August 11, 2004


Nick your comments are useful and timely.
Yes the illness should not be mentioned by name when not asked for.In face of the current "studied" non awareness infact almost a revulsion to mental illnesses shared by the majority.It is in the best interests of the patient that the diagnosis is garbed under medical treatment/counselling/care etc.
At home we deal with it at most times with humour this I find finds a resonance with my son...who laughs along too.
In moments of crack up more often than not it is my serious response/depressed response/response full of foreboding that has distorted matters more. At other times my response is coloured deeply by my emotions vis vis my child.
Iam trying to curb all these.
Thanks once again ...all of you who write in. And please read one story under success stories written by a daughter sent in by the mother it has beautiful insights into the "mind" .The title is "People that have won."

Posted by Monica at 05:27 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

August 09, 2004


I continue to project my own deep fears onto to my son,time and again I have blown situations completely out of proportion and exploded into anger and rage.
When it happened once again recently I did a very serious looking into my own self and was startled to note that that it had actually been me and not him or the external circumstances that were truly responsible for the distorted reactions.Memories of the past,my own insecurities,complexes gathered and created the hell. Looked at from a position of fear all good recedes and the entire focus becomes dark and menacing..
Fear and the frustrated anger that follows can take us back several steps in establising a trusting loving relationship.
All that I had built up in the past was threatening to come apart.
I had to make sure that my life force and conditon was always so high and positive that each situation threatening or not could be handled with love,wisdom and clarity.
Chanting is my pill for reaching there. One hour a day and Iam in a better position to handle life.My head is clearer,thoughts are not scattered and optimism comes more naturally.
If this is a "tapasya" and is to bear fruit it can only be done in a spirit of grace and surrender.

Posted by Monica at 09:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 05, 2004


The positives:
Is talking avidly and lucidly with family and friends.
Is smiling genuinely.
Sense of humour is returning.
Is begining to concentrate on written material.
Is not depressed.
Is working very hard on exercising his body.
Follows routine at day care except Yoga.
The negatives:
Voices return sometimes.
Has an obsessive urge to repeat movements.
Occasionally gets peculiar sensations in his body.
Feels lonely when friends do not respond.
Often speaks of how "difficult" each day is, for him and wonders at the ease with which the rest of us "live".

And it this last, which is "IT" isnt it?

Posted by Monica at 06:24 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 02, 2004

Super Kid

There is my son just about begining to cope with normal life,trying very hard to fit in and on the other hand is my daughter a "super kid" who got brilliant results,was admitted into the best college and course,doing a million things simultaneously,madly busy and some what hyper.Determined in her heart to do the best,aching at many places, at having lost a brother she had looked up to and for never having experienced fatherly comfort and love.
I snap at her many times. on time scheduling, on taking it slow, we have many arguments, sometimes nasty.I wish her to spend more time with her brother,I wish she would include him in her social outings.She doesnt unless Iam there.Am I expecting too much?
Her conversations with him sometimes border on the motherly which irritates him,she is unable to strike a balance.Perhaps Iam being too demanding after all she is only 17.
Or perhaps I must strictly schedule at least one day a week when we can all go out together for a meal and just chat.
What will work I really dont know?
And then my son is moving rapidly into catching up with old friends and Iam so frighhtened that very soon they will distance themselves from him.So many fears .

Posted by Monica at 05:37 AM | Comments (190) | TrackBack