State of Mind: April 2004 Archives

April 28, 2004


I've dealt with the voices, the piercing hidden eyes watching you, the fear of moving else they would know, the catatonia, and I wonder why I need to live like this. Why? Why is it that we live this life? Get up only to never know what is going to happen next, what forces will bring you down this time, how strong they will hit you, and how low you will go, never able to get up...Isn't it better to just end this all when you are in the right state of mind. Not too paranoid, aware of your senses, aware of the thoughts, aware that you are not depressed, just not willing to live like this anymore.......No one has answered me. I'm still waiting as to why I need to live like this.

Posted by puzli at 03:08 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

April 24, 2004

hallucination and drugs

one of the differences between hallucinations with drugs and hallucinations of schizophrenia is the same as the difference between nightmares of normal people and schizophrenics. you know that the hallucinations with drugs are actually hallucinations and not real, whereas with schizophrenia the hallucinations are part of the normal thought process, hence it cannot be differentiated into the real or unreal...

Posted by puzli at 04:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 20, 2004

Over stimulation

One of the most scary things about interacting with people is the fear of over stimulation, because it is the one thing that could start another relapse without giving a chance to know it before hand. Though it is difficult to avoid over stimulation, it is not impossible.

The best way to know whether you are getting over stimulated in an environment is to break out from the activity if possible, and go some place peaceful and quiet, stay there for a while say 10 minutes, and observe your breath, your thoughts, your emotions to see whether you are getting tense, or feeling slightly uncomfortable. You could then decide to go back to the activity or stay where you are until the environment back there calms down a bit. Even though it is not always possible to find a quiet place, going away from a stimulating place even if to a busy place is one of the most effective ways to prevent a relapse because the mind is then diverted from the continous activity that would have required much concentration in the earlier environment.

Also, to avoid over stimulation, you should go talk slowly, in short sentences, regardless of how the other person is carrying out the conversation. It will then be easier to judge your own sense of being and help you cope up with the immediate situation. It seems to help me out. And I go to the point of going mute if I do not feel well no matter what the other person starts thinking. It is best to escape from the environment. Choosing between fight or flight, it is better to fly away then try to fight back without the weapon of a normal person. Carpe diem baby ;)

Posted by puzli at 06:26 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

April 15, 2004

Insight related depression

It is distressing, to say the least, to find oneself recovering from schizophrenia after just being put on a medication that works. The insight opening new views of another reality are not only mind numbing, rather they strike you with the force of waking up from a nightmare. Only, you are too mute to respond, too numb to respond. The feeling of helplessness in this world where your brain screwed it all up and the fact that you are still bound to it and it could happen again not only makes you realize the gravity of the failure that your life has been, and all of it as soon as you were going to make your mark, going to change the world, going to win the war.

You try to find instances from the ruins of your life, instances that give hope, that give a feeling of having accomplished something, something worthwhile, something that you have contributed in society, to society. Rummaging through your past, trying to justifying your present, in order to live for the future. It is no wonder that insight induced depression and suicide is one of the most surprising facts of this disease. Not only does a chance of recovery bring hope for the carer, rather it instills the fear that recovery may lead to the realization that there is nothing worth in life that you can do, nothing that interests you, nothing that you can accomplish without anyone bringing you down again. And these are normal people who bring you down, who don't let you function, because they are the ones with over expressed emotions, with zilch understanding of how to deal with us, they are the ones afraid to speak out the truth, to accept the truth, actively, participating in it towards fulfillment.

The only way to make sure that we do not end our lives on the path to recovery is to make sure that we gradually start accomplishing little things, no matter what they are, for we have lost interest in all, start rekindling a new flame, trying to define a purpose in life, something to do that can give you a sense of being, some strength. It is with this understanding and help that we can come out of insight related depression, that we can gain a new interest in life, that life serves itself a purpose if only for existence. In the end, the purpose gives us hope, and that is enough to keep us going.

Posted by puzli at 08:57 AM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

April 06, 2004


It started with an intensifying of smell. It made me more sick along with the stomach infection. All perfumes, foods smell magnified 1000x. And at night the feeling of betrayal started once again. In the morning the delusions gained help from the hallucinations. Employing tactics to run away, where to? whom to trust? how to go? what if they know? what if they ring my parents? they will bring me back...If....then...what to do? where do I get my original marlboro's from? south ex. is the only place I know. 5 would do. but then if i go and stay there i would need more. i dont have money. i'll have to withdraw it from the bank. whole 10 grand?? how long will i stay there? but what if she goes against me? what if ...I need to get out, get out of there. pack my bag and leave. but then the guards could try to stop me. where do I go?........

Posted by puzli at 11:35 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack