Joan of Arc's Blog

January 19, 2008

What to do what to do

Well, i'm bored out of my mind right now.. I am not allowed to do anything I don't want to do.. And if I do something I don't want to do,, my career, respect, etc.. would be gone.

So I'm stuck in limbo.

You got to love it eh?

January 18, 2008

Family members

i am visiting my mom and dad. I am under their rules as long a I am visiting.

I can not buy/eat the foods that make me feel good or I get lectures. Also, I'm up all night even with the sleeping pill and I am not allowed to go out and get a fun movie to watch during my torture session tonight.

Not fun. :(

January 17, 2008

The peaceful warrior

Hello .

I just watched a really good movie which talks about Zen, living in the moment. Not worried about the past or present. It also talks about who are you when you can not do the thing you love. And they talk about a whole lot of other hard questions while seeing 2 guys relate out of respect for each other.

One guy is a gymnast, and the other guy, "Socrates", does what he wants when he wants. Socarates is the guy giving the advice. He does not seem like much, but he can move mountains with his philosophy.

This movie came at a time when I had many questions. It turns out sometimes I already do what Socrates says, and sometimes I act like the Kid/20 year old.

It is a very DEEP movie. I would highly recommend it for those of us who are lost

January 16, 2008

New poem -- expressing how I feel - Schizophrenia related.

I'm screaming my heart is pounding
as I slide across the floor,
I tried to get up but pain in my soul
is nothing that I adore.

It stabs me and jabs me
this I can no longer face,
and this tunnel of pain
leaves me far from grace.

From every side there is a wall
people can't see in.
they give me ideas and I try and hide
but the wall is pretty thin

I can hear them outside
thinking their great
while I suffer at the sound

I just wish they'd notice
The blood I have shed
Listening to their ideas
As nothing works "I said"

It's incurable, non endurable
Even though I'm still here
Enough is enough
As I shed a tear

I'm fighting I'm flailing
You don't seem to care
Your drowning me in your words
This is something I fear

Since the 1600's this disease
Has shed many tears
Your condensation and gossiping tongues
Is more than I can bare.

January 16, 2008

Food Allergies?

My mom thinks I have a food allergy.. I do feel weird after eating the Salmon ,, but as you and I know as being Schizophrenic,, it is this this week,, and what next week?

So now I have to tolerate feeling miserable.. or 1/2 way miserable right now.

January 15, 2008

How I feel right now/ poem

Here I am on the other side of illness
The other side of the mountain
No wind, it's cold, but we're alive
Here we are looking for that fountain

Of youth, we know it would heal us right
No talking, no feedback, just healing indeed
No conceit, no flirting, no fight
My trying, my gaining, it won't impede

Just objective healing to us
Something we have not had before
Always fighting, always trying
No one has opened that door

What we got were people spewing
The worst they were brewing
Of remedies this and that
They even got me chewing

On veggies, fruit and more
And the pain did not subside
This was a folklore
I'm trying, I have to hang on for the ride

But truthfully another day is not on the agenda
This day is only what I encounter today
If I even think of tomorrow, the pain sets in
Today I feel good and can play

This is a ride with no end
And people correct and jeer
If only some love and understanding
My sanity I do feer

January 15, 2008

Help me please --

Hi you all.

I have battling my illness for 15 years. Recently I have lost the last job I will have ever.

That is a tough one.. I am so sick most days or different hours that no job will take me.

Unfortunately, because over the 15 years I was beating myself up about stuff, i lost the last of any self worth or self esteem I had with my job.

My illness makes it impossible to achieve any goal.. Even a goal like,, "I will go into the kitchen at 9am".. Long story,, If anyone wants to dive in deep I will explain.

In the meantime.. I need a way of pumping myself up without goals. I can achieve nothing physical or anything outside of my head.

I get no praise to speak of.

So it has to come from inside of me and inside of my head. that is the only place where I can achieve goals.

Any ideas you all.. I need this fast as I cry at the drop of a hat because I am so low without my self esteem..

I want self esteem because it is easier to blow off others who are mean when you feel good about yourself.. At least for me.

