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I find work stressful some days and other days I am in an up mood. I had a down day or two this week. I ended the week well. We are working to a deadline at work. I tried putting in some overtime this week to get time off next week. I managed to work 2 hours overtime this past week. But I was very tired this week. I ended up being late for work a number of times this past week. But I am in a more relaxed office at work now so working late to make up for being late is possible. So I worked late most of the week.
So we have a full house expected this evening. R is sitting here watching me type this. We are listening to music. C called and said she would be over with J later. M was someone I invited from my radical union. He is a social worker but also a consumer survivor. He is a also a union member and I need to collect his dues this evening. I won't post this until M is here and has a chance to say it is ok to post this.
It looks like my web hit counter is at 16 now. Before it broke a year ago or so may be two it was at 10,000. This means I believe that this site schizophrenia.com has just been moved to new servers. The administrators had told me they would fix the hit counter for me when they moved the site. Well thank you very much that certainly gets my old ego going. Now if only my ego was flexible but that's a whole other schizophrenia theory and I am done blogging for tonight.
I just took my third dose of vitamins for the day and also 3 mg or half my usual nightly dose of risperadol. I need to come down from these manic highs and slow my verbal river down. I will surf the net a bit then read some books then crash and try harder to wake up on time for work today some 5 or 6 hours from now.
I did some fairly academic work at my job today. I won't go into detail. I also then came home and turned on Second Life and had a brief chat with some educators. No one there knew I had schizophrenia. Schizophrenia also did not come up at work but will tomorrow as we prepare at work for the International Day for Persons with Disabilities this coming Monday, December 3rd. I know many consumer survivors do not consider schizophrenia or depression or other labeled condition a disability but I do think of this this way. I am coming out and disclosing next week in the workplace although I will be labeled an invisible disability. My father thinks I should have waited until I had landed a permanent government job. But I am nearing late middle age and it is now time to stand up and be counted as someone with either a lot of bad luck or horrible disabling condition. Wish me luck on Monday!
It has already been a long day and I am seriously considering staying up late and then doing another long day tomorrow. I am living like a maniac with no sleep and thinking excited thoughts. I went to school this evening and programmed at a computer for about three hours with two other students who are originally from China, They are youngsters. The one programmer was very good at writing our code while I translated the mathematical algorithm into old school code and then she translated that in the latest computer language C#. We grew tired after three hours and will get back at this school project later this weekend. It was strange to be studying in middle age at school while these students are in their twenties and young enough to be my children. It is strange given the mis-perception of age effect in schizophrenia. I then went to the library and borrowed a slew of books for work. I began to focus on broader academic goals after and tried to focus after being hit with small waves of self doubt as I walked from the computer faculty building to the library. I also borrowed these books dreaming big as I often do. I then usually end up surfing the Internet which means a lot of reading and writing Internet pages and not doing the reading that would really help me and instead spending huge amounts of money on credit. So I plan to stay up and try to implement my dreams and focus on reading these work related books. Then it is work another day tomorrow. After work tomorrow our self help board meets then it is off to school for a class. I have my homework done already though. I know I can not stay up this whole, what would be 40 hours, so I am sure to nap in a few hours before work.
I was just trying to sell my music mixer. You know those wedged shaped electronics boxes that sit in control rooms in recording studios. I had bought one a few years back to try once again to make music at home. This is a big failure I have been through many times. One friend thought in fact that my schizophrenia was caused by my choosing to drop out of school and try to start a rock and roll band. My sweet revenge there was that a few years ago in 2002 I won a scholarship in honours of a scholar who had also dropped out of school to start a rock and roll band.
Where was I? Oh ya I asked some union members if they wanted to buy my mixer. I used email broadcasts to do this. One member, whom I like a fair amount and has a a middle class salary but is generous offered to have a look at the mixer last Friday. Instead he bought my carpentry table, a music compressor and some cables and also took some bicycle rack wire frame carriers away. We were able to get rid of a lot of stuff and have money for cigarettes, groceries and pop, milk, bread, etc.. We need to get more stuff out of this two bedroom apartment and I did not loose any money on the selling prices. Like I say this union brother is fairly helpful.
So this has become a plan for cleaning up our apartment and also getting out of debit.
I am dressed and ready to go to work early. I started to wear my parka on the weekend and I will wear it to work today. I may work an hour or two late as well today. I have a workplace mental health at work meeting today too.
