December 30, 2004

Last Entry 2004 (Poetry)

She knows Los Angeles is a junkyard for young lives
as they sit curbside by the railroad tracks
sipping Mickey's (a.k.a. liquid asphalt)at 2:00 a.m.
She's no dumbtype but doesn't know what to say
when the men call her "guapa".
"Sucker" she says brazenly with a whiskey voice.
The Mexican Mafioso melt as they gaze.
She knows that beauty will save the world;
even these demon dogs,
on the dark side of the rainbow.
From the train,
you can see how L.A. is
a sprinkling of glitter
in an envelope of darkness.

Passion Squandered

I will die from the pain
of the containment of my creativity.
When will I escape the oppression of those
who would rather see me living in squalor
than see me soar to stardom?
Why should I maintain mediocrity
which is reccomended by RECOVERY
by supressing my Mensa mentality
so that I can avoid grandiosity
while your thumb becomes heavier
and I shink into meekness and humility?
I will attain my birthright/my destiny
not in some other century
when you say
step back, you loom too large
I say
I must expand to scratch
my way
out of poverty.

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December 26, 2004

Christmas Day

I have felt quite groggy lately and I don't know whether it is the Lithobid or the Paxil. The Lithium is making my hand shake quite a bit. I can't go on taking these dosages. I got a light box for Christmas and I can't wait to use it.

I am trying to decide whether to study online or go to college on a campus. I sent in my state disability form so maybe I will get the money soon. They said they would give me until June 2006. I must have my Student Aid report sent to the university. If I took classes at the local university then I could enroll in P.E. and be forced to exercize. I am getting too lazy about it. I think I lack 24 credits; but I'm not positive. I don't know what to do accept tutor when I am finished with my degree. I am considering being an intern as a case manager. That is the best way I can think to get a skill.

I went to Merced and Yosemite over the past few days. I had a blast! My Mom and I went to visit my Great Aunt Evalyn and my two second cousins. That turned out to be really interesting because my cousin Charlene and my Aunt both write poetry and they read some. There is some mental illness in that part of the family. My Great uncle was mentally ill although I'm only related to him by marriage. He had a co-occuring disorder and eventually committed suicide. One of my Aunt's children had Schizophrenia.

I'm writing down information about the lives of my relatives so that I can write stories later. I need guidance with the stories though. A class would be good for that. I've decided to write the story of my first hospitalization. It is about time. I had a near death experience there.

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December 18, 2004


I decided not to go to Texas for Christams after all. I'll just have a slow Christmas. I can't deal with the last minute shopping and possibly not buying the right gifts. I don't have the funds to do it. Also, I'm in a depression and I have a lot of anxiety. Dealing with airport crowds is impossible now.

Tomorrow my Mom and I are going to Handel's Messaiah at The Disney Hall. That should be exciting. I'll get to wear a nice dress. I might go see the lights at Griffith Park this week with a group. Tuesday night is the dinner where we have a $10 gift exchange game.

Monday at 1:00 I have an interview to be an instructor for kitchen services at a training center for the developmentally disabled. I don't know what the job entails; but it only pays $8.50 per hour. I earned 8.50 an hour ten years ago. Back then I didn't really need the money; but now rent is so much higher. I think I have to ask for $9.00 at the minimum. I don't know if it pays benefits or not. I think it kind of reeks; but I'll go check it out.

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December 16, 2004

Bad News

I didn't qualify for the job with the physical disabilities because I don't drive. Many positions that would otherwise be good for me exclude me because one qualification is driving.

The woman with the ad about the apartment never returned my call. Im considering moving into a dorm. It is $635/month and this place is $820/month. In April or May my rent here goes up to $850. It would cost me to pay laborers $500 and then I would be be breaking the lease here. So I would owe until they rented the place I guess. I'm desperate. My friend says she knows a loop hole where you can escape your lease. Moving sounds like a bear. Quite scary in fact. But in the long run if it means I could relax and enjoy my life a little more I guess it is worth it. I hate being a nomad. I was considering asking my Dad if he would give me the money for a down payment on a mobile home.

Speaking of my Dad, I just found out he has prostate cancer. He says it is small and they will shoot pellets of chemo in. I'm very upset about this. I had expected to reunite with him in the next two years;but I realize I better make use of the current time. I'm flying over for Christmas. I have to figure out a way to buy Christmas gifts for them there. I have three neices,two sisters, two brother in laws and my dad and stepmom. This is so sudden and has plunged me into a depression. The other part about going to Texas is that I feel particularly vulnurable now being unemployed and newly divorced. I feel inadequate and I hope I can pull off being normal and not have a meltdown.

