September 27, 2006

The Latest

Well I'm not feeling very well lately. The finger is still numb and I saw a Dr. on Monday. He was good. He said there is neuropathy and is trying to figure out why. He did an ekg and it was normal. He thought I might have pneumonia but it was just some buildup. (He did a chest x-ray) I was on my way to his appointment and I was walking in Canoga Park where they have all these antique stores and thrift stores and I became hot and got a tropical punch. I drank that at 2pm and became spacey and sweaty. He did a stick finger test for glucose and it was only 80. He discovered that I have a urinary tract infection. Yesterday I went to the clubhouse and I was feeling dizzy and decided I would go by bus rather that walk the mile and a half like I often do. I think the staff there thought I was doing drugs. They didn't offer to help me though or ask how I was feeling. I left because I wanted to avoid the ciggarette smoke.

My lungs are hurting. My mom came home from her travels yesterday and I spoke with her this morning. She told me to stay home today. She is going to drive me to his office in the morning to do the fasting blood test. I can't go alone. I might fall.

I'll be straight with you. I think my kidneys are failing. I don't know if I will make it to Christmas. So I am going to label the Christmas gifts I have stored in the closet.

My eyes have been painful lately so I scheduled an eye exam. I go lay down about 5pm now because I just need to rest them. I have been feeling this way for a few weeks. It's funny they finally took me off of those toxic antipsychotics and now I'm ill.

This happened to my friend Larry and he died maybe two years ago. He was on dialysis and only lived until about 60. The FDA should be ashamed for letting us drop like flies to make us tame. My friend Wendy is ill too. Her kidneys are all screwed up.

I was at the drs office on my way out and the nurse was asking when I might be able to return to do the blood test and I lost my mind. I forgot what day it was. She had to tell me it was Monday. I couldn't focus to know what my schedule was for the week. I was supposed to do jury duty now; but I can't.

I saw a friend while at the medical building and he just had stints put in his heart. He is only 50 or so. I can't help but wonder if it was the medicine they make us take. He said parting is such sweet sorrows. He said it doesn't have to be so sad right? I'll see you again right? So I really don't know.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 08:06 PM | Comments (1)

September 22, 2006


I guess I was in shock and then the bubble kind of burst. The last time I saw Will a few weeks ago he bore his darkness. I had never experienced this darkness from him before. I tried to brush it aside and rationalize it. He certainly rationilized it after it happened. I couldn't accept that I was experiencing post traumatic stress disorder. I went on like nothing; but then I noticed old patterns cropping up in my behavior. Old beliefs of being a bad girl or of calling attention to myself. I felt terrified when a man pulled over and asked if I had a cell phone. He said he had run out of gas. I knew there was probably more going on and wondered if he watched me enter my apartment. I felt felt fear when a man smiled at me as I passed his car as I was walking down the sidewalk. I lost my appetite and began wondering if I was becoming anorexic.

What happened was he stangled me a couple of times in a row. I told a couple of friends; but no one else. I stopped seeing him. But then when I lost feeling in my finger last weekend I lost it. It didn't occur to me that this could be connected until a few days ago. So I sought out a chiropractor thinking that this could be a pinched nerve. When I called a physician referral line they said that it could be orthopedic or neurological. So I must see a family dr. to get a work up on Monday. The neurologist said I need an mri before I go to him. I feel like such an asshole. I went to an emergency room on Sunday night and they disregarded me. They acted pissed off that I was even wasting their time with a stupid numb finger. That was a horrific night. They invalidated me. I think I have to report the hospital for this. They learned that I was Bipolar and treated me like an idiot.

So I have been barely surviving. I have been seeking out things and people that are supportive and therapeutic. I called a trauma counseling center on Tuesday and they haven't called to set up the intake yet. Talk about people dropping the ball. I have had discussions with four friends now and most were quite helpful. My friend who is in a long term depression doesn't know that I am suffering. She knows what happened but not how this is all unfolding.
Another friend woke me up to the fact that it was attempted murder. She kept insisting that I find a therapist. I was in denial for a while.

