July 29, 2006

Been There Done That

I went to San Diego for two nights and three days. We went to the Gas Lamp District where they have a lot of restaurants and nightlife and I had a piece of baklava that was really good. They gave us a free sample of chocolate at Girhardellis chocolate store. I am sure I mispelled the G chocolate store but you get the drift. We also went to Balboa Park and went to a couple of museums. We went to a photo exhibit by women photographers and all three took photos of war amongst other subjects. Then we went to the Mingue Museum which is a folk art museum there. We saw an exhibit on carnival and how it is celebrated in countries around the world. The mood there was joyful as they had videos showing actual footage from places like Rio, Switzerland, Bolivia, and Africa with music and dancing. We also found a pier one imports outlet store where I found a table top for 5 dollars. It has a neat tapestry with beads at the center. I must find a table that it fits on. I also got a colorful door mat with woven strips of cloth and a red and white glass vase. I went into a shop that sells cards and gag things and found a card that asks does your job suck, are you in debt? etc. Then take ****itol. It has a picture of a pill capsule that looks like Prozac. I got it for my friend.

I went to Venice Beach today with my friend Annette to meet up with some other members of Project Return: The Next Step; but we could not find them. We walked for a while and then my friend said she was too hot and we came home. We were gone and total of two hours and it took 20 minutes to travel there one way. Although I wished that we could have stayed longer; I did get to buy a pretty pink Indian blouse with some beads sown around the chest area. It was only $12 because they were having a closeout and it was 50% off the regular price.

My sister is going home on Monday and I will probably see her tomorrow. I might invite my family over tomorrow for dessert and that way they can meet my friend Annette.

I am considering just dropping the idea of the jazz concert unless I can find someone to go with. So far no one is taking me up on the offer. I would hate to sit down there by myself.

I grew a little sad the other night as I thought of Athena my ex-boyfriend Victor's daughter. I think she needed me and I needed her; but I guess I have no way to see her again.

Did I mention the concept of the spiritual emergency? That is what Annette told me she read about and it refers to psychosis. I agree with that term. I really love it. I think that we are having a spiritual crisis when we go mad. Life becomes unmanagable and we seek higher ground. I wonder if anyone else agrees with this.

I checked out a cd of Pandit Shiv Kumar Sharma from the library and it is so beautiful and relaxing. I can imagine a waterfall or a fountain as I hear the bells.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 08:52 PM | Comments (1)

July 26, 2006

Beautiful Possibilities

I went to The Getty Center on Saturday night with Will and we saw a couple of bands. There was a klezmer band and also a Latin rock band. We walked around the gardens and watched lightning firing across the sunset sky from high up on the mountainside overlooking L.A. Will had never been there before so he said he would like to return. After that we went to In and Out Burger and came to my house to eat it. We talked until 1:30 and finally he peeled himself up and left. We were both sleepy by then.

On Sunday I saw my sister and we went to dinner at a Teriyaki place by me and then we went to see Lady in the Water. We both really enjoyed it. There was a mentally ill man in there that had a pretty important part. It was a character which was given dignity and intelligence. He seemed to suffer from depression if not more and to possibly be agorophobic. Anyway after I went to the movie we went to eat dessert.

On Monday I saw my friend Shadowy Fred Fardin and we went to eat pizza and the to the central library downtown. It is a huge place and I am in awe of it. It is 4 or 5 stories and is quite modern. I got some videos and cds. I also got a book about art towns in America. It is very good. It tells you the best towns to live in or just to visit according to their culture and other things like weather and cost of living. I also got a cookbook by Rachel Ray.

I forgot to mention something which made me quite happy (ecstatic actually) which is that Will asked me to move with him to Virginia. I never considered that a place that I wanted to move to before; but now I am getting excited about leaving here. His Grandma left his Dad a house and Will is considering living there. He is also considering moving to Washington State. Either way I am excited. That is why I got the book on art towns.

Tomorrow I am going to San Diego in the morning and will return on Thursday evening. I am going with family. On Saturday we will go to Venice Beach and then Tuesday to hear jazz at Hollywood and
Highland. On August 6 my friend Annette and I will go to the Skirball museum to see an American music festival. I may go to visit Will on Thursday August 4th for the art walk in San Pedro.