HELP ME PLEASE.. I'm so going into the tank

January 13, 2008

learning and growing

What helped me was venting through poems, even if my legs were feeling numb and my head was hurting or even if I felt puky, I could put a lap top on my knees and plug away some poetry.

I ended up with some that actually made sense and I made it into a book. Hang in there you guys, you
can all live through this. It's harder than anything I've ever had to deal with in my life, and probably the same for you too. Look at it like a challenge. Just do your best and let the chips fall. Decide who you want to be and then be it no matter pain, ectesy, threats, real scary situations, etc.. And no, I'm not perfect. This helped me but I am human and I faulted plenty. That is were repenting to God, or forgiving oneself comes in. You have to forgive yourself.. You ARE being told to do X and if you don't do X bad things happen. I know, been there did or did not do X. I also often bit off more than I could chew.. I'd be like Oh yeah,,, Give me x , y, and z,,, and then the voices would and I'd be a world of hurt. Everytime I recover a little bit, I get mad that they are even in my space and challenge them. I have to quit doing that and just chill. Don't you think?

January 13, 2008


WEll, it hit me again. Physical pain, real pain. I have a migraine headache, piercing and ringing in my ears off and on, fibromyalgia type symptoms, freezing then hot, freezing then hot, and fever but I'm not "really" sick. Also, i feel off and on finger on the chalkboard sensation so I had to stop watching a movie or interacting with my parents whom I'm visiting. They would crunch potatoe chips and it was like my hearing was 10 times better than a dogs.. OUCH i must say,, OUCH.

Got to love it eh?

January 11, 2008

What if

How can they say this will help or that will help by not being in our shoes. For example, i just took a fibromyalgia pill for my fibromyalgia, then I need a herbal pill for the screeching feeling throughout my body. I need sleeping pills to sleep through pain and screeching in my ears. It just doesn't seem fair. I get mad about it less and less but am still learning how to cope.

January 10, 2008

Schizophrenics first year thoughts in poem format

I was diagnosed 9 years ago but have been suffering 15 years. I recently lost my last job as with the pain and confusion I suffer, I doubt I can work again. I have good hours but they are not
consistant so it is hard to find full time or part time with a flexible schedule.

I have also been venting through poetry and it turned out the poetry told a story about me losing my job, what it meant to me, what I lost, reputation, etc.. And how poeple reacted toward me, how I was an outcast. etc..

Here is one poem telling of how it all started. I do have regular writing in between telling more about the pain, my thoughts, and how it all ties together.

Again. Here is one poem:

Here's how is started many years ago
I was on my way to work and I heard a foe

I couldn't believe something I could not see was talking to me
So I ignored it not knowing what it could be

I took a bucket on days my stomach felt ill
When I had a headache I took a pill

I did not know this was a sign of what was yet to come
My body and mind were breaking down some

I can take this I thought as my ego was big
I'd always been positive minded, I'll beat this gig

No matter what happens to you, you can be pleasant or bad
It is your choice to choose no matter what is said

Cancer patients can have hope down to their last dying breath
If modern medicine can not cure, god will or at least you see him in death

They'd get to see him on that day
In the Garden of Eden they would play

But the lack of understanding, is not just folklore
Because a great deal of suffering, I hit the floor

How can we enlighten those not afflicted?
A task too great for even one man who's gifted

This troubles us when we take such pain
To proceed in our goals time and time again

But we mustn't blame those who are not in our shoes
How could they know the changes in perspectives, the positive attitudes?

