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I started laughing after reading the latest comment on my blog. I really needed the feedback. I can see how bland I have been being lately on here. I sometimes wonder how much info anyone really wants on a particular subject. I don't want to be overly dramatic; but I think I am at times anyhow. Also, at times I believe that no one reads my blog. How much could a stranger actually relate to my world? Or what are the limitations of having a blog on schiz.com? I wonder if it is outrageous that I write about any and everything in the universe and often nothing related to mental illness. When I am face to face or on the phone with a human being then I am quite wordy and demonstrative. I also rely heavily on listening to others to understand where I am not communicating. So having said all that I am glad to know that you took the time to ask a few questions about one of my blogs.
About my ex. I met him when I was 19 and he was 24. We met at a dance club. I should have explained that I was quite suspicious about him calling me after not having spoken to him for 12 years. The first thing I thought is this guy is going to hate how fat I have become. So I sent him a photo online and he wrote back: nice lips. So he asked to meet me at a Starbuck's in North Hollywood and he was 45 minutes late. It was a Sunday and he said that he had been working at a church. He works the P.A. system etc. So that made me feel desperate. Why was this guy late when he had set the meeting? I was sitting getting a sunburn and because I was facing the window I could see the reflection of my body in a chair and that was depressing in and of itself. I felt like a fool because I just knew that he had come by, seen me, and gone home. It felt like a blind date.
So he came and we laughed and shared our accomplishments and losses. At one point he leaned in and said "Do we have any loose ends to tie up?" I kind of lost my mind for a moment and said "Is this a 12 step thing or something? He had no clue what I was referring to and I explained that there is a step where you make amends to all those you have wronged. He said "no, but I know you got mad about something and wouldn't speak to me anymore". I remeinded him of the time when we were young and another woman did an emergency breakthrough on his line and told me he was hers.
Later on after we discussed my failed marriage and his long term relationship that fell apart we grew tired and I had to go home. He offered me a ride and finally I accepted. On the way to the car he asked how my ovarian pain was. He also asked if I still get my "monthly thing". I told him yes and we went on to discuss other things. I only mention that because upon further examination of that question I thought that that was a very queer question. So I began to wonder if he only looked me up so that he could find someone to have a baby with. I started to panic because I probably won't be having my own children. Also, I am hoping for a surgery and then there will be no more chances of that happening. So that is one reason the relationship might not work.
Another thing is the race issue. He is African Amercian and I am Caucasian and when we first dated he never introduced me to his parents. I got the feeling he wasn't sure how they would feel about my race.
The relationship could work because politically we think alike and we like to go do cultural things. Also, we have both been working in the teaching profession.
He doesn't have a clue about my mental illness. And I will leave it that way for a while. He came along before the monster did. I am thrilled that he was absent while I suffered so much.
About the Salvation Army. Yeah, I shop there because I have a poor income. I actually find a lot of designer clothes there that have been gently used. This most recent trip where I got a 50% discount I found a pair of red capris from Chicos that are just the right size. They look brand new. I also found a pair of kahki knee length pants from Lane Bryant. I found a nice flowery gauzy top and a little blue paisley sleeveless blouse. I also discovered a black short nighty that is brand new. I am a quirky, odd person but I don't have to dress like it.
I appreciate the comments. I wrote Lonny and haven't had a return response. I enjoy reading what people write.
I went to a new ob gyn on Wednesday. She gave me Tylenol with Codeine. Victor picked it up at the pharmacy for me; but neglected to tell me that the pharmacist had said not to take the regular Tylenol with it. It seemed to work better yesterday. Today I am very drowsy. She told me to go to a hospital to have an ultrasound; so I scheduled one for Monday. She is on oxygen so I hope she can perform surgery.
Victor came back. I am dubious about it though. Maybe there is too much drama. He is not being supportive about the pain.
I was supposed to have taken my Mom, Laura, and my cousin Lori to a comedy show and couldn't do it. The pain has worsened.
Tuesday I went to ups and downs and they want me to be a cofacilitator with a friend of mine. So hopefully I can do this.
I was asked if I'd like to speak at my Mom's retirement dinner and I said that I would. I have the idea that I will give her a "resume" for the rest of her life. She will have skills, attributes, experience, and education. I will include things that normally are not associated with a job like her political party experience, experience with studying language in Costa Rica and Mexico, and working in an all male industry as a railroad engineer.