I had been up from about 11:00 AM Saturday and woke up a little earlier than I should have being that I was still tired. But I had to be on time for my school meeting with other students on Saturday. I did not have anything to do outside the house on Sunday so I decided to sleep in the day and stay up late all night Saturday. I ended up completing my homework for the this week yesterday and am now proof reading it. I slept at noon Sunday
I have been up since midnight reading statistics books and studies my boss has done. I am ready and rested well for a full day of work today. I shaved yesterday so just need a little trim today. I also have clean clothes for a few days.
I will try very hard to go in an hour early the earliest I am able to get access to our building. I will work an extra half hour before work and spend about half an hour working on job applications at work. I did just complete some updating of my job applications on the government web site for job applications.
I will work some extra hours this week as I earn some time for a day off next week. I want this day off to attend a government conference. My boss is ok with this as we need to do more work now rather than later. It will be a busy few weeks coming up then more relaxed as we go into the holidays. I have three days off for Christmas.
My school exam is in the middle of December and I took two days of holidays to study for that and write it. I need to register for next term at school and must decide from two courses as to which I will study. I have after this term two courses left to complete. So I am doing ok with graduate school with three courses now almost done and two to still do. Then begins the second phase of studies for my masters of sciences which is to write a thesis and also take one optional course. But that second phase will not start until 2009.
Between the time that deleted post happened until I posted my retraction note below, I have completed another homework problem and have only one problem left to solve now. I am worried that I find the course too easy and that my last homework was not done on time. So this week I am getting back into the good student mode where I will be getting the homework done a few days before it is actually due. If the course is easy for me then this should be possible. And I am finding it is possible, as I now have three quarters of the work done and have only one last problem to solve.
I am also picking up the pace of the group work project for the course with a study meeting yesterday and now another scheduled meeting Tuesday.
I started to open up about my wife here and then some server or connection error deleted the post. But I will not rewrite it. I had set a limit of not really writing about others here in detail and this means mostly my wife. I respect her privacy. I allow her her right to control information about herself. So I was over the line on my own self set limits for Internet writing. So I did not write the entry after all.
I was sort of watching Lora Croft Tomb Raider but was really doing my school work the past few hours. By the way I know Lora Croft is some sexist bimbo who is world famous for her anatomy and the power the male gamers of that game seem to have over women. Speaking of computers games I played a little Second Life and it was cool because this time I logged in I was not alone and met two neighbours in that virtual world. It was cool like real life talking to them on a porch at someone's virtual house. The person even had company over. It was like a real life story. I also spent time off and on using facebook my new on-line activity.
My wife doesn't want a new stereo. I took some stuff back to the electronics store this past evening. It was more computer parts that I took back I did not think much about the stereo again. I have though the past five years spent a lot and I mean a lot of time surfing store web sites. I am up from Saturday. I went to the electronics store after surfing their web site the past two evenings. This is becoming stereotypical behaviour if you know what that means in the schizophrenia model. I do this every weekend these days. Mind you it is a consumer society and I demand that I feel alright with whatever I do and be myself, not some pawn of others. If I choose to consume electronics that is what I do. Feeling should be saved for people and they should be sane feelings. What ever that means to you. I am not going to feel bad just because, I am into spending, or I don't look like people in the movies, or don't work as a starship captain or spy. I won't define myself by my work that is one New Year's resolution. I have always resisted being labeled even before I was labeled schizophrenic. I grew up when labeling theory was popular and thus I am affected by that intellectual current. I also resist others having power over me. That is my simple anarchism praxis. Believe me this is part of the free walk out of schizophrenia and into the library. That reminds me I need to renew books for the winter term. Notice that last sentence I am also trying to walk out of my own idealistic babble.
Today is buy nothing day but I am going to buy two CD's. I will though hold off on buying the stereo speakers for one day. I should really think about that first before diving in. I will go to the store early this evening and pick up the CD's and just look at the stereo's.
Speaking of shopping and debit I decided to cut up one credit card this morning. This is the Ikea card. I would like to lower this card and two other cards in 2008.
She won't read this so I can keep it a secret. The electronic store have some very expensive speakers for a 5.1 surround sound system on a deep discount this week. I would almost max out my credit with this store to get them but would have some room left over. I would also plan to buy a Dolby digital receiver for 5.1 sound around Christmas or Boxing day. I have three days off this Christmas, Christmas eve, Christmas day and Boxing day.