My friend from the ups and downs meeting called Tuesday evening to tell me that T. a lady from our meeting overdosed on all her pills. She was in a coma but may have come out of it a little. She opened her eyes and wiggled her toes. J. says that sometimes people are in and out. I think she is trying to decide whether to stay or to go. My friend J. said that she's thought about doing that so many times but what keeps her from doing it is that she asks herself "If I took all my pills tonight; what would I do about tomorrow?" You've gotta love the logic there since it keeps her alive.

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December 12, 2004

Changes Abound

I might have a job as a caregiver to a woman with Cerebral Palsy. It's a live in position for every other weekend. If she likes me when I meet her Tuesday then my job will be to take her to do fun stuff in the community. I would also cook, clean, and provide personal care for her. I am looking forward to it.

I saw an ad in this free local newspaper that comes in the mail that said that a 30ish woman on SSI is looking to share an apartment. I got excited and called and her Grandma spoke with me and told me to call this week. So I'll call on Tuesday.

I was supposed to go to the gifts for giving party but couldn't due to the job interview. I did go to my mom's Christmas party though. It was pretty boring. If I don't work on New Years then maybe I'll throw a potluck at my Mom's house. My parents are going to the Virgin Islands over that period.

My meds are making me groggy. If I have to though I get up and take care of business. I drink a lot of coffee.

Does that song by Matchbox Twenty that goes "Im not crazy I'm just a little (insane?)bother anyone but me? I take offense to it (lol) because I'm mentally ill and I don't make friends with shadows on the wall. Also, how would that guy know the first thing about being crazy?

Yesterday my friend and I drove through Candy Cane Lane. That's this area with big houses where people really go all out decorating with lights and stuff at Christmas. We're going along and in a cynical tone my friend turns to me and says "you know, Jesus wasn't born in December." That kind of bothered me. She's not a Christian but enjoys some of the traditions.

On Wednesday I'm going to another friend's Hanukah/Birthday party. Tomorrow I'm going to see what kind of glasses Medi-cal will buy me. Last year I had sunglasses made and they wouldn't pay for the lenses! Can you believe that? I had to pay over $300 for the lenses. My eyes are bad; but I think they should pay part at least.

Did I tell you I haven't been going to the gym? I've developed a fear of it. It is crowded and sometimes people make comments. I need to go though. It is good for my body and my mind. I need to take a radio or something.

In a year and a half my mom will retire from lausd and go to Texas to live near my sister and my neice. I have mixed feelings about this. I am a big baby in a way. I hardly have family in L.A. so when she goes I will have less local support. On the other hand though, I will get to see my family in Texas more often, as she has promised to fly me over often. She offered to take me with her but I'm going to stay. I would feel like I was in a foreign country there. I wouldn't know where to work, I would have no friends, I wouldn't know how to use the transit,or where to get medical care. I guess it is better for me to just get my act together here.

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December 03, 2004

Friday December 3, 2004

All of a sudden things are looking up. This morning I was very sad; but then things started to change. I had my meds delivered and I took a paxil. But really what changed was when I talked to friends and also when I checked my e-mail. I am helping plan a holiday party for this region for Project Return members. Each member gets a gift and a meal. Wednesday I have a party at a Schizophrenics Anonymous meeting. That same day I am having lunch with an old friend. We say we went to high school together; but in fact we went to day treatment together. We say we learned a lot there. That was in 1992. Monday I'm supposed to go have my blood drawn to measure the Lithium in my blood. But it's one of these cattle calls. I walked in there last Monday and I turned and left. I hadn't packed a meal. Tomorrow, Saturday I'm supposed to see a movie with a friend. Sunday I think my friend wants to go to the Found party in Melrose. I hope it works out. I have a couple of items I found that I want to take them. Maybe I could help my stepmom decorate the Christmas tree tomorrow instead of Sunday. I also kind of promised a friend that I would help her pack Sunday; but I can't if I go to this party. I have a party at my Mom's on the 11th. She makes Pozole. The gifts for giving party might be the 10th. I see my therapist on the 9th. That same day I go to a medical dr.

I really need to find a job. I guess if I don't have a paycheck by January or the promise of one I will have to move back home with my mom. I can't get too comfortable here in my apartment. I don't have a Christmas tree. That is a luxury. I am having a hard time physically because of the hormones. I am quite tired, have been in pain, and have been depressed. I think I will get it straightened out at the dr.'s though. Hopefully Paxil will remove some of this anxiety. I have real reasons for the anxiety; but then I take it a step too far. I applied for Homes For Life, a housing foundation for the m.i. pop.

I must buy some more seeds for the pidgeons that come to my balcony. I hope my plans work out. I need people to drag me out.

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December 01, 2004


I thought you were the starlight of my sky
I waited for the answer to a question I had not asked
you answered:
"sometimes our emotions confuse us."

Me anorexic thin
teenage ADD Ritalin
the credit card
that wouldn't clear
the rich cuisine,
Mama, that night
you filled my stomach;
but the live jazz trio
with the bass
that salved my sores
and the loving intention
you fed me,
feed me still.

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