I went to see my friend Annie yesterday at her board and care. We went to a Denny's and had dessert. I was telling Annie about a place I learned of where they help you exercise. It is physical therapy I suppose. They have a pool and you get to do aqua aerobics there. My friend Tish said that Medi-cal pays for it if a Dr. refers you. They have a van that picks you up at your house. So I am hoping that we can all go. I am also trying to get Access and citiride for Annie. She is not as mobile as she once was and I would love to have a swimming party at my Mom's house sometime in July. I am concerned that she can't take the buses as easily anymore. I have known her since 1996 I think.
I am looking for an apartment again. I found one for $700 and another for $775. Those seem to be the cheapest prices around. I think it would be so cool if I could pay my entire rent out of my ssi check. My Mom doesn't know yet; but I will tell her today.
I saw my ex boyfriend over the weekend and it went well. We shall see what happens. He is going away to Virginia for a month.
Today out of the blue an old friend called. I thought she wasn't speaking to me anymore; but she was just in a depression. She asked me to go to the meeting near me for bipolar people tonight. So I am quite thrilled about that.
I went to the library Saturday and looked for a new book by Amy Tan but couldn't locate it. The librarian tried to help me but she couldn't find it either. The computer said that they had it so I made a special trip to that location. After that I went to the Salvation Army where they had a banner that said everything was 50% off. I bought $20 worth of clothing.
I decided to take my Mom to a improv comedy show this weekend. It is her birthday tomorrow and of course mother's day is Sunday. I have three Mom's so I will celebrate three times as much.
I feel really good today after a hard morning. I was able to go open a new bank account today. The new branch I went to had high security and a different sort of a layout. Each the tellers stood behind a little counter with a computer and a register on it. They were not behind glass. It is hard to explain. Anyhow it was a positive experience. There were not a lot of people and the staff was very polite.
Magician
He says the snow globe
made him feel like a magician.
But I feel he lives within the glass dome
where he creates his own magic
and I am chipping away at the galaxy
of his planet;
unable to make contact
like a poor person
who admires the Christmas gifts at Macy's
from the sidewalk window;
beginning to understand
that there will be no gifts this year.
He likes to juggle oranges like a clown
but internally he struggles
to hide his fear
and looking at him
I see me
fourteen years ago
as I broke,
spiralling and crashing.
I want to warn him
to take a different path;
but this is beyond our control.
So I release the notion to protect
as I eject away
from his magic.
This Burka
A spiderweb
hangs about me
like a fish net
used to tame a shark
It slows me down
and makes life blurry.
I am trapped for life
by laws
not imposed upon
the ordinary citizen.
I swallow tiny pills all day
or I risk the penalty
of a locked ward
with predators
and scary nurses
with long hypodermics.
These pills protect society;
(they don't fool me)
but I know of their toxicity.
They prefer a slow execution over
a quick suicide.
I went to the emergency room on Wednesday because the nurse at Olive View Medical Center OB/GYN clinic told me to go there to get a referral to her clinic. I had to wait four and a half hours to see a dr. in the walk-in clinic. They make you wait with the emergency people so that they can register you. It takes about an hour to wait to be seen by a nurse to tell your problem and then a few more hours to check in and be triaged. So I got a referral to OB/GYN. I didn't explain that the reason I went to olive View (a county facility)is because I cornered my Dr on Tuesday and asked what he thought of a hysterectomy. He stated frankly that he didn't have the time to submit the paperwork to Medi-Cal which is state health aid. He said that they in all likelihood would deny the first attempt and then possibly even continue denying it indefinitely. So he said go to UCLA hospital; but they don't accept Medi-cal. So therefore I went to the zoo of a place called Olive View. It sits in the hills sourrounding the valley where I live. There was actually a nice view of the mountains there and it was a foggy day so it was quite pretty. But I'll tell you that I was quite upset about being triaged when all I needed was a referral. There was no working water fountain and there were not enough chairs to accomodate all of the sick people. For two hours I sat outside where I could still hear the loud speaker when I was called in. They have a metal detector to enter the emergency room which slows down everything and creates a military like situation. I was given two perscriptions for pain meds which include Motrin and Tylenol. Someone tell me why I needed to get those by perscription. Well anyway I took about three of each today and became really sick to my stomach. I can take four of each per day. I spent the majority of my day today in bed. I have been having worse than normal (excruciating) pain for a week. I finally bought an electric heating pad and it helped some. Needless to say or maybe necessary to say I haven't been able to make it to my class this week. I must call and bow out. I am frustrated as hell.