The die hard tries and tries and fail
It's lucky I didn't land in jail

Now I'm thinking it was a lie
As the illness won't say goodbye

To retire early and stay home
I felt so ill, I could not roam

I'm not a genius I don't have the answers
A little love, a little leeway, would help me with this " cancer"

We are all facing demons of one or another
Please let's go beyond and try to help our brother

January 10, 2008

My Schizophrenia Book

My book about Schizophrenia is about 43 pages long and covers my feelings and how I thought people treated me during my worst year and losing my final job. My book tells what and how I hurt. Where I hurt. And how people affected me. There is a lot of poetry which tells stories of how I tried hard to keep my job, how I felt, and how I recovered. At the end of the book is just 5 poems where I felt the voices put me in another persons shoes and how they felt. I am selling this for only $5 dollars. If you are really hurting and have no money and would feel better by reading and knowing about another who hurts, I will just email it to you free. Please be honest with me. If you are interested in my book which is PG but covers hard life issues, let me know. Thank you. Joean of Arc.. My real name is Brenda. I just selected Joan of Arc because I feel my spirit of dueling with the voices has kept me sane so far, also I feel she was Schizophrenic.. Maybe it is God and we just fight like banchees? We want control over our lives. It is very offensive to think someone else can have that control, isn't it?

January 5, 2008

Schizophrenia leaves you alone. Literally

Sure , you may have friends and family, but they like to press your buttons. I hope you have someone out there that does not do that. There is no love for a schizophrenic. At least in my case. My husband is very conditional. He only chooses to show me love if I obey him. Sounds like the voices doesn't it. Weird, I just thought of this. I wish there was a way to talk back and forth on a blog. I have not found one. For instance, I read the Owl's blog today and wanted to respond, but could not. If you can respond to me, please do and tell me how to respond to other blogs on this sight. I'll write the webmaster as well.

January 4, 2008

This is how I feel when "They" go away. poem

We were standing, after the hurricane came by. The torn houses and uprooted trees How hard did we try We planted and stayed, but blown by the breeze Our hair is a mess, our life is intact But what did we lose? How did we cry? The rain and the tears, how did we react? We held to our guns, even as they pry We lost our job, we lost our face We planted roots, temptation we did taste We held to his plan, got out by grace But were scarred in our haste

January 4, 2008

Here's a poem inspired by our "Talk"

Forgiving2 We are like feathers of circumstance Around each other we play a dance The theme is new every day that's true We misinterpret, and then we're blue Why can't we let things just go by But no, but no, we try and try Not knowing which way to go Thinking each other is a pro At doing this or that and it's not healthy Thinking this or that, when really we're wealthy We have to love what we have and give and give Or everything is lost through our siv Of life and notice are we blind? Giving the benefit of the doubt, yes we're kind Let bygones be bygones, and love and play No sorries, no worries, just hi we'll say And knowing each others pride is intact Being good and loving is how we'll react.

January 4, 2008

I'm Excited to be here

Hello. I'm kind of wondering how this is going to go. My voices don't want me writing. I've gone back on medicine for about 2 months now and am not very creative anymore. My husband and I have differing opinions on how to cope with my illness. He thinks I should bow down to god, Fear him literally, and embrace healing. Even after doing that and not being healed he thinks I have no faith in God, that I'm obstinent, and need to read the bible constantly. NOT FUN. How are you all doing? I would like to open up the discussion to anything you'd like to talk about. You can ignore what I wrote if you like, or, if you have similar problems, I'd love to hear from you! :)

December 17, 2007

Schizophrenia Blog

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2000 in the Army. I joined the Army because I always wanted to and at the time something was going on. I thought the Mob was after me. I thought they were speaking to me through the T.V. and Radio and they were drugging me. I did not want to be drugged anymore and I knew the Army would not let them harrass me. Plus, I wanted as far away from my family as possible so they would not be harmed. I found out it was not real in the Army. To this day though, I still go through emotions of loss, guilt, betrayal, angst, sobbing, pain, etc.. As you know. I was able to work symptom free for 3 years. And then on and off symptoms for 4 more years. Recently, the voices decided to shoot pain to various areas of my body when I disobey. Since I'm very stubborn and would rather die then do something I don't agree to, I am in pain often. This caused me to lose my job and I'm trying to get Social Security to help pay for all my counselors, psychiatrists, and everyday living. I am married, but my bills are too much right now.

Hobbies: Chess, Motorcycle riding, Scuba diving (once in a while. I have to save for it), Fishing, Canoeing, Bowling, Badmitton, writing, and listening to Positive Music. Hard/Metallic Rock.