I went to the clubhouse yesterday to learn how to make jewelry and discovered that there is an excellent art teacher there and she is so passionate about us getting to learn new skills. She wants out input on what types of supplies she should order. There were more people at the class yesterday than usual. It was interesting to meet people who are practicing art. One woman has an art show now at a tattoo parlor/ art gallery. I am going to try to go see it. There are a few accomplished artist who will teach one class a week. There will be an art show in December where I can sell some of my photography. I expressed an interest in doing wood burning on gourds and the teacher said that she would like to teach me how to do wood sculpture. She showed me the log that she wants me to make into art. I am so excited about this. Maybe I can learn skills that I can market. A woman is going to teach healing through writing and collage.

I am considering returning to overeaters anonymous. I went a few times a long time ago and it might be the right thing for me. I have a workbook that I bought there that I started but haven't done much work in yet. I think it might be useful.

I wrote a poem the other day that I think is a bit cheerier than some of the others that I have written recently. Here it is.

The Rich Cold of the After-Snow

After the snow the earth is smooth and clean;
the universe is silent and perfect.
The tragedy is over
the death has happened
the life and the remains
are wiped slate clean
the world sighs and pauses
there is still time
to shove into flannel-lined rubber boots
and cover small hands in socks.
There is time to linger before shoveling snow.
Let's not ruin this peace;
let us inhale the steam
from our wassail.
Let the cardinals pose in rich crimson
in stark juxtaposition to this blank canvas.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 06:10 PM | Comments (0)

September 17, 2006

Uncomfortably Numb

I have been experiencing numbness in my hands. It began last Tuesday at the dentist. He shot me up with a numbing agent in my gums and then almost immediately half of my right hand went numb. It wore off after a bit and I attributed it to the shot. But then today I was out bargain hunting with my friend and I bought some heavy things and carried the bag for a while. Upon returning to my apartment I noticed that my left middle finger tip was numb. The numbness is persistant. I usually just notice that my wrists shake after I carry something heavy for a block or so. So I am concerned. I wrote my step-mom and will call her tomorrow if she doesn't get the e-mail early. She is a nurse. I hate going to emergency because they will triage me and I will be there all day. They might blow me off.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 04:23 AM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2006

Almost midnight

I started writing poetry again. It feels very good to be producing again. I will post them tomorrow maybe. That's in one minute. But really I am too lazy tonight.

Monday my mom got a flat tire and so we didn't go to Olive View. But I got to go to the shrink. He said I seemed giddy. I didn't feel giddy after that comment. He was suspicious that I could be manic. But I'm not. Sometimes I feel happy though. That's allowed right? He told me to take the whole Lamictal pill instead of just 50 mg. I am off of Abilify. He will see me in November and is considering removing the Lexapro. There was a lady screaming in French in the lobby and it made me nervous. I was wondering if she had any control over her actions.

I realized that I don't need to go to Olive View anyhow because I have some pills in my closet that I can substitute for the prescribed ones. They were prescribed last year and are still good. In fact I have 3 refills of 3 packs apiece that I can get before March 2007. These are the hormones for the endometriosis. This should end that pain.

I did quit my job as the facilitator of the meeting I was running. I got burned out on it. I didn't go to the job interview on Tuesday. I feel that I should wait a while before committing to work again. The interview I am referring to is Petco.

My friend Fardin came over for coffee today and that was fun. I was showing him some books I have on Socrates and Plato and he was quite excited to get to borrow them. He had mentioned an interest in them. He was wanting to read The Allegory of The Cave but I couldn't find it. We were discussing obsessions and compulsions and what makes us project our negative thoughts onto others.

