State of Mind: May 2004 Archives

May 27, 2004


Smoking cigarettes with all the hallucinations is quite understandable. It helps. But the will to lose the habit or cut down on the amount should be there as cigarettes themselves are pretty harmful. So once you have the will to cut down on the intake, fearing that the hallucinations might go up, just cut down, 1 cigarette at a time, like we lead our lives one day at a time. If the hallucinations start occuring, just try and think about the next thing that you want to do, the next thing that you plan to do, planning is crucial for us to survive, an orderly environment is necessary. So when the hallucinations start, let the fear be there, let the anxiety be there, try to think about the next step. I believe that we should all try to tolerate a little bit of fear in us, because it does us good by cutting down on the cigarettes. Just keep doing what you normally do, with the little haziness inside the mind, the fog, let it be there for some time. Take it down 1 cigarette at a time.You might not be able to concentrate but keep doing things even if it means cleaning up the place from top to bottom. Exercise to help combat any depression during withdrawal and help in improving the health deterioration that happens due to ciggies because it releases endorphins that give the feel good effect. All that you need is the will to do it. As an afterthought but all the more essential is that you should ask yourself "Do I really need this ciggie? Can't I survive without it?" before taking every cigarette. And keep drinking lots of water to get out that mucus and keep a low fat diet to help with the withdrawal symptoms by keeping your blood sugar levels normal to avoid more craving, and take lots of vitamin B, C, E, and betacarotene for stabilizing brain functions.

Posted by puzli at 02:22 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack


Its no more seeing events occuring and not knowing whether they were real or dreams. I am seeing accidents happening while travelling. Steel bars piercing my throat, sitting on the back seat, front seat collapsing onto me. But my mother told me what my grandfather used to say "This too shall pass away". So it doesn't deter my faith, and I know I have to be strong, coz this too shall pass away...

Posted by puzli at 02:18 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 20, 2004


Some days you feel just like its a normal day, when suddenly things start happening your way. A flurry of activity starts happening. You start getting things you wanted to happen your way. Everything for the good. And then it gets out of control. Your own control. This over-stimulation leads to too much excitement that you are not able to function properly and keep on pacing the floor in excitement. There's nothing that could have stopped the excitement from happening, but you can stop it once it starts happening. Listen to some relaxing, soothing music, chant some mantram's, do some meditation. Best of all, go to sleep. Sleep calms down the mind and makes the over-stimulation go away. By the time you get up, you would be calmer and able to think clearly and more constructively. So go and get your piece/peace of sleep. ;) love ya all

Posted by puzli at 06:48 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 15, 2004

Not me talking

Today was one of those days when an emergency came up and I was thinking deeply about something while my dad was asking me questions. I was replying to him accurately. It was like my brain was overclocking to process all the stimuli simultaneously. It was not me speaking to my dad as I saw it. I was completely thinking about my problem, and my mouth was replying to my dad. It just didn't seem like me being the one doing the talking.

Now there are two different ways in which "It was not me talking" can be interpreted.In the case of a normal person, the person was involved in something else and blurted out something randomly by mistake. But in the case of a schizophrenic, the voices are constantly belittling you and shouting out things against others, and when a schizophrenic says that "It wasn't me talking" it means that it was the voices that were doing the talking for him or her. The difference here is that the schizophrenic is acutely aware of himself saying what he or she is saying whereas in the case of a normal person, it is always due to unawareness of the present moment that the person says something mistakenly. But both cases have a common string too. In both cases the person speaks out what is going on in their mind. It's just the awareness of the schizophrenic that distinguishes him from the normals. Another moment of spiritual truth! Another moment where I can paraphrase one of the psychiatrists saying that "whereas spiritual leaders float in their world, schizophrenics drown in theirs". Spiritual leaders too are constantly trying to achieve the state of pure constant total awareness at all moments. And this is where we schizophrenics drown....

