April 23, 2006

Snap, Crackle, Pop Goes my life

I am thrilled (I suppose) that I don't have cancer. I mean at least I don't have to go through chemo. I still have this cyst though and am in pain daily. The Dr. says to go in to have another ultrasound at the end of May to check it again. I would rather deal with it through supplements and nutrition than through a radical surgery. I plan on asking the dr. about natural progesterone cream. I am really thankful that my friends have been as supportive as they have been through all this. They have been quite concerned.

I saw Athena and Victor yesterday and Athena and I went to a big park together and rode the peddle boats. She had ice cream and played on the playground. We saw lots of birds and dogs. We rode the orange line which is a new bus way that runs through an old train route. Victor says that it reminds him of a worm because it is silver and has an extender in the center which looks like worm segments. It is able to twist to the left and the right with more mobility than a bus or a train. Athena really thought the orange line was fun. She would like to return to the park soon to roller skate. I told her that I would ride a bike while she skates. I had originally planned to go to the earth day festival but when we got there she said that she would rather go to the other park next door.

On Friday I saw my friend Tina and I went to Balboa Lake with her too. We walked the circumference of the large lake twice. We met in a day treatment program and say that we met in high school. We always do something for our birthdays since we celebrate them five days apart.

I don't think my friend and I are going to get the apartment together after all because we don't qualify by income. Maybe something else will come up though. I saw a mobile home for sale for $70,000. The payment would be around $400 per month; but then you must pay the space rent which can be $700 per month. So we would have to earn $3,300 per month total to qualify. I earn under $900 per month.

I am having some asthma but don't have an inhaler right now. I think I have maxed out my medi-cal plan this month. I thought I was supposed to have seen my shrink on last Wednesday; but it turns out that he skipped a week in scheduling me so I am seeing him on the fifth week instead of the fourth week. This caused a little snafu with my Lexapro and I had to see the nurse at the clinic to get an extension on that pill. The pharmacy is so chintzy. They only gave me enough to hold me through Wednesday. That means that Thursday I will go without. I read in the paper that the county of Los Angeles is cutting the mental health budget by $48,000,000. That really bites like a big dog. How does that mean we will fare getting our medications? What about therapy?

I see Fardin for coffee tomorrow and then off to therapy. Today I am not doing anything but listening to the radio and cleaning the house. Also, I have perusing the real estate online.

I picked up the application forms for the peer counseling class. I am planning on taking it. I will return the forms tomorrow or Tuesday. I saw online that the county pays 11.70-17.50 per hour for peer support positions. Since the course lasts until Fall I will have time to recuperate from the pain and all. The class is only Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3:00- 5:30. I did some research on the wages of Massage Therapists and found out that they don't earn that much. I don't want to add to my student debt if there are no jobs or low wages. The physical therapy assistant programs (an A.A. degree) are not offered in my area and the shorter program called pysical therapy aide doesn't qualify you to pass the state license. I was figuring the yearly salary of the peer counselor though and they don't even make enough to qualify me for that Housing and Urban Development apartment. For that two bedroom they wanted $31,000 per year.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 11:53 PM | Comments (1)

April 19, 2006

News from the Loony Bin

I have not gotten my test results back from the biopsy nor have I gotten the results of the blood test I took last Thursday. I am actually in a very good mood because I might have the opportunity to split a HUD apartment with my friend Christian. It is a two bedroom. I don't know much about it yet except the location. It is sort of near where I used to live. (two years ago) I received a call from the manager of the building asking if I was interested in a two bedroom. I had contacted her about a month ago to inquire about a three bedroom I saw listed in the newspaper. I didn't have enough people to rent it since you need at least one person per bedroom. My Mom must provide a letter stating that she contributes so much to my finances every month so that I can qualify. She is thinking it over. The rent would be between $800-$900 total per month. With Victor and I sharing a room we would split the rent by three and only pay $250-$300 per month. So I hope that it all falls into place. The three of us are scheduled to sign papers on Thursday to apply.

I will see my friend Ron for lunch tomorrow because it is his birthday. He is turning 59. At 1:00 I see Fardin for Starbuck's. Then I see the Dr. Shrink. On Thursday Ron is celebrating his birthday at a pizza place and I hope to go. It starts at 6:30 p.m. I think I talked Victor into going to the Earth Day world festival at Woodley Park on Saturday.

Last Sunday I saw my friend Wendy and we went to her house and chatted for a while. She is very positive and makes me laugh. She wants for the two of us to go to the beach and to museums via Access paratransit. So I was really happy about that. She has kidney damage from Lithium and must eat carefully or risk needing to have dialysis. I wanted to go to church on Easter night but wound up not going due to pain and fatigue. I am out of Motrin and really don't want to ask for more. I will probably call the pharmacy and ask if I can have a refill tomorrow.

On Saturday I travelled to No Ho(North Hollywood) Arts district on the busway and had some fun. I was originally trying to go to an art gallery there; but discovered that they are between shows. So I continued on to my next step which was paying off a $14 library fine. Then I checked out some books ( An Iyanla Van Zant book and a Healing Prayer book) I realized through reading a bit of the prayer book that I would really be interested in reading the book by Marianne Williams called A course in Miracles. Then I went to buy stamps at the P.O. I went to the machine because I hate to wait in line at the P.O. There is supposed to be a theatre festival there next month. I really would love to go. They have many venues to see live theatre and many of the short plays are free. I bought the coolest turqoise ring there last year.