I have been doing a lot of writing and have almost filled a journal in the past two weeks. I am having new insights into my life. I did the math and realized that I was 4 when I was in Kindergarten. I don't know why they started me so young. I didn't turn 5 until one month before the end of my school year. This is only signigicant now because I was treated poorly for failing in some subjects. I really deserve kudos for doing as well as I did. I am Dyslexic and things were rough. No one recognized it and they thought I was being lazy. I guess these deficits brought shame to my parents. No wonder I can't forgive myself when I make mistakes.

I liked a few quotes from The artist's way.

"I merely took the energy to pout and wrote some blues." Duke Ellington

"Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything." Eugene Delacroix

I changed my mind. I will copy the poetry down here. It is almost one now.

Too Little/Too Soon

All of four years and three months
I was shoved through the door of kindergarten
to begin my formal education.
It was rich and delicious
but as I fell behind in second grade
at home I learned I was a lazy child.

Daddy ripped out his belt in a rage
after the visit by the teacher.
He was humiliated.
Backed against the bed
I pleaded
Daddy don't hit me
he turned and left.

The informal education
continued at home
with no dinner for you tonight girl.
You are grounded;go to your room.

I believed I was dumb;
I would only be good if
I earned A's and then
grandparents could reward me
with money.

My mouth became dirty with rage
so mama washed it out with soap.
I alternated between
mutism and screaming.

I broke doors I slammed too many times.
I accepted the fact that I was a
juvenile delinquent.
I took my ritalin like a good girl.
Ma'am why does your daughter
sit and stare out the classroom window?

Then came the desire to slash my wrists
with the razor in the bathroom window sill.

One year later an escape via the underground railroad
to Los Angeles

An epiphany: a hero is born.

3 weeks without a kitchen sink
makes me shudder/ makes me think
Would you do this to your granny?

Landlord sucks up my rent payment
leaves me with the smell of
vomit and musty mold.

I live in fear of eviction
I shut up.
My anger churns in my stomach.

This is slum survival and destitution.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 07:58 AM | Comments (0)

September 11, 2006

Meanwhile Back at The Ranch

I will go to Olive View at 1:00 to pick up my meds. It is now 11:00 a.m. I will call and reschedule the visit with my shrink. It is supposed to be at 3:45; but I am not going to make it back in time. My mom's dental appointment was rescheduled so we are leaving later than planned. No big deal I hope. I have enough of my pills to last a week or so.

My good friend who is like a sister is in the hospital again. She said she was having voices which are giving her commands. I wish there was more I could do to get her better health treatment. I am going to ask her if she would rent a room to me so that I can be her support. She has an 11 year old daughter and I could be there for her. She is the friend who had asked if I wanted to purchase a house with her. She is trying to sell her home and buy a different place. She has a four bedroom mobile home and wants a condo or a house. I want to encourage her to buy in a decent area. She has to know that she deserves to be in a safe neighborhood. I am trying to reach my friend through the patient payphone at the hospital. It is often busy. We were supposed to go do ceramics on Wednesday. I will ask her if she would like me to visit her.

So I decided that since it is 9/11; I won't tune in to radio today. I need to avoid all the references and discussions around the topic. It is damaging to focus on that. I will listen only to cds today.

I ordered some stuff off Amazon today. I got a cd of Massive Attack and a cd of Tori Amos. I also got a book called Losing your pounds of pain: Breaking the Link between Abuse, Stress, and Overeating. I want to read it and then give it to a friend. I bought some books for my other friend's 11 yr old daughter on changing emotions and on changing bodies. Those two books are directed at pre-teens and teens.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 07:11 PM | Comments (0)

September 10, 2006

Harvest Moon

There was a beautiful harvest moon last night floating above the Hollywood Bowl. It was magnificent. Willie Nelson was awesome. I know so many of the songs he sang. There were all types of people there to hear him. I didn't know that he had such a wide audience. The theater was packed. Willie plays a very old guitar. It looks experienced. I'll be honest though; I was sad. I was so down. I enjoyed it; but felt that the sadness was obvious. Last night Laura my mom's partner told me I'd lost my Texas accent. Sometimes though people hear it.

They came to fix my kitchen last night while I was out. That is a big relief. Today I will do dishes. I had bought a small countertop dishwasher; but since they changed out the faucet head a while back I can't attach the nozzle to connect the water. So I'm back to hand washing. Maybe I'm spoiled.

My mom is going to drive me to Olive View Medical Center tomorrow to get my pills. I am a month behind schedule now due to all this mess. It is a maze to navigate Medi-cal.

I don't think that the single I saw is in the greatest location for me to access businesses and buses that I need. I saw another one in a much better area for the same price. I would love to leave this gang territory.

I saw my friend Kim yesterday and we visited for a few hours. I got to see her daughters who are now 23 and 16. We all watched the movie Are we there yet?. It was kind of funny; but became annoying in places. I think it is meant for a younger audience. She had made a pot roast and we ate that and the chocolate frozen yogurt that I had brought. Kim said the nicest thing about my creative writing. She said that it doesn't hurt anything to submit my work; it might just take the one time and I could achieve success and maybe a lot of money.

I decided to quit the Tuesday night meeting today. I will call my boss and let her know. It is sucking all my energy out of me. Besides they are relocating the office to City of Commerce which I believe is near Long Beach. I would have to travel quite a distance to get there once a month. Even though my boss has been driving me I don't feel the long drive down is worth it. I have one friend who is a member of my club and she has been urging me to keep doing the meeting. I told her to take over and she doesn't feel ready. I hate the pressure to stay in a dysfunctional situation.

I want to see the 3-d version of The Nightmare Before Christmas. It will be at the El Capitan Theater in Hollywood. Some friends want to meet there to see it. The same people invited me to spend Halloween with them at a park where they do special things that day. I don't know what costume to wear. My cousin was already searching for her costume in July. These two friends sing duets together and invited me to come to a concert in December for the holidays. I love that kind of stuff. They usually sing old fashioned stuff. My friend will be singing do re mi soon at a concert. They are in their sixties and like movies like Carousel.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)

September 09, 2006

Vows of Poverty

I was reading in a book yesterday that some people took vows of poverty in past lives and can't rid themselves of those feelings of obligation. These issues are held subconciously and manifest in the acceptance of poverty as the norm and people who don't believe they deserve compensation for their skills. There was one man who is an artist who held this core belief that he didn't feel worthy of abundance.

I am a bit down today because they haven't fixed my kitchen sink yet. The manager said that they would come on Thursday; but alas they did not. She hasn't even informed me of why they haven't been here or acknowleged it. So I am going to go bang on her door this morning and demand an answer. Now that it is Saturday they will probably have me wait until Monday to get service.

I went to see an apartment yesterday. It is a single and has a larger kitchen than mine does. It has a good size bathroom too. They advertised that it was renting for $750 but when I went to see it they said $795. That kind of bothered me. That would only save me $110 per month. But they do allow cats there and there is a fireplace and a large balcony. I wouldn't have any common walls with neighbors and the laundry room is just down the hall. It is upstairs too so that means that I wouldn't have people stomping all over the ceiling. When I eyeballed it I saw that I could fit my cal king bed and a sofa in there. I don't know if there really is a place for the dining table though. It is small though and has leaves that I can fold down. My dining chairs are breaking and I will need to buy new ones. They just put in a new stove there and I have my own refridgerator. I forgot to check for an air conditioner. That is important because this is a desert climate. I forget whether there is a window in the kitchen. I need there to be lots of light. I just must convince my mom that I need to move there. There is an alley that runs alongside my windows in this apartment which happens to be the only way to exit the parking lot. So there is a constant stream of cars. Also the red cross makes a lot of noise with their heavy trucks. They come at 6 a.m. and sometimes earlier. I am reliant on my mom as a cosigner because I don't make enough to rent on my own income.

I am trying to figure out if Petco is the right job or if I am really able to work with the pain going on. I will go to the interview and see how it seems.