Here are some interesting statistics from 2001.
I called in sick today. I was so wound up from my busy day yesterday that I slept this morning after calling in sick. I was too tired to work properly. I need to do detailed work right now so it was better to take a sick day and stay home.
My boss gave me a lot of positive feedback yesterday. I was happy and will work well today. I am not working overtime right now. I will work just my eight hours and then I have a test at work for a promotion. Then I have class this evening. So I have a busy day today.
I am just going to do our income report to the government disAbility office then I will invoice the people who hired me as a web master then I will read and get ready for work.
I napped and did not get any paperwork done. I am just rushing to get ready for work now.
I read all sort of subjects. I focus occasionally but often am just borrowing books that seem interesting. I am on a life long library journey. I don't live in the USA but would love to own the new Amazon Kindle book reader. Books are my life in a way. I read about sex crime law changes in the UK this weekend and last week and this morning. I also read more about social networks. I also went back to reading about computer culture. I have been continuing the focus on work related readings. I read some of work place guide on doing our work. I won't say more than that. I have a work place test this week on Wednesday. Right after that I have class. We are starting a new topic. We spent the last three weeks on one topic. I have some homework on this topic now and the previous topic. I am still scoring A in my course. I am also working with other students at work. Yes, school is quite the journey and adventure. I began to fix up my school blog a bit. I have goals right now, today. I want to read a third chapter in the sex offences book which I did just get done about two hours ago. I also want to read four chapters 2's in other books I have started. I also have some paper work to do overnight for money issues. And I have some paper work to do related to volunteering. I have about four hours to do all this before work today. Then I will work 8 hours and come home and sleep having been up some 33 hours.
My wife publishes her poems on her own web site. Yes she has her own dot com web site. But she also has a paper publisher who puts out a book of her poems. She then sells these to people she meets. She has sold over 1000$ worth of poetry. She still thinks she does not know business but we know otherwise. She was just telling her publisher some new poems to put in the next order of books. It is like vanity press because we pay to have the book printed and then keep the money we get back. We also donate some 7% to the rain forest up north. The money is donated to the Boreal rain forest initiative.
I just shaved and got my new pants on. I will wear one of the shirts my wife bought me to work today. I will also wear a sweater as it is getting cold. I am just about to go to work now. I may work ten hours today to earn a day off around Christmas.
I went out to a mainstream large department store last night. I was able to buy some corduroy pants to match the corduroy shirt my wife found at the second hand store. Well actually they do not really match which is something yes about schizophrenia. The shirt is blue and the pants are brown. Fashion clash? Yes, indeed.
I also bought pair of business slacks with pin strips and they are machine washable. All these pants were 30% off on sale.
Also on sale at this store last night were pots and pans and knives. I was able to buy a new dutch oven pot. I also bought a small paring knife and a utility knife. I also bought some kitchen scissors.
Today I am again thinking of buying a projector. I would have to run out to the store in the next half hour. Some how I feel better when I do this so I use purchases to feel good so I am, in fact, addicted to shopping in this way and it is harming our budget.
I completed reading a document from my workplace this morning. I also read school studies and programming studies. I just went on line to the government job search tool and found another opening I am interested in. I work this week and may work long days to earn some time off at Christmas.
C and J came by last night. We talked a bit. J is a former professional cartoonist so I showed them some of Second Life which is like a cartoon you can create yourself in 3 dimensions. We also looked at photographs I had taken of my family. Then when they usually go home I went with them. My school library is open late at night even into the next morning so I went to the library. There was an assault on the bus as some young men tried to force some young women to come with them. The women got away and I witnessed it and when I got to the library the staff there helped me phone the bus security to report the assault.
At the library I took back some short books on privacy I had read all of. Then I borrowed about six new books. Mostly these books were about statistics, computing and social informatics but I also borrowed some sociology and criminology books.
I have a meeting with other students in about 2 hours from now. I am just getting dressed for a day of studies and will do some shopping on the way to school. My partner is out buying some second hand clothes today.
It is not that I do not want to work. I will really enjoy today in fact. But I would like to be reading and studying. I have some school work to complete this weekend. I am also meeting with a programming team as we work on our course project.