I got a letter from Americorps and they asked which Homeless Veterans location I wanted them to send my application to. I guess I could apply and then decide later whether or not I want the job. I really don't know which location I will be living in yet.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 04:13 AM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2006

Wow 111 degrees!

It is so hot here today. I just went past the electronic Mcdonald's sign and it said that the temperature is 111! I just returned from an advisory board meeting downtown and it was like a sauna in there. There was no air conditioning. It was like hell. They let us go early. I feel pretty good though despite it all. I got paid. I am considering making my meeting more social. On August 1 we are going to meet at Hollywood and Highland (a mall) to hear jazz and taste wine alfresco. I am going to ask the members if they would mind if we do two meetings per month off site or in other words away from the clinic. On July 29th my area's groups are going to Venice Beach for the day. I invited my sister who is visiting from Texas.

Next week my family and I are going to San Diego for a couple of days. That should be fun.

I am not going to the clinic I have been getting treatment for mental illness anymore. Instead I will contact some private practitioners for treatment.

In September they are having a memorial for the mental patients who died while living at state hospitals and were buried in mass graves. It will be held at Metropolitan Community Hospital in Norwalk, California. I was thinking that maybe in addition to this we should do a public demonstration to protest poor treatment in institutions of mental disease as they are often called here.

My friend wants to purchase a house and I am going to walk her through the process. I attended a seminar on grants and special loans for low income or disabled people and I am going to go to the appointment with her at the mortgage lender to get her prequalified. She is in a depression and needs some assistance with it. She owns a mobile home and wants a ranch house with a pool. She actually asked if I would go in on the house with her and I agreed; but upon further consideration I realized that my income is insufficient to be of use to her in her purchase. I might rent a room from her though if it seems like the right thing to do later. I would take great satisfaction in helping her because she is so depressed where she lives now. She lives near a freeway and she must scrub the pollution off of the walls. Her daughter has asthma and the situation is unmanagable. I think her condition would improve if her surroundings changed. She is the one with the dr. that had her overmedicated. He recently cut back her meds and she is a bit more animated now. If it is permitted I would like her and her daughter to Big Bear with Project Return in September. If I had a friend there it would be so much more fun. Last time I went I felt very lonely.

I can't seem to get up off my duff and go register for classes for Fall semester. I need 6 more units of child development so that I can work in a preschool. Actually I could work in one now with no units; but I would be an aide not a teacher. The aide job pays $11 per hour to start. If you begin with 12 units you earn $12 to start. If you have your units + some experience you earn more. I think it pays 2,700 per month. I need a push. Someone to weigh the pro and cons with would help too. If I just took courses including a cooperative education course I could volunteer and still earn units and the required experince for the teacher position. There are so many options I just get bewildered. It is hard to find the impetus to begin. I don't know if the americorps thing is the right way to go.

I am going to have a swimming party in August probably August 6th. I want to confirm with my mom to be sure the date works for her. I want to BBQ turkey burgers and have general picnic food.

I would really love to get to go to The Getty Center tonight to see the last concert in their summertime concert series. I am trying to hook up with Will tonight for that.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 10:07 PM | Comments (0)

July 17, 2006

Long Week

I got a call from Victor's dad and he told me that he had received a letter from the city and he needed to talk to Victor. So I realized that I had received the same letter and went to open it. It said that Victor is due to appear in court on Monday on Battery charges. It was related to a girlfriend, mother of his child or a live-in relationship. It was a vague statement about the penal code. I couldn't figure out what this meant. He hadn't physically hurt me. So then I remembered that I had told my therapist that he had stolen money from me. I still don't know for sure; but I have a feeling that she reported this and maybe this is why he is headed to court tomorrow. I researched the penal code noted in the letter and it stated that he could receive 6 months in jail or simply serve time on parole and pay victim's restitution.

I haven't felt safe in my house since I received the letter. I thought: What if he gets angry about this and comes to retaliate? I think he is in the hospital; but he called yesterday from a Phoenix Arizona cell phone number. That could mean that he is in Phoenix or maybe he is borrowing someone else's cell phone. I am feeling paranoid. I keep looking over my shoulder in my apartment. He said on the phone that he knows now that what he did was wrong. He said he feels better and knows that he must appear in court tomorrow. That was about all he said. I thought that when he left last Tuesday night that I wouldn't hear from him again. I haven't told my Mom this because she has my relatives visiting and I don't want to upset her. I want to call my therapist tomorrow and ask her if she reported and if she knows anything about the case. Of course she doesn't have to tell me anything so she may deny knowing anything.

So I have been taking Trazadone to sleep. Lately I have mostly been at home. I went to the clubhouse for a while on Thursday. When I went I was depressed and when I left my depression had grown worse. Friday I was suppose to see Will but he didn't bother to call to cancel until late in the day. So that was bad for my mood. I went to the library and rented a video and checked out a book. Then on Saturday I didn't leave my apartment except to get my mail. Today I waited for Will's call until 1:30 and then left. He had said he would call in the morning but didn't. We were supposed to meet in North Hollywood and have coffee then go downtown on the redline subway and see a salsa concert. So he came all the way down and didn't call until 2:30 when he was already on the subway. I don't have a cell phone and I didn't get home until 3:30. Then I called his cell and I left an apologetic message. I haven't heard from him since. I wrote him an e-mail though and kissed up to him. We shall see what happens. I feel deflated.

Tonight my friend Julie asked me to go to City Walk with her. We went and it was at least some diversion. It took us out of our houses and we forgot our troubles for a bit. City Walk is the place I call a mall on acid. It is outdoors and has lots of loud music blasting and lots of neon signs and people everywhere. There are smells of incense from the zen store where you can get a massage and cotton candy and expensive homemade soap. She bought some crocs (these plastic shoes shaped like clogs) and a t-shirt with the 70's 7-up logo on it. I was looking for a place to buy a frozen yogurt but couldn't find one there. We oggled all the babies and checked wallets at Fossil. We became bored and she took me to a place to buy a chocolate yogurt.

Tomorrow I am going to my Mom's house at 10:00 a.m. to swim and lounge with my relatives. That will probably be relaxing.

Today I went to the thrift store where they have the dollar bin on Sundays. I bought 8 $1 items. Some are for my friend Wendy who asked me to shop for her when I find cute stuff her size that is cheap. So I can spend 1-5 dollars per item up to ten dollars. She pays me 1 dollar each time I shop for her. Since she is smaller than I am I can find things in her size more often than my size. I also bought a tank top that says rock n roll in sequins for my cousin and a little t-shirt that says ABBA for my 4 year old neice who loves to sing Dancing Queen. For myself I bought a thick green sweater that is very fluffy and a pair of warm boots. I figure I can stock up for Fall and Winter now. I also got three pretty blouses for myself out of the $1 pile. Two are made by Karen Scott. One is yellow and the other one is coral color. The third is a white peasant blouse with ebroidered ribbon and lace around the top. I got some Monet notecards for $2. Except for the fiasco with Will this was the best day in a week.

I received a flyer about a job with the city that I had requested to be notified about. It is clerk typist. It pays 31,000 -42,000 per year. That is more than I have ever made before. So even though I am dyslexic I am going to apply. They say that you only have to have typing speed for certain positions under this classification.

When I spoke with a depressed friend and told her about the crazy chaos with Victor she said "as the world turns". And when I told her I was seeing Will again she said "as the world turns". I felt kind of pissed that she was being that way. I always listen to her problems even when she has gotten into some stupid situations. Another thing is that she is always bringing up my ex-husband. Has he called you? Have you heard from him? I hate that. She has known him for a long time. I would rather push that whole experience away.

I must fill out the application for the americorps job I am applying for. I figure it doesn't hurt to put out a lot of applications.

I am considering switching clinics. Did I already say that they have informed me that I am due to get a new dr.? I just got a new one and now she is leaving my clinic. This will be the fourth dr. I have had in 2 years. I don't feel comfortable with my therapist any more. I was thinking it over and realized that I have been like a bump on a log for two years. Just plain stuck. Not working,taking classes, nothing. She hasn't directed me to housing resources or offered solutions for college funding. I feel like she is just a mirror for me. She tells me when to set up boundaries. I feel like this clinic is condescending to clients. We are clients we are not people. We are all treated like irresponsible children. I want to go somewhere private where maybe there will be some dignity involved.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 05:59 AM | Comments (0)

July 12, 2006

Officially on Meetup.com

I made my meeting official on Meetup.com. I am inviting people by e-mail like crazy. I have two maybes. We had an old member return last night after an absence. She was a good friend of mine and I am glad she was speaking to me. I felt like giving up last night because one member told me that the meeting used to uplift her and now it does not. I think it is that she is over medicated and bored with her day program. I get tired of hearing how great the meeting used to be when there were so many members.

I am going to attempt to add Spanish 3 on Monday at a community college nearby. It is full but someone might fail to attend. It is a daily class which meets from 8-11:20 a.m. I really need to have something to do during the day. I just think that if I can get to school by 8 then I can be out and about for the day. I also want to take P.E. Now I must call the school to find out if I must enroll register before I can go attempt to add a class.

My Aunts arrive in L.A. today. My sister comes from Texas on Monday. I love to see them. My sister is bringing her four year old daughter so that is fun too.

I believe that Victor went into the hospital last night. That was anxiety provoking for me. I couldn't sleep and was waiting for him to return and start buzzing my door again. But he didn't come back and I took a Trazadone to fall asleep after midnight.

I am meeting Will on Friday. We haven't decided where to meet yet though. He is temporarily staying in San Pedro and that is very far from me. I am hoping we can meet downtown or in Hollywood. I was just thinking that maybe we could go to a concert downtown at luchtime.

I have been wanting to go to a concert at The Hollywood Bowl; but haven't made it there yet. My friend Annette wants to attend a concert or reading at The Hammer museum at UCLA.

I am planning to attend a poetry meetup in Sherman Oaks on Saturday at 3:00. I am supposed to bring 10 copies of the poems I want read there.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 08:14 PM | Comments (0)

July 08, 2006


I asked Victor to leave; so he left a few minutes ago taking his belongings. It was unmanageable. He had kept me up all night on Thursday night making it impossible for me to go to Ventura beach with my mom and cousin. He borrowed money from me and hasn't returned it yet. The whole relationship was chaotic.

I might go to a concert tonight at the Getty Center. It is at 6p.m. My cousin is looking for something to do so I thought I would ask her. The only thing is that she awoke with a stiff neck today. That might have to do with an accident we witnessed yesterday.

An old man was hit in his scooter type wheelchair as he was crossing the street. We were all very stressed about it because we thought he might be dead. He was scraped up and was able to stand and walk. They took him away in an ambulance. He was crossing against a red light.

My ex-boyfriend called and we might get together soon. He wanted to get together for a jazz concert Friday night at the L.A. County Museum of Art but it didn't work out.

I applied to Americorps. They offer jobs where you gain experience and at the end they give you a stipend for your education. You can use it toward loans or toward future tuition. Usually the tours of duty last a year and they provide you with a living stipend and health insurance. I am applied for a few positions in the L.A. area. It might mean relocating but that would be ok.

I received my appointment for Gynecology at a county hospital. I had been waiting since May. It is for August 22. I am having intermittent pain in my ovaries.

I am supposed to report to jury duty in August. I think it is the 20th. I have never done it before because I have always had an excuse of some kind. The courthouse is not far from here. I guess you cannot plead insanity to be excused.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 07:07 PM | Comments (0)

July 04, 2006

Egads the depression

I am depressed again. Victor came back and he is due to go in the psych hospital soon. He is very depressed and is sleeping all the time. He is going in voluntarily. Last night I slept 12 hours. I was very upset when he told me two nights ago that he was going into the hopspital. It brought back all these emotions from when I was in in 1992. I was very alone in my struggle. I was attacked physically and then I spun out of control mentally. About six months after the attack I decided that since the Melarill was making it impossible to study or stay awake, work, drive etc. that I would ask the dr. to take me completely off of it. I had only been on a little anyway. But when I was off of it I went into mania. I was in the middle of transferring to university and was living in a little dorm room. I was living alone and was isolated and poor. In fact I didn't know I qualified for general relief or anything. So I was hopsitalized and sat out of classes that semester because the Prolixen made me sleep all the time. I sat on the benches outside the university library all semester attempting to read and just not be bored and depressed. But it was depressing. I really had no friends at that point. I didn't know about Project Return and there was no clubhouse to go to. Sometimes I had no food for lunches. I ate alongside the other students in the dorm for breakfast and dinner although I wasn't one of them since I wasn't attending classes. My vision was so blurry that my Mom had to come over and sort my medicine into a pill sorter for me. While I was in the hospital my Mom couldn't handle it and didn't come visit during my three weeks there. I didn't have my own clothes or toiletries while I was in there. So I don't want Victor to suffer the way I did. He is a lot more sociable than I was and so I know that he will not be completely isolated. He is not psychotic, thank god.