Posted by puzli at 12:38 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 14, 2004


"There can be nothing more gruesome than being enslaved by your own thoughts" - Puzli

Posted by puzli at 01:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 13, 2004

The SZ brain

Schizophrenics use 30% of their brain as opposed to 10% used by the normal people. This is a known fact. This accounts for all the thoughts, perceptions, hallucinations, delusions....Sometimes these thoughts overwhelm us, they keep on repeating, keep on coming, and it taxes the brain, the system gets overloaded just like a computer system. Their is not enough memory to save the inputs (internal in our case) and process them. The system has to stop functioning, the system will hang up and eventually crash. And this results in catatonia. That is the reason why I believe we go catatonic most of the times when we are aware of our own illness and trying to control the symptoms. The brain should know how much external input it can take so that it doesn't start generating a sequence of its own internal inputs in order to stop functioning. That's what I try to do. I try not to think too much. If the thoughts come, I repeat a mantram, the thought immediately vanishes and I stop repeating the mantram so as it doesn't become the recurring thought that overloads the system. This is why I mentioned earlier that I'm afraid to think. Dealing with most schizophrenics expectations is difficult just because they try to do too much with too much external input than they can handle, than their memory can handle. That is the reason they also fail in their tasks and become depressed. The only way out of this viscious circle is to get a balance between the amount of input you can take, taking only that much input, and then going off to sleep if not ending up in a catatonic state. In case you need to function for long hours, this is where my cigarettes come in handy. They help in controlling the symptoms by helping me get the thoughts-in-order-and-non-repeating. This is how cigarettes help in controlling the symptoms of schizophrenia to some extent. I advise that they should be taken only when extremely necessary to function as they otherwise cause more harm than cure. Also, they help by controlling the stress or anxiety that might aggravate the symptoms of schizophrenia. So keep smiling and keep functioning. And let go, let go of all the expectations, of all those thoughts, they will come, slowly you will do what you want to do, slowly you will be able to function, and slowly the destiny will present itself.

Posted by puzli at 11:20 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 08, 2004

my destiny

I've done my deeds. I've made the change that I could have brought about in the world. Then why don't i have the liberty to leave it all behind. to leave it to its own fate. to leave it to what it wants to become, the ever embracing yin and yang will continue. "....after a time of decay comes the turning point". which decay. my decay? whose turning point? mine? broken is the promise, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal, follow the god that failed.....

the seeker doesn't seek the destiny, the destiny seeks the seeker, and as soon as the seeker starts seeking for the destiny, the destiny starts seeking for the seeker. its like buddhism, buddhism is not like science or maths. once you start seeking buddhism, it starts seeking you. i'm seeking my destiny, i'm seeking my way, i'm finding my path, i've chosen my .........destiny seeks me, and i shall come to it. it will come to fulfillment. sooner or later, it will come to fulfillment. follow the god that failed.....

Posted by puzli at 03:46 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

the unforgiven

deprived of all his thoughts,
the young man struggles on and on, he's known...
a vow unto his own, that never from this day,
his will they'll take away... [metallica - unforgiven]

...and even if they take away the will, what good is life. what good is it to live without your own will to do what you want to do , what you want to be. until you realize that the will is your own, the worst case scenario is that they won't let you do what you want to do and you try to find a way to end the misery. again, the only way to end out of total control is to fight back, die fighting or kill yourself.

he tries to please them all,
this bitter man he is,
throughout his life this man,
hes battled constantly,
this fight he cannot win,
a tired man they see no longer cares,
the old man then prepares to die regretfully
that old man here is me...... [metallica - unforgiven] my friend says "die with your boots on", die in the battlefield. that is what i'm doing. trying to fight the demons, the demons inside my head, the regular seeing of things and not knowing whether they are real or not whether they were dreams or not, not remembering what you did the other day, was it a dream or real. this lack of motivation, to fight no longer is what i am into now. this fight i cannot win, a tired man u will see no longer cares....

what i've felt
what i've known
never shine through what i've shown [never shined through what i 've shone]
never free, never me
won't see what might have been...
what i've felt,
what i've known,
never shine through in what i've shone,
so i dub thee unforgiven.... [ metallica - unforgiven]

i'm never free, never me, always under the control of the voices, the visions, the thoughts that speak aloud to me, won't see what might have been and i don't even want to know coz it would be a waste of time, though i know what i wanted to be that i'm and now i'm not,.........but i'm sorry, i don't dub thee unforgiven....u will always remain in my heart, you have all been special to me, special in my life, special , yes, special....

Posted by puzli at 03:35 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

I'm afraid to think

i'm afraid to think...

Posted by puzli at 03:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Finding a way...