I guess Victor and I are officially finished. He has not called in about a week. He missed my birthday. He went to get assessed at a mental health clinic a week ago. He filled out paperwork and made an appointment to see a dr. So I honestly don't know what to say.
I got a call from my first love who I dated when I was 19. I sent him a photo online so that he would not have unrealistic expectations of me having my 19 year old body. (LOL) I last saw him when I was 24 or 25. I don't know what he thought of the photo yet. He said (when he called yesterday)that he would call me Saturday in the a.m. and we would set up a meeting for the afternoon. We are supposed to meet in Hollywood. That was my favorite hangout when I was younger. We are going to meet at The Pantages Theatre. We live far from one another right now so this is an o.k. place to meet up. I'm giddy but don't know what his expectations are.
Today I walked to a new Starbucks in my area which happens to be a ghetto. You could call it a slum or the barrio too if you please. I've written of this before. The characters one finds here are quite unusual. I live near my m.h. clinic so I often see the druggies and alcoholics (who utelize the services of the same facility)sprawled out on the sidewalk in my path as I come and go. Because of the gangs near the new Starbucks there is a police enforced curfew. I had never heard of such a thing except in an emergency situation; but there is this sign bigger than Dallas stating it there. They are doing their best to spruce it up though. I am hoping for a book store to go into the new phase of the mall there. Anyhow, I was quite proud of myself for finally pulling myself together and taking the bus a few miles down there. Then I walked back after I got my coffee. I was hoping to get a copy of the CD "Possibilities" by Herbie Hancock but this store didn't have it stocked. That is what I want to buy my Mom for her birthday on the 10th of May. It was quite a nice day for a walk as there is sun and a little breeze.
Thanks for writing a response to my blog. I appreciate knowing that someone is reading these words. I had my 37th birthday on Saturday the 29th of April. I saw my Mom for breakfast at Cocoa's (where we always eat the cinnamon French toast combo)and then she took me on a shopping spree at the 99 cent store. I bought some drinking glasses, a pair of kitchen scissors, a wall mirror, some tuna, some red bell peppers, some foccaccia bread, some raspbery lotion, some mascara, some earrings and a matching necklace, some hair clips, and a donkey. (just joking) Then I met a friend at the Jewish women's council thrift store and we found cool stuff.I bought a couple of vases, and some really cute black velvet thongs with a flower attached between the toes. We also went to Goodwill nearby where I purchased some skirts, a cd carrier, and a book. Down the street a bit we found a store where the skirts were $5.99 apiece. I bought a pink one that is sort of a marbled velvet.
On Sunday my Mom and Laura took me to The L.A. Times book Festival at UCLA. We all had a blast! We split up and went to different panels. My Mom and I went to a Creative Nonfiction panel together and later I went to a poetry panel. My Mom and Laura read a lot of mysteries so they went to two or three of those seminars. While they were inside I went to the poetry tent where I was fortunate enough to get to hear a deaf Russian poet read. Since he had a bit of an accent he passed out his book and we followed along by reading. His work was fascinating and his voice was magnificent. He practically sung his poetry. He spoke very loud with a Russian Jewish accent. His writing is so intelligent and he writes in a much more educated and experienced way than I do. I went to the Bodhi tree book store tent which is a store that sells metaphysical books. I bought a couple of books for $4. There was a man there playing singing bowls and telling people which chakra the sound was helping. It was quite soothing.
Tomorrow I start my course in peer counseling. I am happy that I have that to look forward to now. The teacher said he thought that I would be a great asset to the class since I was in school as recently as 2003 and I have my A.A. degree. He asked if I thought that I would want to finish my degree in Human Services. That was really pretty exciting. I am planning on taking a course this summer in Psychology. It covers the entire life span. It is only on Saturdays from 8:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. This way I only have to be there one day. Other courses require 5 days a week from 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. I actually had wanted to take Spanish; but this is a better situation for me.
I hope to convince my Dr. to give me a hysterectomy by Fall. That is my goal. I will tell him that I am completely hysterical and that is my only hope for sanity. That if he doesn't believe me that he can read my blog. (Yawn) People are very thrilled that there was no evidence of cancer and it is hard to explain that there really is still something wrong. So I walk like I'm fragile and maybe look slightly pregnant (like penguin balancing its egg); but that is the only way I can get around these days.