State of Mind: February 2004 Archives

February 22, 2004

Meds and Support

It isn't just about recognizing the problem, it's about accepting it too. There are a number of reasons why schizophrenics don't stay med compliant. It includes the feeling -

1. That they are all right and don't need the medication anymore
2. Feel that people are forcing them to take the medicines to poison them.
3. Simply forgetting to take the medicines because the short term memory of schizophrenics is weak.

But one of the most difficult and unique situations for a schizophrenic against helping himself get better is the feeling that they are losing their genius because of the meds. The newer generation have been inspired by the genius of John Nash as depicted in his biographical movie 'A Beautiful Mind'. And I know a person who hasn't been diagnosed, but shows all the paranoid and delusional symptoms of a schizophrenic to avoid going to the doctor (his family seems not to understand his problem) even when he recognizes his delusions, and fears that taking the meds would take his genius away. It would make him lose the powers that have been bestowed upon him by this state of mind. He will be the ruler of the world through his genius, and no one can stop him. His parents do not acknowledge his illness, and only he himself recognizes his condition and can help himself.

What he doesn't recognize is that the worst that will happen is that he'll kill himself due to his suicidal tendencies. And the best that can happen is that he'll go to a doctor and talk himself out to get himself on meds.

The way to deal with such people, and with schizophrenics in general, is that one should never try to oppose their thoughts, try to tell them that they are wrong. Let them believe what they believe, as long as they believe, since you can only make them stop trusting you. You should give them little pieces of information to think about, things that they themselves acknowledge (you should hear them first before trying to say anything) and then try to support their viewpoint but give it a slight questionable degree that doesn't seem confrontational either.

Commitment is always an option, but the right people, family, need to understand and acknowledge this dreaded and widely misunderstood illness themselves.

In the end, all you can do is to have tried your best and be happy, for if the person kills himself, and you start crying, the state of mind undergoes a chain reaction interacting with people around, and you might just end up letting another person die when you could have saved him. In the end, all are happy, and if they are not, then it is not the end. Believe. Fight!

Posted by puzli at 12:20 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

February 14, 2004


I just read an interesting entry by stand, and it reminded me of my own time when I did pot. I was paranoid then and was planning to kill myself by taking two E's. But I found this guy who used to be in my school and he gave me some high quality weed. We sat and smoked together. He was a regular, and he couldn't smoke more than a single joint of this stuff. He gave me two. After that I was walking down the road with trucks passing me, and all I could hear was the sound of birds singing. I never believed in god as the creator of all, but I felt in this higher plane, the ultimate truth, the knowledge that no one knew, I could feel as if I was one with it, enveloped by it, by blinding white light that I could see, trying to search for the birds who were singing, nowhere, and yet they were all I could hear, no trucks, no traffic, just beautiful bird songs...another moment with God.

Posted by puzli at 09:41 AM | Comments (1)

February 11, 2004

Separate, Segregate, Destroy (the mentally ill)!!

I've recently answered to a post about a lady asking whether she should marry a man with a schizophrenic parent but who doesn't have schizophrenia himself because she fears that it may occur in him later. There have also been posts saying that people usually advise others to stay away from the mentally ill as they try to take you down in their own hell. Now I ask you, would you remain distant from your loved one and start hating them if he/she gets mentally ill?

It's like cancer, or aids, or arthritis, or a trauma victim, almost all of them disabled for life, all of them in need of support and constant care, all of them in need of medical help, all of them in need of counselling and in need of a system to reintegrate them back into this society in the best way possible. And you try to get away from them, separate them from yourself, separate them from this world into their own world!...It's like trying to destroy what you don't like, what you hate. You say you love them, but are not sure whether you should be with them! Is that love? Love is pure, eternal, unscathed by all presupposed notions, love does not instill the fear of self destruction, it is the fear that is there in the minds, is it not? It's the fear that stops you from loving, fearful is what you are, not in love, not loving...

And in some it turns to hate! It's like destroy what is not like us, destroy the people who think different, who act different...and there evolves a personal taliban, destruction of those who try to bring about change, destruction of those whom you cannot understand...but as the it goes on to say..."The Tao is hidden and without name. The Tao alone nourishes and brings everything to fulfillment."
Hatred can never stay on forever, fear has to give way to love sooner or later..."After a time of decay comes the turning point." The decay will be there, only after that does the turning point come...

Posted by puzli at 05:45 AM | Comments (2)

February 04, 2004


I had almost forgotten this song. It was the first song that had started communicating with me. The first song that was telling me the truth, guiding me towards the path when all the voices had started in my head. It's Zombie by the Cranberries...

Another head hangs lowly
Child is slowly taken
And if islands cause the silence
Who are we mistaking
But you see it's not me
It's not my family
In your head in your head
They are fighting

With their tanks and their bombs
and their bombs and their guns
In your head in your head they are crying...........

In your head...
In your head...
Zombie zombie zombie ei ei
What's in your head...
In your head...
Zombie, zombie, zombie ei, ei, ei ,,do,do,do,do,do,do,do

Another mother's breaking heart is taking over ... the violence causes silence
we must be mistaken
its the same old thing since 1916
in your head in your head
their still fighting
With their tanks and their bombs
and their bombs and their guns
In your head in your head they are dying...........

And slowly over the years, songs took over. There was anxiety, extreme anxiety. I had so much acidity for years not knowing why my tommy was paining. Even when I got to know, antacids hardly helped me, coz the tension was there all the time. My digestive system had been in a near shutdown all these years, resulting in constipation throughout. The anxiety slowly reaches the high where it gets difficult to breath, every breath you take increases the pain in your stomach, increases the feeling of anxiety up to the chest, every moment its difficult to breath, and then all you can do is lie down and think about breathing, trying to breathe, forgetting what it feels like to breathe, sleep deprivation and fatigue combined with it resulting in compounded fatigue, a chain reaction occurs, you can't sleep and it increases the anxiety, the breathing stops, you try to breathe, and all you can do is concentrate on breathing, trying to fight all the voices at the same time telling you to stop breathing and yet trying to concentrate on breathing, which further ups the anxiety, until a time comes when when you stop breathing, fatigued, a soul worn off over and over again, you faint, and sleep follows...that's how its been for me all these years, fainting off to sleep everyday, getting that little sleep for an hour or so until the nightmares wake me up again, palpitating, sweating, scared, confused, breathing fast and shallow, trying to suck in air that doesn't seem to exist...

But this has given me a lesson. This has shown me what sleep is, how important it is, what it feels like not to sleep for days together literally. I realized that the breath can control the mind, it can make emotions erupt into phantasmagorical proportions, all of it stops and you die, how long do you wait, how long can you wait...this also showed me the way to kill myself painlessly, strangulation, it numbs the mind, numbs the body, there is no sense of touch, there is no sense of pain, all you do is lie down and breath slowly, and slowly, and more slowly...

This has also shown me the way to get back up, to fight my own fears, fear itself can be cast away from my mind, all you have to do is breathe. And Art of Living has helped me do just that. It has shown me how to breathe, it has shown me what breathing feels like, how it can overcome the anxiety, how I can break the cycle, the chain reaction, how I can gain control even when they are fighting inside my head, after all, its all in the mind, and all that can be controlled by the breath. I have just started breathing, I have just started living, again...the fight, it has just begun!

Posted by puzli at 02:19 PM | Comments (11)

February 02, 2004


It's more of delusions for me now. That is how it starts again. Suddenly I start feeling as if the time has come, the final hours, the battle of the end is nearing its start, they are watching, they are preparing, getting ready for the final outcome...It starts suddenly, a thump in the chest, butterflies growing in the stomach and flying till the chest, no retreat, no more...the only way is through...

I try to relax, try to calm down, try to make the anxiety go away, try to let go, let go of all the thoughts, because that's the only way, the only way that I can free my mind, of all the anger, all the hatred, all the voices...It didn't start this time, I went off to sleep as I always try to do, but it had begun a year ago when I couldn't take the butterflies anymore in my chest, overpowering, overflowing, growing from small beauties to monster demons, and then there's a whack in the stomach, a sudden stinging sensation, acid starts pouring out inside, it burns, my stomach I grip, try to breathe, try to relax, I feel it growing numb, my digestive system shutting down, preparing me for fight or flight, preparing me for the ultimate match, fly I cannot, I cannot run, I cannot hide, they will know, they will find out, find me...the only thing I can do is fight, fight the demons again, the only way is through, conquer myself, conquer my fears, conquer what isn't there, that is what the fight is about now, till I go to my pdoc and he increases my meds again...

Posted by puzli at 08:22 AM | Comments (2)