What I've felt
what i've known
never shine through what i've shown (never shined through what I've shone)
never free, never me... [ metallica - unforgiven II ]

that is where it all began, a fight for my own sense of self, my sense of identity. being the one that they would never let me be. they were imposing themselves on me so that i couldn't become the one that i wanted to be.

but now i'm me. now i'm the me i wanted to be. now i've become, overcome the obstacles, now i've realized that no one can stop me from becoming what i want to be,....except the voices, they still hang around at places, nooks and corners, places unknown, places unseen, they come out of nowhere and they prevent me from being what i want to be. i abuse people i love, people who care for me, people who help me out, people who love me, and the voices tell me to do that, the voices tell me to challenge my own friends, a test to see if they are my enemies. can they stand the test, are they strong enough to face the challenge i beckon upon with my forces of thought and power. there lies the whole dilemma of me being not me, not again, not again can i face this, not again do I want to go through this, not again will i live like this....

there are possibilities, there are ways to end this all. the meds don't work 100%. they can control the symptoms but they can't control the inherent nature. dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, the split personality i'm not, but the mind, it is split into pieces, split into what no one can see, what no one can feel, touch , hear , think....there can be forgiveness, forgiveness from teh ones i abuse, forgiveness from the ones i shout at, forgiveness for my acts, acts that i cannot control, acts that have to be done if the world is to go on, it is necessary to ward off those evil forces that try to control the world. there lies the dilemma of accepting the forgiveness and living with it, or accepting the unforgiveness and living with the hatred, the broken trust, the broken relationships, pride no longer there, it is not even necessary, rather harmful, but the memory remains, and the life sustains by itself in a morbid fashion, a zombie as I roam the world, no understanding, no friends, no future, .....its not true, but thats the way i feel, thats the truth i know, thats the choice that gives the outcome. interaction imposes self evocative acts of meaningful justice, and justice for all i see not, so i live with the hope that some day i'll be rid of this constant fear that burns me up, burns my brain, fries it into boiling nitrogen, the other options remains, the other course to be taken is to kill myself, and free my self from the pain that others cannot see, to die in order to live, to be what i want to be, by not being, to cut off, to break off that chain of forbidden trust, that unknown response, that unknown outcome, for life is a game and i understand the rules well, its just that i'm sick of playing the game over and over again,.....

Posted by puzli at 02:59 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 06, 2004


This time, it's like a reality I cannot define. I wake up and I don't know what happened yesterday was real or not. The dreams I had in the night were real. The dreams have become real and the reality has become like a dream. With the increased meds, the silence has come back and it brings back with it the feeling you have the first time when the meds hit you, the feeling described exactly by Metallica's "one" --- here goes---


I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me
I'm waking up I can not see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God,wake me

Back in the womb its much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I'll live
Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God,wake me

Now the world is gone I'm just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, help me

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

Posted by puzli at 12:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 05, 2004

Contemplating life

Another relapse going on and I'm finding a reason to live. I asked my friends, and one of them answered " you will find it nowhere in any library, nowhere on the net. if you find out let me know." I've been trying to find out my own missions that I needed to accomplish earlier by listening to metallica. But things have changed. I realize now that those are not the same missions, the words they sing are not the same meaning, the songs have lost their mysticism, yet I listen and listen, till they bother me more than the voices.

And then I listen to "The God that failed" by Metallica, singing "I see faith in your eyes, never you hear the discouraging lies, I hear faith in your cries...follow the god that failed", and then "bleeding me" - " I'm diggin my way, yes i'm diggin my way to something, i'm diggin my way to something better, i'm pushing to stay, yes i'm pushing to stay for something, i'm pushing to stay for something better......" and it gave me strength, immense strength, to live on, to push it once more, to take it once more and go through it once more and live through it once more and live with it once more.....phew! and i pray to the god that failed! for even the god had failed within me, i'm my own god, and i was reduced to ashes, and I pray to him to find my own strength, once again....

I have this quote printed in front of me now from the Bhagavat Gita, the sacred text of the Hindus "Lift up the self by the Self/ and don't let the self droop down/ for the self is the self's only friend/ and the self is the self's only foe."

So be it.

Posted by puzli at 12:35 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

May 01, 2004

Momentary Bliss

Momentary Bliss

The normals live their life
in utter ignorance
they try to enjoy
without thinking of death
the fear of death
they fight all along
that is if they can think it all along

the mortal man has fear ingrained
fear of death foremost sustained
that life has given a gift to them
but what happens when the gift ends

the few wise try to convince
that planning ahead and living is sane
they see a future where order is sustained
death then becomes just a game

the sick see life in a new dimension
fighting through the day with their demons creation
but the schizophrenic is the most enlightened of all
for death becomes the most fearless of all
death sustained by life it is
they live each moment in eternal bliss
for the next thought that the mind may produce
could serve the catalyst to the ashes reduced
and so my friend we live to fight
life right through with all our might
we live in peace every moment
tormented souls engraved in heaven
as metallica sings
its the thing that should not be...

Puzli 0122 hrs.

Posted by puzli at 09:16 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack