September 19, 2005

On Jealousy and Fundamental Lovability

Most people assume the problem causing jealousy is coming from outside them: he’s doing this to me for some mostly bad reason, she’s trying to take him away from me; I wanted that prize and now she's won it and is lording it over me trying to hurt me; how come he can afford that new car and I can't?...and so forth.

But the feelings generated inside US are the problem...If we didn’t feel jealousy or fear of abandonment, if we trusted that a person truly loves us and that all would work itself out to the best end possible for all concerned, if we trusted that we were fundamentally lovable and loved ourselves in the same deal, none of it would happen.Your girl or your guy might still be interested in someone else, but it wouldn’t threaten your sense of self-worth or feeling that you are loved and jealousy wouldn’t be a problem, you could just be happy for them that they have found someone else to love along with loving you, since there’s no limit to the amount of love there is in the world or in a person...and likewise they would be happy for you if you found another...but if not, would never abandon you, because they still love you, they just love 2 people, and how wonderful that they love 2 people, let them love 10!

(Or that sort of thing! I know it sounds either impossible or too much California gag me with a spoon, but some of it works for me, or sounds right to me, even though I have never accomplished it yet...Mostly because I fear I cannot love at all. Can one love without wanting physical contact??? I really like a lot of people, male and female, but I am terribly afraid they will touch me in some way that demands response. I can give a casual hug, finally, and shake hands. And one friend who is trained as a massage therapist in CA has given me an abbreviated back massage...But I’m otherwise terribly afraid of contact with other people and if others demand it, I throw their friendships I’ve always felt I was unable to love...)

But also, if you felt truly lovable, would it matter who won a prize? You'd know the value of your work and the value of yourself and the latter wouldn't depend on the former. You'd be certain you were loved whether you won the prize or not, or whether you had a new car or not...It all comes down to trying to impress people for the sake of eliciting love from them, because none of us feel fundamentally lovable. If we did, so many bad feelings and the resultant bad behavior would drop away...

It all starts with one’s self esteem, and the ability to feel that one is lovable no matter what you do. I mean, no matter how bad a mistake you make, no matter how thoughtless you accidentally are, no matter how mean your thoughts and words might sometimes be, that you know, beyond a doubt, the YOU are lovable despite all of that. If only we knew that, all of us, maybe we’d feel less insecure in the world. I know I still obsess about being evil and taking up too much space in the world...And I feel incredibly hate-able, despite all that I’ve said above. I feel like any Force or Energy or Essence or Spirit or God that might have set us spinning is disgusted by me and will soon teach me a terrible lesson...revenge time, you know... I have all these unlovable-me feelings that under-run everything, and undermine all I do. But can you imagine if we didn’t?

Did any of you see the movie: WHAT THE BLEEP DO WE KNOW? If not, you absolutely Must. When you see those photos of water, plain water, vs water that has been prayed over, water that has been told, I love you, and water that has been told, You make me sick, I hate you! It will break your a good way. The man’s comment to Marlee Matlin then means everything. The movie is part documentary, part movie-movie, part weirdness animation, but I loved it and so far so has everyone I know who has seen it. It might give you some ideas to think about when jealousy and bad feelings and feelings of unlovabity hit you, too.

Posted by pamwagg at 12:19 PM | Comments (4)

September 08, 2005

Don't Say NO to New Orleans

It's a tragedy through and through, devastating in it's enormity but to my mind it is at least questionable whether or not New Orleans flooding is a natural catastrophe or a man-made one. After all, at the most basic level, it was man who created New Orleans, but worst of all, it was Bush who deliberately with held the necessary funds that all knew were absolutely essential to prevent this sort of levee breaching.

However, blame must be laid later, this is no time to fight over who did what and when and why and who shoulda done what and when and why, there are people in terrible need. I know that those of us with schizophrenia feel that we have nothing to contribute to the world because of our illness, but we do.

We can still do something to help out, even if it's volunterring at your local armory to help receive donated goods or collect cans of food for your local food pantry. They are ways to help your local community too, which will be stressed to the max because of the enormously high gas prices. Drive three to a car instead of alone. Pick up your friends on a rotating basis when you go to the clubhouse. Maybe you could get together and pool money to buy underwear for the people in those horrible shelters. I hear they are looking for socks and undies esp. Women, how hould you feel if you had to go without a box of tampons on "those days"? As a group, as individuals, if you help just one person, you have done something big because you have given to someone outside of yourselves and it will give you self esteem galore.

To those of you who have $7-10 to spare, and can get on the internet, theres a great COBY JR RADIO at that price that takes 2 D batteries and has gotten rave reviews. Look them up at JR MUSIC I think, or Amazon, which will shunt you right there and take you right through the buying process. (the more you buy the lower the shipping costs. For just one it is ridiculous...)I ordered 15, bought 15 4-packs of D batteries and taped the batteries securely to the boxes then brought them to the state armory for free shipment to the central distribution centers in N.O. where they'll know best how to use them. Even one radio is better than none. But try to include at least 2 batteries cuz they will be in short supply. Go ahead, my friends, get out of your heads, lift yourself from your own pain for a moment and know that others are suffering now too and they need YOUR help.

Won't you answer the call?

Posted by pamwagg at 03:10 PM | Comments (3)

September 03, 2005

Media blitz

I'm sorry for my absence but things have been crazy around here. We did a reading that was supposed to be for around 30 people and turned out to be for 320 people! and it was, by all accounts a great success. We've done radio shows and TV and...Well, due to the hurricane Good Morning America has bumped us probably into next week, but hopefully then. And CNN is doing a segment on us on the Paula Zahn show for which they taped us all day last Wednesday and thoroughly exhausted me...In fact, I'm still recovering. No voices, but I do have certain thoughts recurring that I shouldn't be thinking, about the Five People and Grey Crinkled Paper and how Evil I am...Things that never went away, true but were pushed back far into the background until now. I'm also not eating well at all which means my stamina is even more limited, but somehow I can't get myself to eat enough to give me more energy, and of course that makes me somewhat lethargic, on top of the medications' effects. I dunno, this media book tour is already taking a toll on me, no matter how good it feels to have TV and radio shows want us and to have good reviews from everyone. I've always hidden from the world physically, and now I'm totally on display which makes me very uncomfortable. What to do? What to do?

Posted by pamwagg at 08:01 PM | Comments (2)