State of Mind: August 2004 Archives

August 28, 2004


I had lost my faith, faith in myself, faith in God, the supreme reality, the ultimate truth. I had lost it all...The voices were back and they were telling me to kill myself. I was paranoid. But now i'm back. I was selfish, the my friends made me realize that. Selfish because I was thinking only about myself, and not about them, with whom I am interconnected in this universe. The God of small things, thats who I am, thats who all of us are. The One holds the entirety, and the entirety holds the One in it. The small are part of the same whole. We are all tied up to everyone, the stones, the animals, the plants, the sun, the whole universe. I had lost my faith...

It is one of the only practices common amongst schizophrenics. Faith. Religion. Spirituality. Schizophrenics are amongst the strongest people on this earth. Living with a cleaved consciousness, we battle our own Self, something people don't even know how to do. And so we turn to faith, we turn to the practices that have been laid down years ago, and we know the Truth, we know how it feels like, we've all been there. My friend who has been into spirituality since the past decade couldn't relate to it better than me. We have the collective consciousness working 24/7. The world would be a better place if everyone got a taste of schizophrenia...and knew about it. I've been told to stop coming to this site and stop interacting with other fellow schizophrenics from a lot of my loved ones, for they believe it is detrimental to my health. But I go against their wishes. I know who I 'Am'. I know the spiritual truth that others don't even have a glimpse of. There are two places where one can go when playing around...where they concentrate on the lack of, and hence the "lack of" increases. The other way is the way of the enlightened. S/he shows love, while being dispassionate. S/he knows how to be the observer, and yet play around. The thoughts are viewed and acted upon, but never does the One flow with them. I try never to let the people around me, the actions around me, the thoughts in me take over me ( the practice of the one on the path), for our purpose to help the others on their path to enlightenment, we stray away from and become in need of it (the truth) ourselves.

The one who needs it doesn't use it, and the one who has it doesn't need it. Life plays under the realm of the yin and yang...

Posted by puzli at 11:13 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

August 18, 2004

...a thin line

the support groups section is not working...and i'm hanging from a single spider thread...its getting windy....pray for me

Posted by puzli at 04:43 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

August 12, 2004

Early Hallucinations

I just realized that my first hallucinations occured when I was 11 years old, 3 years before my hallucinations started in full swing. I used to keep on hearing songs that I loved to listen, and to drive those songs out of my mind, I kept on listening to different songs over and over again. It was a constant battle with my ear infections, hearing songs, and trying to fight them away. Coincindentally, my grades also dropped during that year and I had almost failed. My teachers also kept on saying that I'm acting so stressed as if the world rests on my shoulders. That year onwards, I still had the residual type symptoms of psychosis where I couldn't concentrate in my studies and would sit for hours with the same page of the book open in front of me. Different thoughts fleeting away were always there, and it was only through my determined efforts that my grades went up, staying stagnant just before the full blown psychosis that occured when I was fourteen.

Hallucinations can occur a couple of years before full schizophrenia sets in. There might be hallucinations, delusions or both. The initial impact can be quite disturbing and scary for the person going through it. Though the hallucinations may die out with time, occuring as a temporary psychosis, they may take the form of full blown psychosis and schizophrenia later on. Psychosis implies only hallicinations and delusions, whereas schizophrenia includes all the symptoms ranging from psychosis to cognitive disability to akinesia.

I believe that along with physical examinations, there should be mental health examination in school for kids. It would not only help in getting hold of mental illnesses earlier on, but it would also help prevent a full blown outcome of the disease.

Posted by puzli at 05:57 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 06, 2004

my past still haunts me...

my mom keeps nagging me to study. shes been doing this ever since i had been unable to study, and she hasnt got rid of her habit yet. she nagged me yesterday too, and i went into a dialogue with my mind, charting out possible ways to end my life, remembering all the times my parents got angry at me for failing my exams. i wanted to run away and kill myself. later my mom came up to me when i stopped talking to her and apologized, promising that she would never nag me again. she doesnt know the dialogue goin on in my brain. i finally accepted her apology and went off to sleep. guess i'm still bothered by my past that doesn't want to leave me. the sooner we get rid of our past and enter newer environment, the sooner we get better. We need a new environment so that the thoughts from the past don't haunt us. we need new people around us with whom we can interact. we need an understanding within ourselves about our own past. and the sooner we our able to remain stable with the thoughts from our past, the better it is.

so if ur past is still a pain, try realizing why it is so with a positive attitude, try encountering one thought at a time, dont immediately relate every other thought to it, for u will find it easier to become one with your past. breaking down our past into steps helps in conquering its fears just as the same way breaking down our studies helps us learn...

Posted by puzli at 07:36 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

August 02, 2004

My friend

I had a chat with my old school friend on the net today. I had believed in my past years that I was the chosen "one" and he knew about it and would help me out. Talking to him, I felt this great surge of excitement as I always do when talking to him. And as soon as I stopped talking to him, I crashed into a low, as I always do after I talk to him. This had been hounding me, I had been trying to find answers to why this happens. I'm not bipolar.

I realized that in my earlier days with him, I used to believe that he'll solve all my problems for me, he'll help me fight the "war". Only, I also believed that my parents were to blame for all my problems and they were trying to reduce me into this nothingness. I believed that "they" will never let me or anyone be "free". I realized that these thoughts came back to me when I was talking to my friend and I started getting excited talking to him as if I'm going to win the "war", but since nothing of that sort took place, and my parents were succeeding in gettin me "down", I went into a low as soon as I stopped talking to him.

So now I have to be careful either while talking to him or make a decision to stop talking to him altogether if I felt the same way. He was the coolest person in those days of mine, atleast I believed that. Now, he's a good guy, extremely intelligent and lively, but my own thoughts are betraying me. This is more because the stopping of clonazepam has brought back my hallucinations and nightmares.

Posted by puzli at 05:11 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack