State of Mind: March 2004 Archives

March 29, 2004


Another thing I realized because of my friend was the difference in the way normal people mistrust others and the saying that we cannot trust people easily. The difference is that while normal people cannot trust others to do some work, we cannot trust people because they could be the one who are trying to destroy the world. It's like we are spies unrecognized by our own people and anyone around us could be the mole. You can only make out with the actions and reactions whether they are the one or not, whether they are part of the system you are trying to destroy or not. That's the fear we always live in, the trust we have for people is the trust with our lives, because as the guy goes on to say in rambo "when in doubt, kill", though its not intended literally.

Posted by puzli at 02:33 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack


Recently, I have realized that I suddenly get an insight into a dream I had the night before, and then I realize that it was not a dream, it was actually what I did the day before. I'm not able to differentiate between the dream and the reality besides not being able to recollect what I did the day before.

It's the same way with nightmares. When we have them, it's different from the nightmares normal people have. After a certain level of fear, they realize that it is a dream and they try to fight to wake up from that dream, but in our case we never realize that it is a dream, the fear goes on increasing, until we wake up confused what reality we are in. It's like Iron Maiden sings "...afraid to fall asleep and dream the dream again....the dream is true..."

Posted by puzli at 02:24 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

March 11, 2004

Forgotten Soldiers

It's like this world you have created. Grown with everything around you, everything in your mind, everything that you have heard, all those voices, all those songs, all those thoughts, and suddenly you are hit with the reality of schizophrenia. You know that all you thought, all you knew, all those truths only you knew, all those songs you listened to and have grown with, all those movies you have seen and acted upon the clues, have nothing to do in the reality. It's like this song by linkin park that i'm listening right now - Runaway -

"... I wanna run away, and never say goodbye, I wanna know the truth, instead of wondering why, I wanna know the answers, no more lies, I wanna shut the door and open up my mind..."

The disillusionment engulfs your emptiness, the loneliness, no more friends, no one more to talk to, no one whom you trusted, no one you can trust, 'cause the truth is no more the same, the reality is no more the same, it's like you are suddenly pulled out of the matrix, and you don't know where you are, no one has explained you what has happened. All you can do is try to get rid of those past voices that haunt you, all the don't want to hear any of those songs, don't want to watch any of the stuff on TV (they no more contain the truth), you don't want to do anything, for the whole purpose that you were fighting for has disappeared, it's as if soldiers find out that they will never be needed ever, they have nothing else they can do in life, no one will take them, no one who knows the horrors they have faced in the battle, and know one who will understand, no more war, no more fight, no more purpose, in life, all that you lived for is no more, and there is nothing more that you can live for, and yet to try to find a way, try to find the purpose, a renewed sense of confidence, a faltering hope that still goes on strong, the faith that no one can execute, cause you knew the truth, you will find it out again, no matter what it takes, you will smile again, you fight with that faith, ...

Posted by puzli at 02:10 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

March 02, 2004

Nature Walks

Withdrawal is one of the prodomal (appearing before a relapse) symptoms of schizophrenia. It is one of the symptoms that acutely effects the patient. The patient may try to start interacting, to start going out of the house, but it is not easy to overcome. For example, the other day I went for a walk alone and I realized how difficult it was earlier for me. The whole purpose of the walk is to feel good, enjoy the nature, but the whole purpose is defeated when you are delusional and having hallucinations. I used to keep on glancing at other people hearing what was going in their minds, they were against me, abusing me, plotting against me, trying to fight me off my thoughts. The whole time you try to look at the trees around, the dogs walking, the people walking, but the whole time you keep on hearing, knowing the things that others can't hear, the walk not only becomes difficult to enjoy, rather, it becomes a nightmare...

Posted by puzli at 02:49 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack


I read another post on the web board about this person who was having violent thoughts and one of the replies to it that caught my view was that don't do anything violent as it would give schizophrenics a bad name.

I'll have to ask the question to all those who consider violent people to be schizophrenic, "How many schizophrenics do you know?" Just one or two because they were violent. One or two out of more than 225 million schizophrenics in the world! And "How many violent people do you know who are not schizophrenic, how many terrorists, murderers?" Quite a few right? Well then isn't it in human nature to be violent? Then how can you say that we are violent because of schizophrenia?

Schizophrenics are subdued and withdrawn into their own world. They never even try to or are able to converse with people, let alone try to harm them. The violence creeps in only when the natural instinct of facing danger, harm to oneself is there. Schizophrenics would never try to harm people unless they feel that the people are trying to harm them. Leave them alone in their own world and see how deep they dig into their hole, never to leave it.

Posted by puzli at 02:35 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack