything! I have no choice, but I'm eaten up with guilt and fear, not knowing how to NOT do harm to people, how to stop making people sicken and die! I know what I know, but I also know I cannot tell anyone, for fear of harming them in the very telling! It's an untenable situation.

Ana, the night nurse, came just as I was getting up to take the extra Haldol, so I simply took the afternoon dose instead. Now I will go take the third dose, the extra one as I promised, and go to bed. I need to somehow get up at 4am and take the second dose of Xyrem, which I have been skipping. I set my alarm, but for some reason, I wake, turn it off, swear at whoever left it on, then turn over and go back to sleep, forgetting there was a reason for it: to take the second dose! Tonight I'm going to try putting the alarm and dose far away from my bed so I have to actually get up, wake up enough to think and see the dose and take it before I tumble back into bed again.

Enough for now. Have to try to eat something.

Posted by pamwagg at May 10, 2007 06:15 PM


MY Pammy,
I so dearly appreciate and humbly applaud the knowledgeable and well written comments that you have faithfully received from your heaven sent cadre of loyal readers. They care so much about your welfare, and they cannot help but love you, just as I did when we began our incredible volume of correspondence over six years ago. I must say what I am feeling now and can only hope that your fervent Kate et al will realize that my goal is not to diminish their importance in your life,but we have been amies de la coeur for so many years, I must speak to you from all that we have lived through in a past that they could not possibly know. If I sound as if am not compassionate about your present, heart rending dilemma, it is because I have lived and loved through so many similar times that I must speak to you firmly and convince you (which I know is probably not possible)that your thinking is erroneous,regardless of how stong that old "primary feeling" may be.
Pamela Marget Spiro Wagner, how dare you have the audacity to consider yourself the deadliest source of evil in this world. Do you truly believe that you can lord your evil over Hitler,Manson,Bin Landan,Judas,and the fictional Nurse Ratchet? You are aware of the historical facts that cannot be denied. You could not possibly have been responsible for Kennedy's death. You were a child. You were not in Dallas at the time of the murder, and you DO NOT have the ability to control the mind of ANYONE,thus negating your guilt by asserting your that you did not have to be present to do the dirty deed. Over and over you have told me in so many diverse ways that you are Satan, that your very being oozes over everyone and everything, rendering them helpless in the face of your odious power to kill, maim,control the politics of the world etc.,etc. You have told me that you did not even believe that I existed at all. I was simply a creation of you, the creator of the Matrix. I could say much more, but enough is enough. STOP ALL OF THIS FANTASY NOW, PAM. I know you are beginning to deteriorate, and if you don't get a grip, it'll be another glorious stay in the bin, your favorite place to be. You have risen above the heartbreaking pain and humiliation to which you have been subjected time after time after time. I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF. IS THAT CLEAR? YOU ARE PURE AND ABOVE REPROACH AND YOU HAVE GIVEN OF YOURSELF SO INNOCENTLY TO PEOPLE WHO CRUELLY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE EVIL? IT IS THEY WHO HURT YOU TO WHOM THAT ADJECTIVE MUST BE APPLIED.
I am willing to lose you again as I did so many years ago, if my words will shock you into remembering that you CAN and MUST triumph over the feelings that I know are so real to you, but you have already proven that your MIND is superior to your emotions. Let me end with words from the inestimable Tracey Chapman.
"Remember the Tinman who finally found what he thought he lacked. Remember the Tinman, go find your heart and take it back."
Please reach deep within yourself and find the strength we both know you have. Do it for yourself, Pammy. I am real, I am here, and I am begging you not to leave me or all the others who love you. I bleed, I bleed, and I can plead no further.
With everlasting love, Twinnie 3

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at May 12, 2007 05:50 PM

Dear Pam,

Please know that we care about you. I hope you feel protected with us and are able to just read our words and consider them.

At this point, it doesn't matter what exactly happened to the lemon curd, who did what or who didn't. What's more important is your response to it, and if you are still at the point where you can choose your response, I want you to let it go because it would benefit you to let it go and not keep the upsetment in your body and brain.

Pam, I care deeply about you, and about everyone living with schizophrenia, so much so that when I retire at 55, I'm getting a job as a peer advocate or job coach.

It could benefit you to rest and relax. I feel things have become triggering for you. You have done too much for too many people without getting much of anything in return.

I feel you could use the support of a therapist to set some goals for yourself and plan simple objectives for the day, week or year. One good plan is always to try to stay out of the hospital.

We care about you. I care about everyone haunted by this disease. I feel you need to see a therapist. I would like to see you write a response to our comments and let us know that you will at least consider them. Certain times of the year could be triggering for you and I hope you will at least consider our suggestions.


Posted by: Christina at May 11, 2007 03:43 PM

Dear Pam,

Thanks for posting today. Please keep posting each day. Okay, stick to the basics: take the meds (including the Haldol), it's VERY important that you get plenty of sleep, try to keep eating, don't isolate, tell Joe and Karen that you are relapsing due to stress and that you need their support, make an emergency visit to Dr O., keep writing, keep making jewelry. I hope you've had your lock changed and please do keep your door locked Pam. As best you can, try to feel safe--listen to relaxing music, watch an upbeat movie. This may sound silly but make a gratitude list when you feel most oppressed or frightened--food, shelter, clothes, Eemie, your writing, your jewelry, a hot cup of tea anything and everything you can think of. If you practice this it will help to change the balance from negative to positive. I know you're unhappy right now but this is temporary. Believe it. And attack the problem of fear and guilt with positive behaviors and thoughts and attitudes. Don't give into a negative world view. It's an illusion no matter how real it feels.

I will email you tomorrow. But remember, keep posting!

Posted by: Kate K. at May 11, 2007 01:29 AM

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