The Joy of Madness

Completing my Degree

I'm trying to figure out what major to declare as I finsih my degree. I have been accepted under human services; but now I'm considering a B.S. in Social Science or a Liberal Studies degree. I guess I want the one that I can complete the fastest. I have 90 units or so. Hopefully I will have a job soon; and will then be juggling school and work. I actually found an agency that places people in jobs like the ones I'm capable of and am experienced in.

My friend T. wants someone to throw a Valentine's day party. I think my apartment is too small; so I might ask someone else to do it this time.

I saw Phantom of the Opera and it was good. I want to see The Merchant of Venice.

I'm having a hard time communicating with my dr.s. All of them. I asked for a pill for my poly cystic ovaries and the dr. said "oh you don't seem to have that anymore. He decides this by looking at my face! I am not assertive enough I guess because I left with nothing. Then at my shrink he tells me the shaking in my hands is all anxiety. That it is not the lithium. I really need to ask for Artane. I feel uncomfortable around him. He asks me to tell him how a drug worked for me that I took four months ago. I really couldn't say because I have a memory deficit disorder and when I take 3-4 medicines I can't tell what works or doesn't. I don't think Abilify is working because I feel persecuted in public sometimes. I think when you shake a lot you are persecuted sometimes.

There is this song I really like by Coldplay that says: In a bulletproof vest I'll be doin my best when all I really want is friends. It is about a shut in. Some days I don't go anywhere. It is really boring and lonely; but if I have no one to do anything with then I stay home. I need a job just to kill time.

Sunny Days

The weather has been so nice here in So Cal the last few days. I love it! We had so much rain and hail for a while there. I am having a lot of fatigue today. I will beg the Dr. on Wednesday to switch me to Lamictal or something. I'm sick a lot on these current pills. I tested a little under the therapeutic level of Lithium;but I don't want to take anymore.

I was telling my friend we should set up a dating site called MishuginaMatch.com or crazymatch.com. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be straight forward about the craziness when meeting men. Maybe I'll put an ad on here and see if I start a trend. If nothing more it would be funny. My friend taught me the words fedroit and fakaktah too. I'm not sure I know how to spell them.

I've decided to go to TX. for president's day. Then in April I will go to Arkansas to see my Grandpa.

I am going to look for a job on the job board at Goodwill. I can go tomorrow if I have energy.

I saw a movie called wilbur wants to kill himself and it was really good. I don't know why they kept releasing him from the hospital though.

I have some pidgeons that laid eggs on a shelf on my balcony. I'm not supposed to have pets but this is legal I suppose.

Musings on Madness

I really don't think anyone reads this anymore. But what the heck here goes nothing. I realized today that a lot of times I preclude myself from new opportunities because of anger. I wear thorns. I hear a lot of people in public say I look muy enojada (angry). I know I exhibit the facial expresson of a person who is going to go off; but I don't know what to do about it. I feel anxiety and terror about poverty and I feel acutely alone. Right now I have seasonal affective disorder. I feel that until I overcome this anger issue I can not move forward with relationships or work. Since the hypoglycemia kicked in I haven't felt right. I must eat every two hours or else I really don't look normal. I fear not looking normal too. My friend says that she can just accept not looking normal; but I can't. How can you when you appear antisocial. Part of this could be mania or depression. I suspect mixed states. I hate living alone. I am also having a problem with hormones. I've been sick since Thursday.

I'm supposed to lead a meeting tonight that I had volunteered to run; but don't know if I am up to it. I have a lot of fatigue lately. I bought some Dong Quai and started taking it as soon as they delivered it a few minutes ago.

I had offered to take a trip to Texas; but don't know if it possible what with the daily stomach illness and fatigue. I really miss my family over there. My 11 year old neice sent me a poem today. It really touched me. I sent her this one:

Myth of Hope

The Pig who sang to the moon

told me that we must live life

by design, not by default.

We are bug-eyed people,

palms open

anticipating explanation.

He said: All suffering

is caused by separation;

there will be no more dominance.

The pig yodeled Hope;

and what I heard was my whole self

singing and saying what it knew: I can.

It all passed through me

like a mountain spring

in a winter's dream.

Heather Wilcox, 2004