I haven't made it to olive view med center to pick up my drugs. It takes at least 2 hrs one way to go there and I am afraid that there will be a problem there that causes me to wait a long time to get my prescription at their pharmacy. I am not impressed at all with the service there.

I just got a call from an old friend that I haven't spoken with for three years. We have known each other since '93 when we were both in day treatment at a local psych hospital. She doesn't live far from here it turns out. How exciting! She is going to pick me up in an hour or two and we will go back to her house.

Tonight is the Willie Nelson concert at The Hollywood Bowl. It starts at 8:30 p.m. I guess my mom will pick me up at 7 or 7:30. I can't wait.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 04:58 PM | Comments (0)

September 07, 2006

Today I must wait a while for the plumbers to come again. LOL. I might have to wait until 2p.m. I only laugh because I feel so lame about having them back again. My kitchen is smelly because I haven't been able to use the kitchen sink for two weeks or so. I honestly lost track. It is disgusting.

I am trying to contact an apartment in North Hollywood about affordable housing there. It is a luxury building that hasn't opened yet. Wow, if I could get an apartment there that would be so hot! They have washers and dryers in the apartments. I want to get in come hell or high water.

I went to the dinner meeting at Sizzler and this one man who used to go to our meeting dominated the conversation with vile stories. My stomach was in knots and I didn't want to return to the salad bar for seconds or dessert. He is supposed to return to the meeting next week.

I haven't decided whether or not to attend the poetry group on Saturday or not. I guess I still have time to decide. I am scared that I will rsvp yes and not be able to go due to pain. I put my medications into the system on medline an online medical site and it came back with drug interactions. They say that the NSAIDs or pain pills diminish the effectiveness of the antidepressants and combined increase the likelihood of internal bleeding. I will discuss this with my shrink on Monday.

I want to ask my dr. for a letter stating that I need a companion animal for therapeutic purposes. I think he will write it.

I want to take a long term depressed friend to a place called Color Me Mine where we can make ceramics. I think that will be fun. She said that she is available next Wednesday.

I am going to call Fardin to see if we can have coffee Sunday or some day soon. I don't know if I can go eat Indian food just now as we had discussed because of my finances.

I invited Wendy to eat with a group of friends at Hollywood Hamburger Hamlet tomorrow; but don't know if she will accept the invitation or not yet. She says that she has been busy and tired and it has been so hot that she might not be up to the bus trip. It takes one hour to get there; but it is only one bus. The temperature is supposed to drop to the 80's here tomorrow.

The college I am trying to enroll in says that I may be able to begin in November. I am still waiting for federal financial aid to make the determination of aid I will receive. This college allows you to go at your own pace so you can begin almost any month of the year provided that you apply a couple months in advance.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 03:52 PM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2006

Trip Cancelled

I want to thank Dr Sykes for writing me. I went to his blog on canal esquizofrenia and left a message in broken Spanish. I enjoyed getting this message and felt I'd travelled around the world when I went to the site. It opened up new possibilities and I want to return to the site and explore it some more.

I didn't go on vacation after all because my mom knows I am not up to it. So she released me from that obligation. I went to the pharmacy today and they didn't have the prescriptions ready for me yet. They said that the dr. from Olive View hasn't called them in yet. So I am trying to connect the two agencies today. I was able to get a refill of Naproxen that I didn't know I had access to from a dr. I had seen in May.

After the pharmacy I went to a thrift store and bought a $5 electric coffee pot so that I don't have to make coffee in the French Press anymore. I have been dumping the old coffee down the drain and that could have messed up my garbage disposal. Duh! Lightbulb. I also found some letterhead with butterflies and Pansies on it.

Tonight I am going to sizzler to eat with my club. My friends are not meeting tomorrow at Hamburger Hamlet. We are rescheduling it for Friday at 12:30.

Tuesday at 11:00 I have an interview at Petco. Maybe just maybe this is something good for me. Maybe I get the job and keep the job this time. Wow that is a novel idea.

