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Actually, not sleepless so much as sleeping on a crazy irregular schedule and working on a life-size papier-maché sculpture. Day before yesterday I slept from 4pm-8pm then worked on Decorated Betsy from 9-3am then slept till 7am. Yesterday I was so exhausted by 3pm that I feel asleep at 3:30pm. I was awakened with difficulty at 6:30 by the nurse who wanted me to take meds, but I fell back to sleep immediately and slept till 12:30am, without even a dose of Xyrem.
Yesterday some weird things happened. I was standing at Joe's bed, actually his chair as he was sitting up for the first time, while the RT did some suctioning, and I saw, or "saw" some pictures fall from my envelope of photos of Decorated Betsy that I'd brought to show him. I stepped back, looking for what had fallen, and said to Joe, "Did something fall? I saw something fall." He looked puzzled, and shook his head. No nothing fell. "But I saw it, I saw some paper, some photos fall." No, nothing. And indeed, nothing was there on the floor, though I looked under the chair and bed. It was strange, but I didn't give it too much thought, just figured I was "seeing things." Not in any but the colloquial sense of optical illusions etc.
Then Josephine came up to get me, and we were driving home when a huge splash of water came up across the car and I startled and screamed. Jo said, "Don't do that! You scared me." I looked at her. "But that was a big splash. We just drove through a huge puddle of water that splashed up at us!" She looked over at me. "No, we hit a hole, no water." "There was no splash? No huge splash of water?" "No--"
A couple of other incidents like this have happened recently, though I only now tie them together. I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm NOT hearing things, not that I know of. Except of course for the little people, who are always around, esp when I'm working on Decorated Betsy. I do keep the radio on all the time, too, to keep any other sounds drowned out, but I do not think that there are any "voices" in any event.
I feel kind of "squirrely," that is to say, nervous, trembly, super-alert and on edge. I dunno exactly how to describe it because I can also get very sleepy at the same time (due to narcolepsy). On the other hand, my mood is fine, not down at all, not particularly up, not more than usual at any rate. I don't feel euphoric or manicky, just -- I dunno, tight, wired, I can't seem to find the right word for it.
I wrote a poem I can't share here because I entered it in the something or other contest (can't remember the exact title ) in NYC where the winning poem(s) from five winners are placed, or excerpts thereof, on buses and subways. I don't expect it will win, of course, since there will be so many entrants, and many much more well known and better than I, but one can hope, of course. I would put it up here but the contest rules said it could not be published even on the internet, and while putting it up on a blog might not be considered "publishing," I don't want to take a chance. Once the contest is over, in April, I will put it up here. In any event, I will eventually use it at the front of my second book of poems, which I am already working on.
Sorry this is so "diaristic" and without any socially redeeming features. I really hate blogging when all I do is relate my own problems and emotional ups and downs, and that is why this is going to be so short today. Because I can't stand reading it myself!
TTFNPosted by pamwagg at February 2, 2008 02:58 AM | TrackBack