State of Mind: June 2005 Archives

June 25, 2005


My cousin who is into alternative therapies came to my place in the morn and saw the numerous books by Krishnamurti that my sis had got for me. He then told me how Sri Sri Ravishankar once said that "why is he going around doing the job of a Master when he has renounced the postion he was given as a Master to lead the people on the right path". It struck me that there was something not correct in Sri Sri's statement.

Krishnamurti renounced the postion of the Master as the theosophists had predicted of his coming, along with the money and foundation that had been built for him. He then went around the whole world giving talks. According to Sri Sri, that's what made him a Master. But isn't that what everyone does? Isn't everyone trying to help everyone out, help them in becoming better beings, to realize the Truth? It is the work of every individual to enlighten the people in the ways they percieve as being the guiding light. Doesn't that make everyone the Master. That makes the whole world Master's of themselves and of others. It makes me wonder why Sri Sri made the above statement. What comes to my mind is that a lot of spiritual leaders, including Sri Sri, try to make people followers of their preachings. They try to make them do what they preach in order to attain enlightenment. However, Krishnamurti realized the trap in such a belief as everyone is trying to 'become' something that they are not, or change something that they were. He realized that the only way to spread love, to gain happiness, peace, solace, is to 'free your mind', and the way to do it is to free your mind of time. It's the psychological time he talks about. Peace then comes instantly, in every moment, not after practicing some meditation, or doing yoga. After all, true leaders don't make followers, they make more leaders.

Posted by puzli at 08:41 AM | Comments (3)

June 19, 2005


Another line that my cousin used while guiding me through the hypnosis was something like “you will achieve success…” It made me wonder how different people define success. For some, success is when people accumulate loads of wealth, for others, its when they accumulate loads of knowledge. More people may define it as when they apply that knowledge towards attaining the invention of a revolutionary product or starting of a revolutionary way of thought. However, there is still something missing in the above definition that is one of the foremost criteria of how I define success (as it formed in my mind during my early days of psychosis), and what I believe it should be. That criteria is that one is successful when one performs the best one can under a given circumstance, the circumstance including the ‘state of mind’ (as I put it) of the person and the people he/she is interacting with. It not only includes the person, but also the environment around him, how it reacts to what he/she does. In a sense, it is a holistic view that I incorporate here in my definition of success. Since we can never be separated from our surroundings, and in essence we are more than just the sum of our surroundings (emergent properties as Darwin had put it), it seems to make sense to me. After going through so many episodes of psychosis and phases of alternating depression, where I lost out on my academics, my friends, time, money, and life in whole, ultimately it all comes down to how I made the best of life in those circumstances. Any other major illness, and especially schizophrenia, teaches us how to deal with life in the worst possible cases. We cannot live life as we please, but we can at least do the best we can, and not regret it, for the circumstances were such that it couldn’t have been otherwise. That’s how I find my solace at the end of the day, even when nothing goes my way.

In one way, the best we can do cannot be defined concretely, and so, considering the many options we are presented with in a circumstance, we would only have made the specific choice because our mind-body connection would have allowed only that, and thus the Hindu saying "what has to happen, will happen" basically reflecting fate. I may sometimes sound contradictory as to whether believe in a reductionist approach, which genetics seems to show the way, or believe in a holistic paradigm, of which I am totally amazed with, but this contradiction is still unsolved by me. So carry on reading :)

Posted by puzli at 05:07 AM | Comments (8)

June 18, 2005


I had gone to my aunt’s place today where my cousin was also present. He and his wife are really into holistic and spiritual treatment options. My cousin has done various courses including Art of Living, Reiki (in which he is a master), and hypnotism.

My sister-in-law has done a course on acupressure, and tried it on me. My kidney point was aching, so there’s apparently some problem there. She told me to keep on pressing it, and the problem, whatever it is, will go away. They do not know that I have schizophrenia, and at this point, I don’t intend to tell them. So I asked her, is their a point for every organ of the body right from the brain to the toe? And she replied that there is. I then asked her which was the point for the brain, and she started explaining it to me. Interestingly, when I pressed the brain point, there was no pain, indicating that I didn’t have any problem. I would not argue that acupressure doesn’t work at all and is a hoax, for my mom, who has had water retention in her feet since the past 30 years got rid of it within a week. However, there still doesn’t seem to be any consistent method to detect schizophrenia, let aside treating it. None in any medical system that is presently available.

Later during the day, my cousin told me to lie down on the bed so that he could hypnotize me. I was hesitant and refused, for I had heard that it is dangerous for schizophrenics to be hypnotized and applied past life regression upon them. He asked me what I would like to improve in myself, so that he could apply that hypnotic technique so that my subconscious starts working in the same direction. He explained to me what I had forgotten – hypnosis is a state of deep relaxation, in which the person remains awake, but goes into the alpha state, where the subconscious becomes active. So I finally agreed, though to sit through it instead of lie down, and he guided me slowly into the state of deep relaxation, while I visualized what he spoke. And I must say that I haven’t felt this good since my first major delusional episode. I had read “The Bourne Identity” by Robert Ludlum 6 years ago, and I started believing that I was the assassin Jason Bourne, and my own people, people whom I loved, were going against me, trying to kill me, and the girl whom I had a crush on was my lover, and my adversaries were after her too, to kill her, so I had to protect her. That’s when everything my parents said made my heart beat faster, my breath shallower, my pulses racing, my muscles tensing…And today I felt as relaxed as I used to before those times. And I smiled the same wide smile the way I did earlier.

However, this was possible because I didn’t have the constant voices telling me that people were actually trying to harm me, and that is the only reason why I could relax and go into the deep meditative state, even as those thoughts of realization of my past flashed through my mind.

Posted by puzli at 04:01 PM | Comments (2)

June 17, 2005

Free your mind!

A realization that dawned on me today answered the question as to why I had such a speedy recovery as soon as I was put on medication, and why I hadn’t been able to function as well after the several relapses following it.

The first thing I did during my suicidal time, a time when the voices were shouting at me to kill myself, was to accept what the voices were saying and obey their commands. It was also a time where a new hope dawned on me. When I was hospitalized during that time, and I became conscious, the voices started telling me to check whether the drip they were giving me was actually a sedative to prevent me from running away from my adversaries. And I obediently followed the question to obtain the answer from my sister, the only one I trusted then. As I began the medication, the voices had almost stopped, and at the times they still told me to ‘get out of here’, I replied back that ‘I don’t want to go back there. Go back in the same hell…[so fuck off]’. And that worked pretty well. However, it is not that easy to keep away the voices. It was only the miracle of the meds that kept the voices at bay, enough to get a control on my life and my thoughts. The meds had in no way removed the conditioning of all those previous years of what I had experienced and believed, no, they were not the cure of my reality. It was only later on, slowly, when I got to know about my illness that I started piecing the parts, fitting them into a giant 4D holograph - reflecting everything when light fell on one part, an interconnectedness between space and time.

The time after that was one of battling the loneliness, despair, depression, when I asked myself every second, ‘Who am I? Why did it happen? What is the truth?’ And slowly I recovered, tilting the holograph on its axis, illuminating parts of my life in new light, but the demons of my own creation were starving. The time came again when I fell into a relapse. One of the biggest mistakes I made, anyone could make, was to heed the voices and start a conversation with them, just to keep away the loneliness. I would talk it all out with myself, and wait for answers to present themselves. It’s the biggest mistake. Even the meds couldn’t, and never can correct this. We have to allow our minds to remain silent. Even if the voices keep on coming, we have to remain silent. It’s the same mistake I have been making, and it’s a product of my compulsions too. I would keep on singing the songs, even when they weren’t there on their own. I would start singing them to keep some voices in my mind, for I had become so used to them that I missed them. I needed my brain to be filled with a pointless cacophony. And then the real troubles start. As soon as the voices start coming back, the songs take on a new meaning, a newer dimension, an elevated status. The songs turn into the very messiahs of my reflection.

You have to remain silent….Breathe! Free your mind!

Posted by puzli at 09:48 AM | Comments (7)

June 16, 2005

I am the meat I feed the beast...

I had mentioned in an earlier mail of mine how my symptoms had started when I was 11. Later, I realized that those were not symptoms of schizophrenia, but more of OCD, as the songs kept on playing in my mind over and over again. The same thing has been happening over the past couple of years. I used to carry my cd player around everyday when I was completely psychotic. I used to listen to it the whole day, even in school, while bunking classes. The same sequence of songs kept on going in my player, and in my mind. I used to keep on repeating those songs over and over again in my head and in my player. However, I just remembered one barely noticeable difference between those times and the times the songs played in my head when I was 11. It was not that I was not compulsive about listening to them. The one new demon that emerged out of it in my head was that the songs conveyed messages to me. Prophecies that only I understood. And every time the songs repeated, they gave me a newer meaning, a greater strength, a crazier madness. But the madness brought with it a maddening fear, a fear of the nothingness, a fear of what is and what can be, a fear of what should be and what shouldn’t be, of what will be…The choices it presented me stultified me to the core. I was the One, but rendered ineffective as every second progressed, a failure amongst my own people, a failure that would eventually destroy me by my own people, a failure to the honor of being chosen. “I am the meat I feed the beast….” Unleashing hell, not on the earth, not me, it couldn’t be, couldn’t be me, for I was the chosen One, but hell within me, destroying my own soul, though I didn’t realize it, the world I saw was made by the poison in me. I cried till I couldn’t anymore, numbness engulfing me, numbness in the pain, numbness of the forgotten glory, but no numbness in fear…it multiplied with stupefying speed, adding exponentially to the pain that I didn’t feel, gnawing my way from the inside, my outsides caving in, with the numbness, that’s how I felt…

Posted by puzli at 03:34 PM | Comments (0)

Said for me and me alone...