Yesterday I pulled myself together and went to see two apartments. The first was better than the second. The first had a small bedroom and a very large living room. I liked it. They are both $800 per month. That would save us $100 per month. But I am not in love with the location of the first one. It is at the end of a street that has no sidewalks and in a location that makes it necessary to walk a ways to get to a major street to take a bus. So I will keep looking.

Yesterday Victor really wanted to see a video so I went to Hollywood Video and got a couple of them. I could hardly find any vhs and my dvd is at his mom's right now. So I rented Happy Times and Magnolia. We started watching Happy Times but he didn't like the subtitles (it is a Chinese movie) so we switched to Magnolia. That was good but sad. He was sleeping through the majority of that and kept replaying the videos all night and sleeping through them.

So today is the fourth of July and I am inside on this computer. Tonight is my dinner at the restaurant. We are meeting at 6 p.m. I am even a bit depressed about that because I know there won't be many people there and the talk will be about why there aren't more people. I still want to put up an ad on meetup.com; but must wait until my check clears.

I went to a cool Mexican restaurant on Sunday with Fardin. We had fun. They had mariachis there. On Saturday I went to my interview and then went to meet my friend Annette at a Starbucks. She pulled up and said she wanted to go to the sale at Macy's. I had already eaten my sandwich and had my frappacino. So we went and she bought a duvet and I got a couple of pairs of pants.

I figure that I didn't get the job. The guy never called back. So that is a bit upsetting. It was in a good location. He said it would not be cash if it turned permanent. I might go next Tuesday to apply for a job as a residential counselor.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 09:06 PM | Comments (0)

July 01, 2006

Who Knows?

I have an interview today at 2:30 for a caregiver position for a quadraplegic man. I really hope I get it because it pays $60 per day. Right now it would be temporary; but it could turn permanent. It starts on Tuesday. It is only from 9-11 a.m. I am going to fax my resume to an Independent Living Skills Aide job at a local mental health clinic. It is actually to work in a residential setting with adolescents with mental illness. That job is only 9-1 on Saturdays and Sundays.

I didn't go to the interview for the summer camp. I couldn't decide if I would really like it and if $350 is enough for the long hours he was asking that we work. Also I would like to be in town for concerts etc. There is one coming up on the 16th at The Hollywood Bowl which is a Bollywood music night. I would love to go to that.

On Thursday I went thrift shopping with my 22 year old cousin from Texas. It was a lot of fun. She had come to California to work on at a horse stable but it didn't work out. She is very experienced with that work. She is also an artist and loves to do horse portraits. I hadn't seen her for a few years. I bought things for my apartment and some clothes. I bought some gold chenille pillows for 99 cents apiece and a vanity mirror for $5. I also bought a throw with bands of gold, rust, and orange. I got some black sandals from 9 west that don't look worn and a skirt that has black plaid and pink ribbon piping. I found a new microwave steamer too. I can steam rice, vegetables, or meat in there.

I am considering going back to Macy's for a 90% off sale that lasts until Tuesday. That is 90% off of everything in the store. I overpayed my rent last month by $96 so I have a little extra.

I went to my new shrink on Wednesday and she was very nice. She asked me just a few questions. One question she asked was do you have a history of cutting. Also she asked if I have incidences at home. And when I asked what she meant she said do you have outbursts. I told her that I live alone and no I don't have outbursts. I can't figure out why she asked about cutting though.

Friday I stayed home and cleaned my apartment. I went out in the evening for some Teriyaki.

I have decided not to move just now because Victor and I are splitting up and there is no point. I could save maybe 100 per month; but with the cost of a deposit, the boxes and the movers, it would be futile. Also, I am ready to work now so I can possibly earn enough to make it here. So I have started to redecorate and hang more things on the walls.

I want to have a pool party at my Mom's before mid July. I am seeing Fardin for Thai food tomorrow if the world cup does not keep him home. Monday I signed up for a free screening at a local independent theater. That should be fun. Soon they will be having the free outdoor concerts at The Getty Center.

Maybe if working works out I will get a car in a few months. That would be so exciting. I would have so much more freedom that way. I am also trying to take the last 22 units at my University. I must get the money together.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)