I am just about to leave for work. I will take some vitamins and get myself shaved and washed for the day of work.
I have been reading more these past few weeks. I have a fairly technical course so my reading requirements have been less for my formal course. But I have been reading on the internet, elder abuse, and sexual crime. It is all very interesting stuff. Today I am allowed to attend an extra lecture and leave work for this because I worked extra hours on Monday and Tuesday. I also start work later today and work later in the afternoon. This evening I may go out to a political party pub with my wife.
I have to get us some cigarettes at the store and finish my write up for school. I worked 10 hours yesterday and slept as soon as I came home and ate dinner. I will also work ten hours today. This is so I can take four hours off on Thursday to go to school and attend a lecture at the law school that is also at my university. The law lecture is going to be about the Virtual 3D world/game Second Life and Privacy issues. I must get out to the store soon.
I woke up at 3:30 AM and started to write my school work up. I have to write up five math problems and am doing the write up now. My class is this evening.
I have solved some school work but now must write up my answers. I will do this this evening after work. I am yawning tired but not completely exhausted yet and will work ten hours today. I spent some time yesterday and today doing bibliographic work. I both searched out and wrote citations as well as learning yesterday how to use a bibliographic software at our school's library.
I must report income to the government but am late doing this. May be I can do it now before going to work. But may be I will relax for half an hour and go into work early and well prepared for work today. This would give me some time at work to relax before my chores start.
We need to treat our selves to things like sweets now and again. I have been dragging my heels on some school work now for three weeks. I need to work on this this morning before work. It is done on the computer and this morning may be my last chance to find time for this school work.
I have the IBM computer up and running now. I woke up at 7:00 PM and had sold the ticket to the public event before sleeping. My wife took delivery of the computer and I heard her doing this as I drifted off to sleep. I was so excited yesterday at noon really physically manic having been awake some 23 hours. I feel good now and did feel good in the early morning yesterday. When I say feel good I am talking about physical feeling of well being not being hungry or tired and feeling strong. I feel this way now. I will enjoy using my computers now and the IBM computer now has Debian Linux installed and the windows side of the computer has Windows XP all updated and registered. So school work this morning then 10 hours of work today. I am working an extra two hours so I can attend a lecture later in the week. My boss is allowing this type of flexibility in my work hours.
Now I will pour that coffee and relax and proof read this entry.
I am still up from yesterday. I learned some new research tools overnight. I did a little of my work at home last night. I now have some work to bring in on Tuesday when I return to work. I should be good for sleep tomorrow because I will sleep in the mid afternoon today. I am very tired now. I want to wait until a computer is delivered here today, then sleep. My wife is going out with her sister to shop at a second hand clothing store. The computer I bought from IBM is second hand too. We are poor even with work. But I need to stay awake to take delivery of this computer. If I sleep this afternoon I will miss an author's public speaking event I have a ticket for that happens at 7:00 PM this evening. I have been meaning to offer the ticket to friends on facebook but have not posted it there yet. I will do that now. I also watched a television panel talk about facebook this morning. I watched it on the Internet and was told about it being there by one of the panelists who is a professor in the USA of Internet studies. I have some home work to still do for Wednesday so may be today before sleeping I will start some of those homework problems.
Today was Remembrance day and I did not attend any public ceremonies although I could have attended national celebrations. I was being shy and withdrawn and generally affected by a long life with schizophrenia that cuts into my social abilities. But I did read some materials from veterans organizations and thought a little about a friend serving in Afghanistan and will think more about him tomorrow, as I have the day off work tomorrow as a holiday. I will also remember a great uncle who died fighting in Italy in the war. And I will remember the solider in my family who was alive, when I was young my grandfather the Air Force Commander. I also have an uncle whose brother was a colonel in the Gulf war. All the soldiers I know are Canadians. Wait that is not quite true some of the Canadians in my family served in foreign armies. I have a cousin who I saw two weeks ago is a former Soviet solider who now lives in Canada. My other grandfather was an underground solider who actually did time in a Nazis jail. At least that is what I am told. Certainly my family too lived in a refugee camp in Europe because of war. Also in the late 1970's we helped settle some Vietnamese refugees in Canada. I hope to continue to be a pacifist and I am against the present NATO wars but might be found supporting UN forces. But war generally for me in North America is a distant and not really real phenomena.
