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I have a biopsy scheduled for a cyst on one of my ovaries on Monday the 3rd. I am kind of happy they finally found something because now I feel vindicated. It also means that I can begin to get treatment. Today I slept until 11:00 a.m. I have no energy and am a little irritated with myself for being at home.
Tomorrow I am going to an ENT about possible sleep apnea. Then I see my friend Fardin for coffee. I am supposed to fast and get a blood test for liver and also for cancer. I am going to see if there is a lab closer to my home. I hate fasting. Sometimes I wake up in the night and eat a bowl of cereal so that screws up the fasting.
I feel disenfranchised from society. I have three friends who don't call me anymore. That bites.
I got Victor an appointment at a clinic to get an evaluation for depression. This is major headway.
I am considering enrolling for summer classes at a local communtiy college. I am unsure whether I will be up to going to classes because I might need surgery. I can just plan for the best though.
There may be no summer
this summer I may not see
unless I heal from this disease.
Summer I may not see
unless from this pain
a doctor releases me.
Unless a government doctor
takes pity on me.
No doctor has listened
no one has seen this sick body
only seen a sick mind.
So this summer perhaps no love,
concerts, beach, travel, family, or children.
Because no one could melt glaciers in my ovaries
no one would be alerted to suffering
focusing all energies on mind matters
fascinated with mental weakness
not on a life threatened.
I may die a death of poverty (eventually)
but please trained healer don't abandon me.
Love is a Ghost
Please love, if I must leave
don't forget me.
Don't be disappointed
that our love grew slowly
don't be saddened
because in time love has quality
For two years I waited patiently
for the folly of your youth
And you came back again and again.
You knocked;I answered.
I knew love before you;
but you finally came begging
and out love did lock.
You cannot deny my patience.
If we separate;
know that it is not my choice.
Poor timing as it may seem;
I will visit you in a dream.
I am a little bummed because Victor is only getting 20 hours per week at work which means that we can only afford $600 per month on rent. Here in Los Angeles County $600 only gets you a room in someone's apartment or house. My rent is due to increase in May. Then it will be $930 per month I think. That is still more than my SSI check. We really can't live here together because the place doesn't have a bedroom. It only has a loft area to sleep. He is nocturnal and likes to watch t.v. late. I am considering the two of us sharing a house with one or two more people. I don't really know if that is a solution though.
I have decided to sign up for Health Net an HMO; so that I can possibly get better health care. I saw this Dr. last Thursday in Beverly Hills (Dr. Doostan)and he was really rather rude and rough. He didn't bother to give me a referral to a sleep clinic for sleep apnea. He told me to find one on the internet. So I went down there for nothing. I left there really depressed.
I am going to call two friends back. I've decided that it is too lonely without them.
I am going to see my Mom today and tomorrow I see my shrink. On Thursday I see Fardin for coffee and Friday I see my therapist. My life is very dull; but I have my health to thank for that. I would really love to see the movie Tsotsi today. I went to look for a store in North Hollywood yesterday where I was told I could buy new articles of clothing for $1. It took me a while to find it as I was off by a few blocks on the bus and then it turned out to be not such a cool place to shop. A few days ago I went to a $5 store and got 3 items. I also went to a thrift shop near there and got a few things. I received a paycheck from my job with Project Return:The Next Step. I beleive I still have one more check coming.
I am thinking of applying to Easter Seals Home Select program to buy a condo. They might be able to assist us since we both have income.
When people call and ask what I am up to I say not a whole lot. It is a bit embarrasing to be so idle. Victor got me a cell phone and I really have no use for it. Since I was going to be working; I would have had a reason to have it. So now I must create a purpose for it.
I already lost my job! I was so tired that they wanted to transfer me to a new school after 3 days of working. My therapist thinks I might have sleep apnea. So I am going to get tested. My Dad has it and so does my 3 year old neice. So it is painful; but honestly I think they did me a favor. I should take care of my health. I could have gone to the new school; but I thought that that would be counterproductive. It would have been the same situation but in a new location. So I am officially unempoloyed and poor.
I am also bored. I feel I have the obligation to find something productive to do with my days. I would like to take classes; but I kind of blew that for this semester. They are well past the date to enroll. It is a possibility that I could go to a course through a community college extension if I have the money soon. Victor has started working and will be paid on March 17. I will also be paid my pithy paycheck that day. It is not going to be a very proud day.
I think I have lost 3 or 4 friends. They don't call anymore. I need to find a new way of meeting people. I have been meeting people who have bipolar; but I would rather meet people over a positive common interest. I haven't asserting myself in that area in quite a long time.
I might take the course in May at The Victory Clubhouse to become a paid peer advocate. They are starting a program where they will have members mentor young people newly diagnosed with mental illness. I have to find out how much it pays. I know a guy that works on the warm line there and he only gets minimum wage. Of course anything would be better that sitting around and only getting 730 a month on SSI. Another alternative to that is working as a housing advocate. I have to find out when they are starting the training for that. I don't know if it is actually scheduled yet.
I have been very depressed and isolated lately. I feel misunderstood by my Mom. I haven't talked to my Dad since I lost my position; but I don't think he will be thrilled or understanding. My Mom kept pushing me to get this job so that I would have health insurance and get my medical problems taken care of. It proved too much for me.
Not having the extra 1,000 per month is going to affect our ability to move to a 2 bedroom apartment. I am a little ashamed about that. Right now we live in a studio plus loft and it is impossible to share. Victor apologized for pushing me to get the job. He said my health should come first. He thought the job would get me out of isolation and help me to feel happier.
We had hail here yesterday and snow in the mountains at 2,000 feet. It seems strange to have nasty weather this late in the winter season.
I am stongly considering quiting the Tuesday night meeting. I don't feel support there. In fact there is a lot of antagonism. People I trusted there are no longer there for me.
I am seeing Fardin tomorrow for coffee. Also, I am going early to get some blood work done at my m.h. clinic for glucose, thyroid, and cholesterol, and hormones. I must wait to get a replacement medi-cal card in the mail before I can ask for a sleep test. I think I have to go to a pulmonary doctor for that. I really am clueless about it.
I worked Thursday and Friday. It was quite momentous for me since I hadn't worked for over a year. I was very zoned out. The principal asked if I was overwhelmed the first day. I lied and told her no. I have been feeling so tired lately. I was supposed to go have some bloodwork done Monday morning at the clinic where I see my shrink; but I must work. So I will call my friend Fardin tomorrow and ask him for the name of a Dr. who I can visit after work. He has the name of a good Dr. I am to have my glucose, cholesterol, and my hormones checked.
The other aide in the classroom was very funny and welcoming and asked me to participate in a game where we pulled a boy out of the tv set. We were on inclimate weather schedule and the kids needed to be entertained. So he pretended that one boy had disappeared into the t.v. I said that we could send a space rocket to get him back out again. So then I was the captain of the ship and I was told to invite two students up to dance with me until we got the kid out. So the students in their chairs were clapping and one was dancing with me and another was too shy so he just stood there grinning. It was hilarious. I was doing some dance like a Russian kicking and clapping thing. Who knows what. Some children drew pictures for me. One boy is a good artist and he drew me. I was really happy. I am working with mildly learning disabled students. I fit in perfectly. They aren't quite sure yet where they will place me within the school; but I hope I get to stay where I am.
I must be at work at 8:00 a.m. This is very difficult since it takes over one hour to take two buses there. So I get up at 5:00. This has me really exhausted. Today I woke up with pain. I hope I don't have that again on Monday morning.
I started running the meeting again on Tuesday nights. I need the group. It helps me.