April 21, 2004

And it begins ... again

I just have one short entry ... I was asked to move again today because Mike believes that I am cheating on him ... and I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know. I hate this disease, I hate the agony he is in, I hate the fact that he really wants to hear me say yes I am doing this stuff so that he can be right, and I can't handle the constant dillusions. It is out of hand again ... and I don't think that it will ever be any better.
I will leave him alone with his dillusions, but what good is that. I just want to scream..................and never stop.
I'm just sick and I don't know what to do anymore. I HATE IT.
That is all I feel right now. And I want the hell to go away.

Posted by norm at 02:44 PM | Comments (4)

April 14, 2004

Normal days

Its been pretty quite around here lately. No suspicious or probing questions. No accusing statement. Only on Easter Eve did the symptoms start to dig at the foundation of the calm in our day and I chased them off. I stopped it in its tracks and I haven't heard anything since.
The calm before the storm. No, there is always something somewhere. The blank stare, the rolling of the eyes, the expressionless face. The forced looks of happiness. He knows when to give them, because he knows he is normally without them.
I remember the first time anything happened and I didn't have a clue, only the little bit of information he had given me about his condition. He kicked me out of the bedroom and locked all the doors. Locking me out. Or locking himself in. I don't know what he thougth he was doing. I was so mad, but then I remembered, he can't help it. I remember telling myself that. I guess that is how I conditioned myself. I guess that is how I have made it without looking back.
I guess for today this is our normal. There is no telling what tomorrow will bring, if anything. Who knows what will be hurled our way. I pray it is eventless. And Normal as it possibly can be - for our house.
We will enjoy this normal calmness, we are storing up our enegry for the next round. Its like war. A war that will never end, and one that I will continually find amunition for.
God bless all of you. Hang in there-enjoy your normal every minute you have it.
We all know it can be taken away so quickly.

Posted by norm at 02:23 AM | Comments (1)

April 07, 2004

letting it settle

I would never want anything to happen to Michael. In the past few month I got so caught up in what was going on with him that everything around me suffered. I was afraid to come home sometimes because I didn't know what his current dillusion might be.
I spoke to a family friend one day not long ago who grew up with him, and I told her what a hard time it was getting to be and what a terrible disabilty it is and "how I would never want it." She looked at me and said, "but you do have it. It is your life." From that point on I guess I have been trying to deal with the situration a little differently.
My choice to stay was based on the fact that I knew if he was consistant with his medication, he would be ok, and he is doing good. We are doing good. I can consentrate again and so can he and that is something that is essential for survival. I had to be able to work and concentrate and not be distracted, so did he. And I was very distracted, very worried, and feeling very sorry for him. But that has changed. Actually there hasn't been anything major in a month or more and that is a relief to me. When someting does happen, it is very mild and we deal with it immediately and it is over. No more six hour talks. Its just over, and that is something different too.
I always remind myself that this is something new and to remember there will be days, bad days, but, today isn't one of them. Today is a good day, and they keep getting better.
The holiday seems to be a non-issue right now too, and that is a relief.
My advice is to just hang in there everybody. It is like a theaf in the night and strikes when it is least expected. Always be armed and ready to help chase away the bad things going on in their minds. And enjoy the good days without symptoms.

Posted by norm at 02:52 PM | Comments (0)

April 02, 2004


It was one of the scariest things in the world to see Mike at his very worst. I felt sad, and helpless and furious. I hated the disorder. I couldn't believe that what a schizophrenic sees in his mind is a real emotional experience for them and no amount of talking was going to change it. And the thing he thought I had done to him was be unfaithness.

In the beginning symptoms were mild, but throughout last summer his doctor started to adjust his medication and that is when the world as I once knew it was gone forever. It was a physical and mental roller coaster ride throught hell.
He went from one medication to another with some calming in some places but in other places the symptoms got unmanagable.

That is where the books came in. I learned the terms associated with the disorder like cyclical, and ruminating thoughts and symptoms and decompensation. And they all seemed to happen around the same time. All at once-like a stew.

Holiday and family get togethers are stressful timed for him, and getting a new girlfriend that " is so patient and so willing to do what she could" sure did help matters, for his family anyway, the pressure was off a little for them.

A little backround. when Mike was diagnosed he was sent to a mental istutution for a month or two, and he was in his early 20's. Not long after that, a couple years maybe, his mother died in an accident, which left hiim fighting for support not only to compensate for his mother, but to understand and manage the schizophrenia. (I don't like to say His, because it isn't all he is. It is just something that he has). This made things much more complicated for everyone, and now the trickle down effect still exists and it is at these times of year I have found that he is most likely to decompensate.

It was hell, even sometimes now it is but nothing compared to those few months. He made me move during that time. He truely believed that I had cheated on him and it was so real to him, he was shaken. It was so confusing for me. The day I left (for a week) I called his doctor and told him he needed immediate attention and that he should call him as soon as possible, and I left. It was what I felt I needed to do to keep him out of the hospital. The quiet and calm of being alone and develping some structure along with the right medication did the trick. That time anyway. It has never been quite that bad since.

The worst feeling for me was knowing I didn't do anything and that there was nothing I could do to change his mind - he had already lived it and it was too late.

So lately things are calmer and as normal as things can be here in our house.
I never know what is going to happen from day to day and it is always a surprize to me.

I would tell him early in our relationship that I wish I could just cut it out of his brain. I think everyone that deals with this with someone they love with this feels the same way.

Easter is just around the corner ... I am waiting to see what happens with that.
No matter how under control everything is right now ... I know that there is something brewing, and I guess as long as I know that, I will be a little prepared for what might happen during this holiday.

And I make sure he takes his medication-everyday at the same time. It a necessity.

Posted by norm at 05:12 PM | Comments (3)