I am so thrilled! I just heard Julia Cameron (author of The Artist's Way) speaking on a radio interview and she said her dad was bipolar and her mom was depressive. Julia had a "breakdown" at the age of 46 and she didn't specify a diagnosis but said that she is on medicine and sees a dr. That makes me love her all the more because she has the guts to admit this and hold her head high. She calls herself a sober alcoholic because she wants to remind herself that she is an alcoholic. I'll be honest about the term breakdown. I think that that is a pseudonym. I prefer crash or something else. But then again that is the same as saying a wreck. I am not a wreck but then again I am not a car which is what I think of in a breakdown. There also is no breakdown in communication. Maybe we should re-name the phenomena. A crisis is a beginning. I mean that would be a good start at re-naming it. Maybe we could call it a dramatic climax. You have rising action, climax, and a denoument. The climax could be a tragedy or not; but there is always a transformation of the lead character or characters.

I just heard that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is planning to veto the legislation to provide universal healthcare in California. He says it is too costly. This is sad because this would probably save the state money as opposed to having to emergency room bills and hospital bills or people here who have no insurance and must postpone getting care until they the illness has become exacerbated. This includes the lax mental health care given to people with no insurance. They use a bandaid and then the person is lost in the meantime. This would (if it passed) become a precedent for the country.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 10:28 PM | Comments (0)

September 03, 2006

Foggy brained

I am foggy brained today. I stayed at my mom's house last night. We went to the movie Half Nelson and then she asked if I wanted to get my swimsuit and pajamas and go to her house. We went out to dinner at this New Orleans style restaraunt called Les Sisters and it was really tasty. I had Jambalya. I have left overs and will have it at dinner. Later we went in the jacuzzi because the pool cooled down too much by sunset. It was 107 in my area yesterday.

The movie was good but a bit darker than I had expected. Sometimes you can be surprised by that. The teacher is on drugs and teaches in a rough New York school. Interspersed as history reports given by students is film footage of different civil rights gains and losses over the past I guess 50 years or so. Before the movie we had gone to a cafe and gotten a coffee and the owner asked us to return after the movie to let him know how it was; but we didn't return.

I got a call from Petco and they want to interview me. I am going to call today or tomorrow. I decided that it doesn't hurt to try something new. Animals are so good for me. They train you in pet grooming. I have to look at bus routes to see how to get there quickly.

Will, well I don't know. Actually I think I vascillate too much. I don't want to be wishy washy anymore about him. He is far too casual about the whole relationship and is really pushing living here. It is too soon for that and is inappropriate. He still doesn't have a home phone and only uses a pre-paid cell phone which he routinely lets expire. So the only way he can reach me is by e-mail or by calling from his pc and he rarely calls. So screw it man. He said we could get together today and he flaked. I told him I would meet him in L.A. at a flea market and he said that would be a couple of buses and that was not going to happen. He wrote and said he might get to come out in the late afternoon by bus; but had to remodel houses with his brother-in-law today. What a creep. He had me buy dinner and I then explained that I am not rich. He seemed stunned. I said that I am a pauper. Then I had to explain what that is. He thought I should buy him a newspaper at Barnes and Nobles. Why do I owe him? He gets here and complains about the long distance he must drive to see me for an hour or so. I think he might expect to be a kept man. A 46 year old man should be ready for more of a committment than simply cohabitation.

I am supposed to see Fardin tomorrow for coffee here at my house; but I can't do the dishes because my sink is broken again. I am going to see if we can go out instead. They are not even going to check it until Tuesday. I am also supposed to go shopping with Wendy in the afternoon and want to invite another friend to join us. We are going to a store with plus size clothing; but Wendy is a tiny person and will just be there to help me choose items. She lives quite near this store so it will be convenient.

I am still taking the Abilify and am playing around with the time of day to take it. I am wondering if this stuff sedates me and if I should take it at bedtime. I have been sedated for a major portion of the day and I don't think it is caused by the Lexapro which I take in the morning. I see the dr. on the 11th. So after that no more Abilify. I am back to sleeping 10 hours a night. That is what I seem to need. Thank god there is no more of that insomnia I was having.