A couple of days ago, on the day of my last exam, I told one of my friends that I would go give the viva with her as she knew everything (including other people in her group) and the examiner would give better marks to the whole group. And the sarcastic response I got was something like, "Yeah, sure. I know everything! I study all the time. (damn man)..." Interestingly, that's the same kind of response I got from my friends in the earlier years. Hmmm...makes me wonder who's wrong...any opinions? Maybe, it shouldn't be viewed in terms of right or wrong. Maybe "what was said was for me and for me alone. What was said was what I needed to hear..." (That's a parallel revelation of mine with 'The Matrix') :)

Posted by puzli at 01:22 PM | Comments (2)

June 14, 2005

Paranoid once more...and hopefully the last time

After a long time, I got paranoid yesterday. It was not due to the autobiography (since I didn't do any of it yesterday). Here's what happened....I had been thinking of asking this girl out for coffee over the past couple of days, and yesterday, I started having thoughts that I shouldn't tell anyone about this. It is to be kept secret. No one should know! I started feeling paranoid like I did about my crush in school whom I supposedly communicated with, without talking (believing that she understood my silent actions and reactions and that she communicated with me too). Even she was to be protected, as people were trying to harm her...

I believe it was due to continously listening to all those songs I used to listen to when I used to be completely paranoid, with a little push from the autobiography side too.

But now I'm doing well, after realizing yesterday's condition, and am certainly planning to start writing, though at whatever pace suits me with frequent breaks in which I will hopefully read Krishnamurti :)

Posted by puzli at 01:44 PM | Comments (2)

June 13, 2005

Write or Not?

I had thought of starting writing an autobiography. I started working on it, and my mom saw me getting tired and tense, something that usually happens when I'm not well. So I stopped working on it on her advice. But then I wanted to work on something spiritual and she told me not to do that either. Humph!
So I started thinking what to do as my hols have almost started. Well, then I had a talk with my mom and she told me that you can do it as long as your health remains alright. So I've started working on the autobiography :) But I've definitely started feeling a bit tired, though I think I can handle the strain by doing my meditation regularly, something that I did during my whole set of exams. I want your opinions on whether I should continue or not...

Posted by puzli at 12:31 PM | Comments (3)

June 09, 2005

The Nutcase

The other day I was in the bus with 2 friends. One of them said that I'm a Cancerian and that's why I am a nutcase, and that is why the other friend's brother is also a nutcase. This simple comment to lighten the mood up didn't shake me. Well not as much as what happened next. The other friend whose brother was pointed out as a nutcase got extremely angry, shouting that "my brother isn't a nutcase!" It shows how much stigma is still attached to the mentally ill, with more than enough names given to them ranging from nutcase, off-his-bonkers, plain and simple crazy. There's still research being done to find out how the brain works, and as some people believe, the stigma cannot be removed until a cure is found for mental illnesses...Hmmm, I wonder if that is really true...

Posted by puzli at 01:10 PM | Comments (48)

June 06, 2005

Exams over...phew :D

My exams are over and they went well :D I'm hoping to clear all my exams this semester.

Another thing that I realized during this period is about how I told my friend that I didn't like Linkin Park as their lyrics were too sadistic. And he told me that "even bands you listen to - Metallica and Disturbed and Godsmack's lyrics are sadistic", and it confused me..."what was it that made me think these songs were so cool, not sadistic?"..."I realize now that these songs had a hidden meaning in them for me, and became inspiring. “…and how can I forget hope, yes, hope”…”crackle dawn/all is gone except the will to be…” (for whom the bell tolls). They told me about life around me, the people around me, how they would act and react, my own personal conditioning that this illness gave me...deception and deceit, mental torture, silent screams, a harrowing numbness with all the voices, it was all too real to be counted as unreal, all within me, no one could look inside me, even though I could read their minds, successfully interpret their actions, directed towards the one and only mission - "to destroy", "when in doubt, kill". Those words from "Rambo" were my guiding light, something that gave me strength, even more so, invoked a heightened sense of fear of what they could do, getting me down to this nothingness, "feeling nothing"...”take a look to the sky just before you die/it’s the last time you will...”

Posted by puzli at 10:13 AM | Comments (4)