Well the installation of the new upgrade is now underway. I should just wake my wife up briefly for her meds. I have a bit of a cold so will bundle up a bit more.
I stayed up to about 4:30 AM and took 3 mg of risperadol at about 3:00 AM. I slept on the couch and my wife woke me up about 9:00 AM. I had been up working on a computer upgrade as I install Leopard on my Macbook. I am actually much further in debit because I bought this Mac OS upgrade last night.
At the electronics store I also bought my wife the movie Not Without my Daughter which is a racist yet feminist film. So contradictions in movies continue but I doubt this film is seen as a new wave film. My wife was watching the film last night but had been drinking so fell asleep. R came by and we talked while I did work on my computers. I had him read some advanced computer and sociology research and he seems to get some of it. He is studying high school sociology right now to finally get his high school diploma. My wife started to watch this movie again today and then has fallen asleep.
I will just write about how work is for someone with schizophrenia here today. My new boss gives me lectures mixed with praise so it is hard to figure out at any one time how I am doing in terms of feelings. This affects my mood through out the day. I think normal people also have this happening at work. But as someone with schizophrenia locked out of the working world for years this is something I still must learn about and find ways to cope with this workplace reality. I am sure there are trained vocational workers who help us with this in their programs but for me I am mostly on my own. I did talk to my psychiatrist about work this past week giving him both the positive and negative pictures of my present working life. Work ended today with my boss who is a serious senior executive and myself chatting a little about computers. So I left work in a very up mood.
I just took my meds which makes two days in a row for med taking. I am catching up on sleep it seems. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I have tests this Saturday for jobs and I have political training this Sunday. I got some good news that I was being considered for a job today. I also worked all day and will work tomorrow then Monday is our Remembrance day holiday here in Canada. I will have Monday off for this holiday. I am just going to sleep now. I do not have any vitamin C at the moment.
With homework due at school and my own worries about being up on time for work, I did not sleep much last night. In the end I spent a lot of time on the computer and then at the school library and the grocery store. I tried to stay up all night and get my school work done. Instead I read books and slept or rather napped on the couch. I had fitful dreams of spreadsheets from work and the Internet. I did not take my meds and will take some vitamins now. Then I will do some computing and then get ready for another day at work. I have class this evening and will be tired but not really, really, tired.
My dad helped me buy a computer for running Debian Linux but I had to agree to take a camera back to the store. I have one Sony pocket camera and was trying out a Canon Rebel XT digital SLR camera but returned it to the store yesterday after work. I got a bus just after 3 PM and avoided the rush hour mostly. The store is in the suburbs so it was just the trip there that was busy and on the ride home the bus was mostly empty. We live in the downtown core of our city.
So now I will be watching the tracking number of the computer shipment as it is shipped here.
I did ok with work yesterday. I signed a contract for another six months of work. I was able to appeal the hiring decision for the more advanced job and they will review this decision. I am up very early for work again.
I am attending a meeting of a disability committee at work this morning. I have also been invited to take first aid training at work and be a first aid volunteer at work.
I have been printing documents, getting dressed and just need to shave now. Then I am off to work early. I will work on job applications before starting my work this morning.
We are just packing to leave my dad's house. We will drop in on my brother and then get on our train in the early evening back to our city. I am feeling ok but a little worried about my smoking. I did not take my meds last night. I will work on school work on the train and also get some sleep. I have to be at work tomorrow at 7:00 AM and work until 3:00 PM. I also have to be very alert at work tomorrow as I have some important work to get finished.
I had a good conversation with my father and his wife last night. Today other family will visit. I am just waking up today. I need to take some vitamins still this morning. I woke up late.
I don't write much about family here so won't now. But I attended a conference the last two days and made some new academic contacts in this city. I am just going to my dad's from my brother's house. I chatted last night with distant cousins who visited my brother and his family. I helped arrange this get together. My wife will join me tonight at my dad's house as my mom drives her there. I left our city on Wednesday and my wife left yesterday and stayed with my mom last night. My dad and mom separated in the late 1960's. I am just leaving my brother's house now for my dad's.
Conventional wisdom is to keep quiet about disAbilities like schizophrenia in job interviews. I had gotten confident that my work place which by law can not discriminate would not discriminate but may be they have. I believe I can appeal the decision and bring this up so I will do that now as it seemed to have an affect on one interviewer.