I will get my mom to drive me to the pharmacy on Tuesday to pick up the hormones and motrin. We will go on the way out of town to go camping. There is a nice creek there to hike to at the campground. We will go to a town nearby to shop and eat. We will either go to Solvang or to Santa Barbara.

My mom lent me a video called What's Cooking?, which I might watch today. It looks lighthearted.

I read this thing in the New York Times book section today about a book about Schizophrenia that proposes the idea that Schizophrenia is due to closeted bisexuality. I felt so degraded when I read the description of the book. What an idiot! It actually only gives a website to go to about the book which I believe was schizophrenia-

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 10:45 PM | Comments (1)

September 01, 2006

Writing is the best medicine

I am writing again. Sometimes I feel like I write too often here.
I am having the pain again today and won't be able to go out with Wendy today. She wanted to visit a thrift store that we had gone to last Tuesday.

I will go get medicine for the pain tomorrow. I must wait around for a grocery delivery until maybe noon and then I can go. My mom wants to see a movie this weekend and Will wants to visit too. My mom wants to see "Half Nelson" and it just opened here today. I would like to meet Will downtown to see an art film. They have a theater that has lots of choices down there.

On Monday Fardin is visiting to have coffee. He will bring donuts.

I will have to go take my boss some paperwork sometime before Tuesday. I haven't told her that I won't be doing the next meeting. I am going to be on vacation. I feel a bit bad that the club is meeting at a restaurant and I won't be there. I won't be able to make it to Hollywood on Wednesday either. I have only missed one meeting in three or four months though.

Will visited on Thursday. He was here on time and we went to Salsa and Beer a little Mexican cafe. We had a good time. He informed me that he doesn't know if he wants kids or not and if it happens it happens. He said he might want to adopt. He is unsure about whether or not to go to a job interview in D.C. at Lockheed doing computer work. He said that I should convince him to stay here. That I should give him a reason to stay. He is going to have his credential renewed for teaching adult school soon and can at least sub if not get a regular position. I am not going to agree to moving to the east coast with him. D.C. is 300 miles from the house he is inheriting and I don't want to live in D.C. I lived where you get snowed in and it really makes me depressed to be in that climate.

After the restaurant we went to Lake Balboa and he thought it was beautiful. There weren't a lot of people because it was Wednesday evening and they close at sunset. So we walked a bit and looked at birds and dogs. They have a waterfall and a brook there and that makes it peaceful. After that we went to A Barnes and Nobles and he looked at computer manuals mostly and I just browsed the 3 for $10 sections.

I told him to finish his B.A. since he is 24 units away from it. He would like to get into real estate investments. Perhaps he could buy a fourplex or a small building and live in one unit and get income from the others.

We discussed him living here again and he decided that he would like to rearrange the furniture a bit. He has a cat and they don't allow pets here. Also, he is nocturnal. He likes to stay up late and watch t.v. or hear talk radio. With any lights on at night I can't sleep because my apartment is like a one room apartment with two stories. So he said he could get those wireless headphones that allow you to listen to the t.v. and he could listen to the radio by headphones too. He said he doesn't know what kind of credit he has so they might not allow him to live here if it looks bad. He is going to check his credit. Things are moving slowly and he seems like he needs direction. I need direction too.

On the upside though he said that he could fix my refrigerator door since it is opening in the opposite direction that it needs to. It is quite awkward now. He said he would give me a bookcase because he thought I should have another one. He said he would pay for cable if he moves in.

I don't know if I already said this but a book I am reading says that we are born with some illnesses and others come on by not forgiving. Either we don't forgive ourselves or we don't forgive someone else. I found that hard to accept; but it resonates with truth. So I am thinking that I must above all else forgive myself. That is the hardest part I think.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at 09:22 PM | Comments (0)