April 27, 2006

Music continues

The following are the lyrics to the songs, so to speak, the messages from the singing voices:

"The Police hate you, Wagner, police hate you, Wagner, police hate you, Wagner, for that." Last night, it was "Police hate W, Police hate W," but today it is clearly, "you, Wagner." I haven't been told what "that" is. I think I am supposed to know, but I'm trying not to, and trying not to speculate...

"We're coming, we're coming, we're coming back!" Ditto for who the "we" means. Tho' I suppose it only means the voices themselves, which is stating the obvious.

"Regarding this one, pray remove!" I fear they want me removed here. Note that this time I am "this one" in contemptuous third person, lowercase, whereas when they wanted to blame me a few days ago, I was The One in second Person uppercase, who had a Duty to do...

"Awful will our anger be, awful, awful, awful, awful!" mmmmmhh. Dunno what to do with this last one esp. repeated in many voices, single voices, sequential and harmonic, in many tunes and tones, sounding like like an opera or classical piece that focuses on one line as a repeated theme, changing it but keeping the words the same...Don't know how to describe what I mean (don't know classical music or the words used!) but I hear the music so clearly and wish I could imitate it to sing it! Now they are repeating all of the above lines in a frantic jumble of lyrics and melodies...Still later: After that final burst, they quieted a bit and subsided to a single muted theme without words, for a while at any rate.

Now I realize I'd better say something about not believing them, or Paula-of-the-lengthy- comment-fame and Dr O will worry...So, okay, I understand the above is not real, that it is a description of musical hallucinations that only I hear, no one else. But, I want to say, I DO hear them, and everything I say is the truth otherwise, is fact. How could it be otherwise. It is factual experience, even if no one else experiences it! How can you say it isn't? I could transcibe this music and make it "real" music if I knew how. If I were "mad Schuman," I would do so, as indeed he did, "channeling" Schubert! How can anyone say his music wasn't real??? Or that mine isn't? Just because it is unpleasant for the most part? Maybe if I could transcribe it, and thereby get rid of it, like catching a poem instead of letting it boil over in my head, I'd not mind this phenomenon so much...But I don't write music and don't believe this stuff is very good, not worthy of writing down, so it goes on festering and worrying itself into a bigger and bigger crack in the LP (can a crack in plastic fester? Oh, my mixéd metaphors!) Anyhow, you get my drift, I trust?

But I was talking about reassurance and I can do that: I assure them and all who read this that I am not going to listen to the messages I am given by these lyrics, no matter what they might tell me or command me to do, or seem to. I have made that commitment -- to staying alive and I intend to do so, and that includes all acts that so much as contain a possibility of threatening it. No, I can't always keep in my head the complete certainty that these voices are not real, not in the sense that they are ME...But I can refuse to listen. I hope that is enough to reassure you, cuz it is the best I can do.

Posted by pamwagg at April 27, 2006 09:54 AM


I have chronic schizophrenia but with much milder symptoms than you. But I do have the music playing constantly at times, usually the same 4-6 notes played over and over again. Everyone says, "Oh everybody does that -- everyone hears a tune they can't get out of their head sometimes." I say this is f**king different!!! It is the SAME FOUR NOTES 24x7. Oh. Okay. Then they look at me like I am weird. And maybe I am weird. Pammy, I admire you for the great courage you have shown in getting the word out about mental illness and the courage you have in coping with it. Like your grocery store saga. Please keep blogging -- it is good for the rest of us as well as for you. It helps me tremendously to read of your courage.

Posted by: Carolyn at April 28, 2006 05:33 PM

Pam, I wanted to make clearer what I meant. You are really hearing something, but the sounds don't come from anything other than your own chemistry. Of course you know this. It is just most distressing to me that you would believe the cruel words have any truth. Thanks for continuing to share this struggle.

Posted by: E. Kelly at April 28, 2006 06:42 AM

Dear Pam,
I've written to you by email but not in your blog until today; this seems more direct. I wanted to say that I cannot imagine the moral courage it must take to continue recovering, as you are, in the face of the voices & music. Of course they are real phenomena, you hear them. The great challenge - the moral challenge as it seems to me -- is to refuse to acknowledge any truth in what they are saying. Please do rest as much as you can.
Best wishes,

Posted by: E. Kelly at April 28, 2006 06:37 AM

My Pammy,
Last night when we talked, I felt much better about your state of mind. I was actually able to sleep rather normally, something that has been eluding me lately, despite my horrific fatigue. You know that I have a special pass that allows me to ride right on your wave length, and I understand completely the feelings and the consummate courage that you have revealed in this blog. Simply because they are not "real" in an empirical sense, does nothing to help you from hearing the loathsome "antichoir" that assaults you with increasing animosity. I wish they WERE real and had physical substance so that I could rip them to shreds, terrorizing them with evil words far worse than their pathetic vocabulary contains. If they bring out this much rage in me, I can imagine the terrible burden that you must bear. I have used this phrase many times before,Pam, but never so passionately as I say it to you now. You humble me, Pamela Marget Spiro Wagner, as no one has ever done.
I am so honored to be your, Twinnie 3,Paula

Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at April 27, 2006 09:49 PM

You are such an inspiration to so many people. You are a unique human being who is doing so much. My prayers are with you.


Posted by: kent chastain at April 27, 2006 02:21 PM

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