Yesterday I did laundry and cleaned a bit. I only went out once for Teriyaki. Today I went to the Dollar Tree. Everything there is one dollar and my friend Wendy says it is like a Target, only cheaper. I bought some fun stuff and some necessary stuff. I walked there and caught the bus back. My day has been dull I suppose.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 02:08 AM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2006


Pardon me,
Is my poverty showing
like a slutty slip
hanging out of a
too tight/too short skirt
or does it stink:
does it smell of a
dead woman in a
garbage can
tossed away like
last night's road kill?
A casualty of American hypocrisy?
I am sorry for the sad state of the union.
In God we trust/
we trust in our trust funds.
We trust in Darwin's theory
of "survival of the fittest"
we trust that "God helps those
who help themselves."
And we trust that we are not
committing a holocaust
against out less-advantaged
Pardon me.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 03:21 AM | Comments (0)

April 13, 2006

The biopsy is taken care of

I went to get my biopsy on Tuesday, April 11. It was very painful. Don't let anyone tell you that it isn't. Today I fasted and did a blood test for my liver and also for cancer. I will know the results by next Tuesday. My doc thinks that there is no cancer because the sample he pulled out was small. (whatever that means) I am still sleepy. I got some Motrin from the dr. He told me to take Tylenol before the biopsy and that was like not taking anything.

I didn't get to attend the Getty Center event from LA Linkup. I was very disappointed. I had a lot of pain. I still would like to shoot the photo assignment and go to the other event I am signed up for.

Victor and I are together again. We had a misunderstanding. (Drama, huh.) I saw him and Athena his daughter Saturday and Sunday. I will probably see him today. Saturday or Sunday I will probably attend Easter service with Victor. They are having some labor dispute at the church that we go to. I have to learn more about it.

I am seeing my friend on Sunday. She is taking Access (paratransit) to my house around 11:00 a.m. and we will hang out here for a bit and then get another van back to her new apartment. This way I get to see her new place. She likes it a lot she says.

I had my friend Christian over for dinner again on Tuesday. We had cornish game hens. Today I am having my groceries delivered.

I would like to go to an earth day event in my area on Saturday the 22nd. They will have lots of bands, poetry, and food. On the 29th and 30th there is a festival of books sponsored by the L.A. Times that I would like to attend. I still would like to see Ashes and Snow at The Santa Monica Pier. That is an exhibit which runs through May. I am asking for that for my birthday. It has photography, videos and music of people and animals filmed together. If I can arrange it then I would also like to go to the San Antonio Winery. They have a good restaurant, I hear. I will be 37 this year.

I believe that I will be able to be more socially active once I am better physically. These last two years I have been restricted to just keeping the same friends and aquaintances from mental health organizations. I finally realize that I have been restricting myself. That is why I have not ventured out to new groups. I have been afraid to; but have also felt trapped by the medical problem I have been having.

I don't think that my friends and I will be able to rent my Mom's house because her partner will most likely be getting a new job locally which means that she will remain in the house.

There is a new peer counseling class opening up at the clubhouse in May that I could possibly attend. It lasts all summer. At least it would give me a direction. If I get better by Fall I might go back to school. I wouldn't mind finishing my B.A. or studying to be either a masseuse or a physical therapy assistant. I have dreamed of doing occupational therapy or physical therapy ever since I was hospitalized in 1992 and they had a symposium there at the facility on occupational therapy. That was my last hospitalization.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 11:30 PM | Comments (0)

April 07, 2006

Change of Heart

I decided not to move to Texas. My Mom thinks that she can assist me some more so that I can stay here. That is such a relief because I was really getting depressed at the prospect of leaving my home of 20 years. I have no friends in Texas and don't know the resources there. Mt mom wants me to visit her every two months or so.

My mom bought me a bus pass and so now I can get to my biopsy on Tuesday. I had to reschedule it. It is at 11:00 a.m. I called a so-called friend and asked for a ride to last Monday's biopsy appointment and she said she couldn't do it. I am in a lot of pain everyday now and feel very sleepy. My mom believes that even if there is no cancer that I will still need surgery.

My friend Fardin checked out a book for me from the public library on the Bahai faith. He is Bahai and I have expressed an interest in learning more about it. We had coffee on Wednesday. My friend Ron came by for a little while on Wednesday. That was nice. Then I went to eat Thai food with my Mom. Yesterday my friend Christian came to return cds and I made him dinner. Today I will most likely only be able to go to therapy. I should have gone to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy; but I am not up to it.

I signed up to go to a Link Up event on Sunday. We are supposed to meet at The Getty Center at 11:00 and have lunch. We will also go visit the galleries. I hope I am able to go. I also want to attend a meeting for a photography group which meets in West Hollywood to share the results of a photography assignment. This assignment is dreams. I thought I might show my aspirations in pictures. I must buy a battery for my camera.

My friend Christian thought it would be a cool thing if we could rent my Mom's house while she is in Texas. I started thinking about it and I think it would be a good idea. I don't know if she would go for it though. It would have to be 3-4 people though since I think her mortgage is high. Her house has 4 bedrooms. I don't know.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 09:21 PM | Comments (0)

April 02, 2006

Should I Leave?

I am considering moving to Texas with my mom in June. I honestly don't know how I can survive here any longer. My finances are all screwed up due to fraud on my checking account and Victor and I are breaking up. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to get a biopsy and I don't have any bus money. I am trying to reach my mom; but she is not answering.

Just for the heck of it I posted an ad on craigslist and I got a few interesting responses. One from Albania and another from Brussels, Belgium. I don't think I should really be meeting men right now though. Isn't there some limit to the time you must wait between relationships? Maybe I am too depressed right now or too stunned about not paying my rent.

I feel I have nothing left in California. If I have to have surgery then I will have it here and then I will leave. I thought I might return to Texas in my old age to be with my sisters and my neices; but I might go sooner.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)